View Full Version : The SCRIPT to Hasbro's Episode Five: The Resculpt Strikes Back - Special Edition!
10-29-2001, 06:56 PM
The movie saga continues as the Star Wars fanfare blares out of the THX soundsystem and the opening title scroll goes up:
Star Wars: Episode Five
THE RESCULPT STRIKES BACK!
It is a Dark Time for the Rebellion. Although 3 Fans' Choice Figures have seen production, Hasbro's Forces have driven the fans into rabid anticipation.
Petitioning the giant super-corporation, Luke Skywalker and his small band of resculpt-fighters, have established a new secret fan base off a remote IRC server at SirStevesGuidetoHoth.
The evil Lord Darth Vader, obsessed with resculpting Skywalker, has dispatched three dumb Bracket Polls and a pack-in rating poll in the Voting Chamber...
[Cut to Cyberspace]
At Hasbro.starwar.com - as fans are being misguided to believe poll respondents actually think Master Yoda's Episode One figure was a brilliant stroke of genius to be added to the line, information about a "favorite packaging poll" gets posted on SirStevesGuide.
On patrol near the Forums on the WebSite, Luke Skywalker in Hoth Gear Resculpt astride his TaunTaun mount radios in to his friend Han Solo.
LUKE: "Resculpt Two to your Resculpt Two: You read me?"
HAN HOTH (version 2 on TaunTaun): "Loud and clear, pack-in crap. What's up?"
LUKE: "Well, I finished my re-issue. I don't pick up any life-readings."
HAN: "There aren't enough never-before-made characters from The Empire Strikes Back to fill a vintage Carrying Case. Hasbro's off-track. I'm going back and voting for General Reikeen."
LUKE: "Alright. I'm going to check out a 'Favorite Packaging Poll' Hasbro just added. It won't do any good. They've already decided against custom cardbacks. I'll see your resculpt shortly."
Suddenly Luke's TaunTaun is startled by something.
LUKE: "Hey! What's the matter, girl? You been marked down to five dollars or something?"
And next, Luke has no chance to react as he is viciously attacked by...
10-30-2001, 12:57 PM
. . . an extremely rare Wampa! But this is no ordinary Wampa--this is a 14" Target exclusive, and it makes short work of Luke's Tauntaun's packaging, dooming it to clearance.
10-30-2001, 05:43 PM
If you don't like the resculpts, then just don't buy them, okay?
Funny how the resculpts are nowhere to be found where I live. Aura Sing is everywhere though.
The very BEST SW figures out there are resculpts. The new Boba Fett, the Commtech vader, Mechanic Chewie, BD Battle Droid, Boss Nass, Sebulba, Luke X-wing (despite the weird face), and the new Leia Slave. Let;s face it, SW still has a LOT to do in order to catch up to the other toy lines out there as far as detail goes. Hasbro is learning their lesson, and resculpts are the proof to that.
Just how many other astromech droids and cantina alines can you fill a collection with? POTJ is a PERFECT bland. It beats me that fans are still complaining.
Kudos to Hasbro to developping action figures into a quasi art form.
Now where is my Luke Jedi resculpt?
10-30-2001, 06:07 PM
Welcome to the SirSteve's Guide (SSG for short) Forums, Princess_Leila! This is a creative thread where we make up stories based on the films' plotlines, using SW figures. Check out these older threads for background info:
That may make this funnier. Or not.:)
10-30-2001, 06:11 PM
What Luke's Tauntaun had sensed before it sensed the Target exclusive Wampa ;) was a massive dumping of Deluxe Probots. Not really 3 3/4" figures, not really accessories, they are sent to any store around the galaxy. One happens to land on SirStevesGuidetoHoth; a "rare" orange card variant. It slowly moves across the eBay boards, getting little notice amongst the frozen early POTF2 wasteland...
10-30-2001, 09:25 PM
But meanwhile, Luke is resculpted with a 360-degree-rotateable scarf, sports a new bloodied paint deco, and is carried off by the giant Target exclusive Wampa, who's yellow staining pattern reveals signs of curious bladder problem.
Catching back up with Han Hoth on TaunTaun, the dashing pack-in has returned to the Rebels' new main base.
A Hoth Rebel Soldier With A Goatee takes it for him, as Han changes into his 1996 Hoth Sculpt.
As Solo makes his way through the secret base, we see T-47 airspeeders being converted from Expanded Universe excuses-for-more-Hasbro-cash-grabs, to Rebel Armored Snowspeeders. Lots more of our friend with the goatee's twin brothers are helping out. It's a Pack of the Clones while the Gonk droid is wondering around "looking for how many other astromech droids you could fill a collection with" so he has someone to talk to ; ) [just kidding Leila]
Solo spots his Wookiee pal Chewbacca on top of the Millennium Falcon and raises his Open Hand.
HAN: "Chewie? Chewie!"
Chewbacca Mechanic is busy working on the Millennium Falcon, applying its stickers in the right locations, and growls menacingly at the Corellian pegwarmer of days past.
CHEWIE RESCULPT # 8 [translated]: "Are you going to help me or what? With this new and improved accurate sculpt I'm never going to fit into the cockpit or any other part of this ship again! So do you want to test this thing, or should I just give you the bill?"
HAN: "Alright. Alright. I'll come right back. Just let me scalp my Open Hand!"
In the main Base Operations and Tactical Room, Han searches and searches for General Reikeen.
He is still looking for General Reikeen.
K-3PO notices him and Han gives his report.
HAN: "No sign of satisfaction out there, Kate. A consensus was never made so we'll never know if EU re-do's was what the fans wanted hanging around."
K-3PO: "With all that and Leia and your Wookiee stagnating, it will be difficult to stock exciting cases."
HAN: "Kate, I gotta leave. I can't stay any longer."
K-3PO: "I'm sorry to hear that."
HAN: "With this hat on my head, I gotta sell out and satisfy the fans, or I'm a resculpt."
K-3PO: "I'm sorry to hear that. Your just a common figure, Solo. I'd hate to see a new 'you.'"
HAN (sarcastically): "Thank you, Kate. I love you too."
Han turns and changes into his Bespin Capture Resculpt and approaches Leia Hoth - who has been monitoring his conversation so far, and has been growing increasingly alarmed.
HAN: "Well Your Highnessness, I guess this is it."
LEIA: "That's right. Your last resculpt."
HAN: "Well Your Highnessness, don't get all discounted over me. So long, Princess."
He stalks out of Ops, but Leia is right behind him.
LEIA: "Han wait!"
HAN: "Yes Your Highnessness?"
LEIA: "I thought you had decided to stay?"
HAN: "Well the stockboy we ran into at Walmart made me change my price."
LEIA: "Han. We need you."
HAN: "We need? What about what the fans need?"
LEIA: "The fans need. I don't know what you're talking about!"
Han stalks off, baiting Leia to follow him.
HAN: "Come on! You want me to stay because of the way you feel about me."
LEIA: "Yes. You're a natural bargain."
HAN: "No! That's not it! Come on."
LEIA: "You're imagining things. I'd just as soon resculpt Kenobi!"
HAN: "I could arrange that! He could use a blue card!"
10-31-2001, 04:46 PM
Cut away to Echo Base hallway
R2-D2: (A multitude of insulting bleeps)
C-3PO: How was I supposed to know that Princess Leia's realistic clothes from the Princess Leia collection were supposed to be freeze-dried? I thought they were wash-and-wear. Look at me? I'm just a hunk of sculpted plastic and am not really original red-carded Threepio nor yet am I the Freeze Frame take-apart version either, just something in between.
R2-D2: (More insulting pseudo-farting noises)
C-3PO: Oh, switch off. If I wanted to hear your opinion I'd beat it out of you or one of your multiple resculpted clones.
Entering main hangar bay
Han (to Chewie): What the freak are you doing you walking Tauntaun hair ball? You're taking everything apart! I'm trying to get us out of here before Hasbro sculptors find us and make yet another useless version of our sorry hides. Put them back! Put them both back!
C-3PO: Excuse me sir, have you seen Master Luke?
Han: Master Luke? Haven't heard of that version. Is it new?
C-3PO (aside to R2): Sounds like Hasbro accidentally gave this one the Ashton Kutcher head from the Death Star Escape Han. (To Han) Aaaaaanyways, Princess Leia Hoth is worried because he's past due to arrive in stores. It's possible he's been held up in the regional distribution warehouse, or even worse, been captured by legions of scalpers.
Han: Deck officer, deck officer!
C-3PO: Sir, might I say that a deck officer was never sculpted by either Hasbro or Kenner.
Han: Crap on a cracker! We get how many Darth Vader reissues and not one decent rebel deck officer?!
C-3PO: Well, Kenner did make a Hoth rebel soldier in 1980. Maybe he'll do instead.
Han: Nah. They're only available on ebay, and it'll take at least a week for one to arrive even if we win an auction. I'll just peek ahead in the script and see what to do...Luke in wampa's lair...about to be killed...cuts off arm...wandering around in snow...OK, that's it. I'll just climb aboard this here Tauntaun and be off.
C-3PO: But sir, you aren't the pack-in Hoth Han resculpt, just the red-card version. Your unbendable knees will render you unable to ride it.
Han: You're right for once Goldenrod. I'll just summon the vintage Tauntaun we have out back and I'll just slide into the trap door underneath the saddle. Make sure it has the opening belly so I can get Luke inside once I find him. Oh yeah, I'll see you in hell.
10-31-2001, 06:18 PM
Meanwhile, Luke has been repackaged in the Wampa box, being held upside down. The $calpa thought this was a variant, and decided to hoard it, awaiting the "huge" profits. In the background, the $calpa I$E Mon$ter rips at corners and bubbles of new figures so "no scalpers" would buy them.
Luke begins to come to. His lightsaber is just out of reach, but since the blade is ignited, he cannot just grab it. He remembers, he can use the Force, and tries to make the saber come to him. However, since Hasbro uses extremely weak magnets in their action figures, it'll be awhile...
10-31-2001, 08:41 PM
LOL Bel Cam Jos! ROTFLOL!
Suddenly Luke notices that the $calpa monster has some of the Target Exclusive Hoth 12" 2-packs in his back stock that he hasn't beaten yet.
And better yet, his 12" counterpart (12" Luke Hoth in More Valuable Packaging) is already holding his lightsaber in the package! Faced with the wrath of a seriously venimous scalper, Luke heeds his training and calls upon the force...of the Market.
His 12" counterpart conceeds: they'll have to sacrafice that MIMB packaging, but there's no other choice. 12" Luke breaks out and frees his little friend! But by ruining the $calpa's chance of selling him, they've achieved a small victory over the Dark Side of the Market.
Upon seeing what they've done, the $calpa starts howling and throws a temper tantrum, tossing all the worthless extra figures from his R2 Holo Leia cases around until his right arm pops out of his shoulder!
Luke thanks his big friend and hurries out of the ISE cave.
11-01-2001, 04:23 PM
When last we saw him our hero, the super extremely rare green card, no-holo, squared-bubble, triangular-J hook Hoth Luke had barely escaped the vile clutches of the fiendish $calpa. Trudging through the endless wastelands of the TRU pegwarmers he spies several Adi Gallias, Mon Mothmas, and Deluxe Darth Mauls with worn corners and faded cards from being left too long outdoors during Saturday clearance sales.
"Good thing I'm so rare," thinks Luke. "I'd hate to be in their condition. Oh wait, I was just worked over by the dreaded $calpa. I hope I can get to Echo Base before the brand new FX-7 medical droid and Bacta Tank set get swiped by the roving band of Frank and Sons marauders or I'll never get the treatment I need."
As he marches on, he tumbles down a slope and discovers he's actually in an ACPin diorama, complete with phony snow and a Spirit Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: Luke you must go to the 1980 vintage Dagobah playset. There you will meet Yoda, winner of the starwars.hasbro.com Episode One bracket competition. He will teach you to resculpt the ways of the Force (a.k.a. Lucasfilm(TM)(C)(R))
Luke: Ben, you're all blue and crystal looking. I thought you would be your old brown-robed self, only just transparent. Instead you look like a friggin' gummi bear. Is it that cold out here?
11-01-2001, 06:52 PM
Originally posted by Mandalorian Candidat
As he marches on, he tumbles down a slope and discovers he's actually in an ACPin diorama, complete with phony snow and a Spirit Obi-Wan.
Just as the Ghost of Obi-Wan "rareness" fades away, Luke falls almost face-first into the phony snow," since his scarf has gotten stuck in the horizontal position. In the distance, still-kinda-rare Han with Tauntaun Beast Pack approaches.
Han: "Kid! Luke! C'mon, give me a sign!"
Han looks into the Freeze Frame binoculars to find out what he's supposed to do next. It is of little help. His Tauntaun, not being closely watched, is snapped up by a bratty kid ("Look! A ugly bunny, mommy!" ).
Han: "Well, looks like I'll have to resort to drastic measures."
Han puts Luke into the Han-with-Tauntaun packaging, only to survive being taken by other kids.
Han: "This'll keep you on the shelves until I can hid you in the girls' clothing department."
A large phony snowstorm covers the heroes...
11-01-2001, 10:58 PM
but with much thanks to ACPin (and his great bargain hunting for good deals) Luke and Han find themselves in this diorama section that's at least back online somewhere right by their secret base at SirStevesGuideToHoth.
[MandalorianCandidat - you had me rolling! "seek out Yoda: winner of the Hasbro 1999 Bracket Poll - in a 1980's playset," out of necessity no doubt!)
Meanwhile, back at the Rebel Base, Princess Leia grows tired of waiting. She tunes in an old episode of "Cheers" as it's her only hope of seeing Major Derlin.
R2D2 has gotten out his datalink sculpt and reveals a handy sensorscope. He's worried about $calpa monsters, too.
C-3PO: "You must come along Artoo. We can't afford you getting scalped. And my Minted Coin figure is gathering dust."
R2 whoops and bleeps!
C-3PO: "Don't vary the spelling that way! It's supposed to be "the Death Star Trash Compactor" not "The Imperial" one. You watch and your stupid gimmicks you insist upon will one day get you scalped!"
[Funny how R2 has become such a main character in our script versions. He's still carrying the e-mails from the fans and until The Resculpt of the Jedi, this part of our story arc won't see resolution. That's OK though. You gotta Love Artoo!]
11-01-2001, 11:22 PM
At this time, out in ACPin's section online, Han Hoth surveys his box.
HAN: "Funny. You'd think Hasbro would have more of these in back-stock."
But far enoungh away from one-click site navigating, no one can find Zev at the Rebel Base. Still, that's OK because now that Dak finally has a figure, he'll actually get to do something.
Flying at maximall download times over all the sponsoring advertisers, Dak navigates his T-47 connected snowspeeder past any ISE pains on SirStevesGuideToHoth.
DAK: "Commander Skywalker, are you a copy? This is Morgue One."
"Captain Solo, are YOU a copy? This is Morgue One."
There's no response.
DAK: "Commander Skywalker, are you a copy?"
And suddenly Han's voice rings out loud and clear.
HAN: "Good resculpt. For his Hoth outfit, this is the third time."
Dak smiles and e-mails headquarters online.
DAK: "Echo Base, this is Morgue One: I've found them! Resculpts. But I found them."
The snowspeeder somehow manages to fit all three, even with Han's bow-leggedness, and Dak flies them back to base, Han straddling the harpoon gun.
11-02-2001, 04:15 AM
As soon as they land, Luke is on the road to a great recovery.
Not because he is under the care of the reknowned medical expert 2-1B.
By the time of this movie, Hasbro has the great surgeon droid carefully operating a public relations column for Wizards of the Coast's fan club property.
But no, a totally new action figure of Luke Skywalker is under the very professional care of FX-7, Assistant Technician Droid!
Han Bespin stands Captured in awe of the Power of the Jedi, and the detailed sculpting and amazing art deco Hasbro lent the droid.
In the doorway to SickBay, Leia Hoth stands Frozen in the Frame in almost a state of disbelief that a Deluxe Figure could come with his own playset basically - and not have to be a Fan Club Exclusive either!
The bacta tank idea really holds water - and FX-7's legendary stamp of approval rating reads healthy. To get that pink effect, kids at home could use that one type of lemonade - this set even has a straw! FX-7 points out that everyone does better with Vitamin-C. And Luke is recovering!
This will probably be the greatest victory for the Rebellion (and the fans) in this whole movie!
11-02-2001, 05:04 AM
I think that our other heroes are a little jealous of Luke's special availability.
Once he's out of the tank, all Luke's friends come to see him in Recovery.
C-3PO: "Bacta Luke, it's disturbing Hasbro never gave you a bath robe. Artoo is also concerned about that scene."
Han walks in.
SOLO: "How ya feeling, Kid? With that lack of articulation below the waist, you won't be able to do with the Princess what I just did. That's one opportunity you owed me, Kid."
[To the Princess] "Well Your Highness, I guess you managed to get me to hang around here a while longer."
LEIA: "I had nothing to do with it. The fans were induced to want clean and dirty Biker Scouts. You just shipped in the cases they came with."
HAN: "That's a good assortment. But I bet you just can't bear to let a gorgeous guy like me get out of your sight."
LEIA: "I don't know where you got any exclusives, Clearance Bargain!"
Chewie starts to guffaw and laughs whole-heartedly.
Turning to him, Han says...
SOLO: "Rack 'em up Fuzball. With those goggles and those stilts on, I still don't see you outselling anyone!"
LEIA [to Han]: "Why YOU are a bent-card, peg-warmin' resculpted, overly-common, One-Scene-Wonder!"
HAN: "Who's pegwarming?"
[to Luke] "You think if I got sculpted in my underwear I'd get her all riled up Kid?"
LEIA: "Well I guess you don't know anything about Marketing yet."
K-3PO's voice is heard over the Recovery Room's loudspeakers:
K-3PO: "Overstocked Personnel. You're recalled back to Clearance Isle. Overstocked Personnel. You're recalled back to Clearance Isle."
Everyone but Luke Bacta leaves the room.
THREEPIO: "Discount us, please."
When Leia and friends arrive at the Clearance Isle, they receive a disturbing report from K-3PO.
K-3PO: "Princess, we have a fan survey."
Hoth Rebel Soldier: "It's revisiting nostalgia."
HAN: "It could be one of ours. Like a General Reikeen petition."
Hoth Rebel Soldier: "Wait a minute. There's something very meaningless coming through."
THREEPIO: "Sir, I am worthless in over 6 million variations, but this survey concerns packaging. And it may be given by Hasbro."
HAN: "It isn't helping, whatever it is."
"Come on Chewie, let's log on."
K-3PO: "Sending them votes again and again when they've already taken their position?"
Chewie and Han make the perilous link with Hasbro's website. To avoid detection, they've disguised themselves: Chewie has covered his fur with white paint, and Han has redonned his 1996 hat and open glove - so that he looks nothing like himself and it is very difficult to recognize him.
Soon enough, in the Voting Chamber, they encounter the Favorite Packaging Poll.
Chewie votes for the 12-Back. The site fires results back. Then Han comes and votes for Return of the Jedi from behind, because the movie title is included on that.
Then suddenly Hasbro reveals a blue, totally generic card back, and the fans' hopes are blown into a thousand pieces!
At the Rebel Base, Han reports to Leia on his commlink.
HAN: "Afraid it doesn't count for much."
LEIA: "What was it?"
HAN: "A lost opportunity. It's a good bet that Hasbro's Empire doesn't care what we think."
K-3PO: "We need to remind them about General Reikeen!"
[and guys: I started the Empire's scenes - click on the next page over]
11-02-2001, 05:32 AM
At Bobby's Brother's garage sale, far away from cyberspace, the evil Lord Darth Vader [pick a number 1 through 15] has survived the Battle in the Attic, covered in our last movie. He is now assembled with his men, being bought up at bargain prices by ACPin.
Grand Moff Tarkin was pitched in with the other Imperials, and in our story, is still with them (since Admiral Ozzel is just not happening).
Captain Piett is a less common Imperial Action figure, and at a garage sale, a special finding.
PIETT: "Grand Moff Tarkin."
TARKIN [walking with General Veers, exclusive to the ATAT]: "Yes Captain?"
PIETT: "I think we're being bargained for, Sir. It's a Collector Sir, but one with World Wide Web connections."
TARKIN: "We have plenty of connections. I have six points of articulation myself."
PIETT: "But Sir, ACPin's website is still supposed to be devoid of our likenesses."
Abruptly, Darth Vader turns from where he was meditating on what happened to the good 'ol days - when at garage sales he could entertain himself by making his lightsaber go in and out of his arm. He takes several long and swift strides to come face to face with Piett, Veers, and Tarkin.
VADER: "You've found out something, Captain?"
PIETT: "Yes my Lord."
Darth Vader beholds ACPin.
VADER: "That's him?"
TARKIN: "My Lord. There are so many collectors, it could be a mistake or something."
VADER: "No. He is a photographer who posts his dioramas - and Skywalker will be in them!"
(to ACPin who might think his figures really do talk to him ; )
"Collector, set your course to go online with the system!"
(to his army commander) "General Veers, resculpt more of your men, and make they have E-web Cannons!"
11-02-2001, 12:54 PM
Our saga continues
Mandalorian Candidat, after a good night's rest, logs on to SSG and discovers that Tycho has single-handedly commandered the script to RSB and hence the power to command wave after wave of superfluous Hasbro resculpts... ;)
-Interior, Rebel Echo Base control room-
General Riekan (as disembodied voice): What the hey! We get yet another Darth Maul resculpt and I have yet to be made. OK everybody, just pretend I'm over here until Hasbro decides to get their act together and actually make me a body.
Rebel control tech: Several 1981 Star Destroyer playsets have emerged from hyperspace, sir.
-Interior, Echo Base hangar
Princess Leia: Thank heavens I escaped the grasp of the fan club! If not for the gracious $1.97 clearance sale at TRU, I'd never have wound up here. Anyways, since we're shorthanded we're going to send each 1981 vintage rebel transport up with one 1978 vintage X-Wing and a newer 1996 POTF model.
Random X-Wing pilot: Two X-Wings against a Star Destoyer playset?!
Leia: Don't worry. Have you actually seen them? They're only about the size of a TIE fighter and come with one cannon which doesn't even fire real plastic projectiles. That technology wasn't available in the early 80's so you'll be OK.
-Interior, Darth Vader's chamber
General Veers: My Lord, the playset has emerged from hyperspace. There is protective packaging surrounding the Echo Base playset which is strong enough to survive any bombardment from Bobby's younger brother.
Darth Vader (ultra-buff red card version): General Ozzel is not only as clumsy as he is stupid, but also has never actually been sculpted. (Activates video screen) You have failed me for the last time Ozzel. Pack your bags and head over to Playmates. Maybe they'll sculpt you as part of their Simpsons series out of pity. Come to think of it, you do have a resemblence to the Kurt Brockman figure.
11-04-2001, 11:15 PM
DARTH VADER: "Captain Piett. Make ready to land our troops beyond the Turret and Probot Playset's vintage box. See to it that we get in, but no one damages the packaging! Tarkin's not supposed to be in this movie. You are in command now Admiral Piett!"
PIETT: "Thank you Lord Vader."
Meanwhile Han and Chewie are almost finished putting all the stickers on the Millennium Falcon.
HAN: "That's it. A little to the right."
"No! Peel it off! Peel it off!"
In SickBay, Luke Bacta has no choice but to prematurely end his recovery. His new X-wing Pilot Resculpt is already suited up and ready.
In Luke's Star Wars Insider, reknowned advice columnist 21-B has some advice:
21-B: "Take your long saber, Sir."
LUKE (X-wing) [flashes his big buck teeth and then looks like]:
"Duh? Good idea!"
As Luke catches up with everyone in the hanger bay, including Chewie, all 6 versions of him.
LUKE: "Keep a pair of yourselves Chewbacca."
Chewie grabs Luke and shows him his new Dejarik table.
LUKE: "O.K. We'll play! We'll play!"
But right now, the battle is coming. Luke exchanges an emotional but nearly speechless goodbye with Han.
HAN: "Be valuable."
LUKE: "Long sabers are still worth a few."
They depart, uncomfortably. Each not knowing what is going to happen.
Meanwhile a Rebel Transport has just taken off, with 2 X-wings flying close escort.
The disembodied voice of General Reikeen is busy taking command: "Their primary target will be to get inside the packaging. Prepare to fire our plastic missle. And see if that red confetti paper in the new turret cannon is good for something. Only watch your head!"
On board a Star Destroyer, an Imperial Officer can't find Captain Lennox (yes that was his name - rare trivia - what was the name of his ship?)
IMP OFFICER: "I can't find the captain and Rebel ships are heading this way."
ANOTHER OFFICER: "Great. Our 5th character that hasn't been made!"
11-05-2001, 05:42 PM
Was it the Avenger, Tycho?
The Rebellion has something up its sleeve; a slightly-played with Hoth World Micro Collection set! Firing the ion cannnon towards the vintage Star Destroyer, the Imperials are so shocked to actually see one of these toys, they miss the Rebel Transport that passes by it.
(Unproduced Hoth Luke COMMtech chip voice): "The first transport is away!"
Several Rebels cheer, and all the vintage ones can do is raise one arm.
11-06-2001, 01:54 AM
The Resculpt Strikes Back: now with bonus trivia!
No Bel Cam Jos, the Avenger was Captain Needa's ship. Needless to say, he won't be appearing in this movie. Too many resculpts, and the Avenger's captain was never made. (not that we need him, particularly.
In any case, Captain Lennox's ship was not the Devastator or the Executer either. The former was the ship Vader used before the Super Star Destroyer was commissioned, and that one was captained by Piett. So the question remains: which Star Destroyer was just hit by the rebel Ion Cannon playset?
11-06-2001, 11:16 AM
As Tycho and Bel-Cam Jos endlessly debate the alarming chain of events, our story continues...
-Outside Echo Base
The thundering feet of five AT-ATs can be heard. Either a vintage Rebel Commander or POTF2 Hoth Rebel Soldier (take your pick, they're the same stupid useless figure) peers through their plastic binoculars to witness the horrific destruction coming their way. He quickly drops a plastic load in his plastic pants.
Luke (jumping into his prototype Damaged Snowspeeder/TRU/Target/W-M exclusive): How's it hanging Dack?
Dack: A little to the left sir, but that doesn't matter to our plot. I feel like I can take on the whole resculpted Empire, EU figures and all.
Luke: We'll don't get too comfortable. I've read ahead in the script and let's just say that if your life is like a game of baseball, we're in the bottom of the ninth with 2 outs and a full count.
11-12-2001, 06:03 PM
Armies of Imperial AT-AT's, purchased for a mere fraction of the original cost, walk toward the Rebel Base. The majority of them only have one pilot, but one in fifty has a second pilot who looks ever so slightly different and wields a blaster and Freeze Frame for extra protection.
An AT-ST in an orange box darts out in front to lead the charge, but is quickly snapped up by a scalper. We'll have to wait for The Script for Hasbro's Episode VI to see more. :(
All at once, the cargo area of each AT-AT lights up with an enormous picture of Vader. A tinny reproduction of Veers' voice blares from each of them. "We've located the stash of POTF2 clearances. You may land when ready."
Aboard his Star Destroyer playset, Vader responds: "Send an army of Snowtroopers--all three varieties! I want one Trooper in each platoon to have an E-WEB and another to carry a coin, in case they get lost and have to call us for a ride."
"But sir, shouldn't they just dial down the middle, like Carrot Top said?"
"This isn't a random story thread under Miscellaneous, Veers. Do as I said."
In an unfilmed scene from the Tales of the Hasbro Marketers paperback, Vader turns to Admiral Piett and says, "Put out a call for all bounty hunters. We must reach the one man who is more popular than any Rebel and can help us crush them once and for all."
"Surely you don't mean. . . ."
"Yes, Piett. The man who has four resculpts. And don't call me Shirley!"
11-27-2001, 10:51 AM
Meanwhile. . . .
11-27-2001, 11:44 AM
Oh my god, this is freakin' hilarious.:p
Anyway, page 48 of the Empire Strikes Back hardcover: The Avenger, (blah blah)...Captain Needa, commander of the Avenger's crew (blah blah)..."Stand by, Ion Control" (blah blah)...The twin red bolts struck the enormous ship, (etc, etc)
However, the obscure Captain Lennox commands the yet unproduced Star Destroyer Tyrant.
11-27-2001, 01:02 PM
Bossk walks uneasily down the Star Destroyer hallway and bumps into Zuckuss and 4-LOM.
"Watch where you're going, freak!" Zuckuss cries out.
"Hey, if Hasbro always painted your eyes on crooked you'd have trouble walking too. Ssssssso don't get your mumu in a bunch, lobster-boy." Bossk retorted.
Zuckuss looked closer at the lazy-eyed Bossk and had to repress a snicker. 4-LOM laughed out loud.
Soon they met up with the new improved IG-88. "Fear me pathetic fools! I am the open handed variation and will make someone a fortune on e-bay!"
Zuckuss looked at Bossk and Bossk looked at Zuckuss and the ceiling simultaneously, "Didn't someone tell him this isn't 1995 anymore?"
Bossk snorted and hissed, "Yesss, some of us weren't blesssssed with rare, ultra-valuable variantsssss. Unless you count a good paint job as a rare variant."
"By the way, were's Dengar?" 4-LOM asked.
"He'sssss back at the Hasbro factory getting ressssculpted the self-centered bastard." Bossk replied.
Suddenly they all heard a loud bang and turned to see Boba Fett landing in his Slave 1.
11-27-2001, 05:20 PM
There is a clanking noise inside the Slave I as Boba tries several times to bring the cockpit down. Finally, frustrated, he just pops off the plastic dome so he can join his fellow bounty hunters.
"Oh, sorry. I thought you were Zuckuss."
"Well, I was, but, well, it's a long story. I'll tell you while the Imperials wipe out the Rebel base. . . ."
11-27-2001, 06:02 PM
In a vain attempt to survive, TRU tries to release waves of Snowspeeders and Deluxe Rebel Soldiers at discount prices to withstand the onslaught of New Imperial Product. Unfortuntely, they are put in wire bins, damaging the corners and boxes to undesirable status. Rare $10 AT-ATs get all the publicity and purchasing. It is a rout.
Luke, however, is still trying to get his Hoth Peril ship out to retailers...
12-03-2001, 10:28 PM
Luke: "Use your coupons and Geoffrey Dollars. Their over-production's too strong for the marketplace."
Dack: "Luke! I'm having trouble getting to the shelves!"
Luke: "C'mon, Dack! You've never been sculpted before."
An explosion hits the box, knocking in to the floor and jammed beneath a shopping cart.
Luke: "I'm dented!"
A small, drooling child who has been ignored by her parents begins to slowly crawl towards our hero's box. Luke desperately tries to get out in time, before he's permanently worthless!
12-04-2001, 03:39 AM
Dang Bel-Cam, this was so funny, I spit up my drink and it barely missed ruining my keyboard! I love the dialog with Luke and Dak!
As the AT-AT's continue their unrelenting onslaught, Morgue Squadron's Commander makes a desperate call for help.
LUKE: "Wedge, I've dented my packaging, and I wasn't even stocked."
WEDGE: "Copy Morgue Leader. I'm coming in a cinema box."
The pilots Wedge Antilles and Arvenididileavetheirononinmyapartment Crivelnedskiorsnowboardtherockymountains leap out of their cinema scene box, and Tien Numb who died at the Battle in the Attic remains behind and makes Morgue Squadron a great mascot!
The two heroes climb into another clearence Snowspeeder from the Just Found section and move towards the last reported location of the enemy AT-AT's.
WEDGE: "Activate the Coupons!"
"Good ad, Arven!"
"One more task...."
ARVEN: "Toys R Us dot com."
WEDGE: "Free Shipping and handling!"
ARVEN: "Offered it!"
Suddenly all the AT-AT's are all but gone!
WEDGE: "Whoah! That sold them!"
LUKE: "I bought one! Good job!"
But a couple AT-AT's still remain on SirStevesGuidetoHoth, making a killer show of their display power in A.C.Pin's dioramas!
Back in the Rebel Base, General Reikeen's disembodied voice sounds very concerned.
REIKEEN'S DISEMBODIED VOICE: "I don't think we can upload two transports at once."
LEIA: "It's risky, but we have no choice. Send all troops to the Clearance Finds to flood our posts."
01-02-2002, 01:41 AM
Suddenly a blast comes too close and the command center trembles so violently, that as Han Bespin enters - he is nearly thrown onto his knees. But his lack of articulation proves to be a plus, as it makes that impossible.
LEIA [to Han] "I thought you had gotten your Clearance Tag!"
HAN: "Don't worry Your Less-Than-New-Likeness, I'll clear out but first I've got to get you on the market with your last transport."
C-3PO: "Your Highness, we must sell the last ship, it's our only hope!"
LEIA ignores him: "Send all troops to Clearance Isles to protect the F/X fighters."
Then an even larger blast knocks the princess off her feet. She falls back into Han who catches her, and for an instant, something connects between them, in their eyes.
VOICE OF FRIGHTENED REBEL SOLDIER: "Imperial troops have entered the base. Imperial troops have.....tsssssssshhhhhhh!"
Everyone knows what the static means.
HAN [to the princess]: "Come on. That's it."
Even the brave Princess Leia knows when a battle cannot be won and it is time to make a strategic retreat.
LEIA [to a rebel soldier] "Give the evacuation code signal, then get a shave - and get to your transport!"
Out on the ISE plains of SirStevesGuidetoHoth the Rebels start to run for it.
REBEL SOLDIER with Goatee: "Begin Retreat!"
REBEL SOLDIER without Goatee: "Fall Back!"
John Williams most tragic musical fan fare picks up its signature tempo as the remaining Imperial AT-AT's come upon the fleeing Rebel Soldiers and crush their packaging!
Meanwhile, Luke Skywalker in Morgue One uniform has just escaped the barely released Hoth Peril boxes just as the first assortment to become available is permanently damaged by the drooling little girl. Switching uniforms for his 1996 Snowspeeder flight suit, Luke makes contact with his 1995 brother, Luke Tatooine, and borrows his grappling hook gun, while the steroids his friend took help via the muscles he grew, which protect him from the frigid Hoth climate. But Luke Snowspeeder must do this alone, as his brother can't stay in this weather or alas the combination of his steroids and the cold will make his lightsaber shrink.
But our Luke is in luck - just as he is about to die from pseismic pressure because his helmet is too small for his head, he discovers the Imperials have conveniently left a grappeling hook gun attached to the side of the nearest AT-AT and if he is lucky, Luke can make use of that somehow.
01-09-2002, 12:48 PM
Using the grappling hook's rapid-ascent feature, Luke quickly scales the massive AT-AT and fumbles on his utility belt for the appropriate device with enough firepower to take the behemoth walker out of the fight. He finds it and barely has enough time to ditch his grappling hook cable before the orange $10.99 sticker has done it's job! The walker is gone - snatched by a collector! But now Luke is alone in the middle of the battle and he's all out of clearance sale tags!
At that same instant, Han Solo, Princess Leia, and C-3PO are desperately trying to reach the last Rebel Transport. It's too late. They are only what was left from vintage collections these days, and hardly have enough room for all of Han and Leia's resculpts to even qualify as a transport suitable for any main character from the modern collection - because where would all the cool figures fit?
HAN: "Transport: this is Solo. All of us would never fit with you. I'll get her out on the Falcon."
Han grabs Leia and they begin to run the opposite way down the halls of the yet-unproduced Rebel Flight Hanger.
C-3PO - "Wh-wh- where are you going?"
HAN: "We only have that cardboard backed vintage playset to do this scene, and I just KNOW General Veers is hiding in the packaging! Besides, all of us can never fit in that little cave they recycled from Land of the Jawas, and we'll have to stuff your resculpt in there in peices! Gosh knows what'll happen to me and Leia if we have to hide out in there. I'll probably get frozen in this ISE-ball!
The whole website glitches and experiences a cascade server interrution and Darth Vader and his legions of Snowtroopers make their entrance!
JOHN WILLIAMS: "Dah-Dah-duh-de-de-duh-de-de-duh,
dah-dah-daaaah-duh-de-duh-de-de-duh" (this is really, really good music)
The Dark Lord of the Sith and his army of Clones (the new politically correct term for resculpts) start to tear apart ACPin's dioramas looking everywhere for Rebels to capture.
C-3PO tumbles against a door and notes that the link says "Rare Luke and Wampa beast pack" and he takes down the handle and replaces it with the SirStevesGuidetoHoth's default link description: "Click Here!"
The snowtroopers entering the page are quickly decimated by half their numbers as scalpers rush to find the rare beast pack!
C-3PO: "Wait! Wait!"
HAN: "C'mon Goldenrod, or you're going to be a permanent Resculpt!"
The heroes finally reach a frantic Chewbacca who's been so distraught he got his arms stuck behind his head! They clamber aboard the Millennium Falcon and Han attempts to get it warmed up fast! But the layer of dust on the packaging indicates it's been sitting for too long of time.
Snowtroopers burst into the Falcon's berthing dock and begin to open fire while others begin setting up their E-web cannons. Darth Vader sites his quarry at last!
LEIA: "Would it help if I threw out your TaunTaun resculpt?"
HAN: "It might!"
"Dang it! They got pictures of everything else that goes with Star Wars toys on this site, but there's no images of the batteries! What's the matter, doesn't SirSteve think the fans deserve detailed scans of the new Coppertop?! Huh? How come none of these darn fan sites ever show pictures of the batteries!!!!"
CHEWIE: [growls] and hands Han some Energizers - for some reason there is pink fur all over them, but Chewie just smiles and burps once.
LEIA: "Someday you're going to make a mistake and I just hope I'm hanging around to see it!"
HAN: "Check the racks, Sweetheart! Hanging around is all my Baby's doing lately! No surprises."
The Snowtroopers complete assembly of one E-web cannon and begin firing hate messages from the Forums' message boards with the power of the world-wide-web behind them and they redirect the fire at Hasbro back on the Falcon!
Jedi Tricks complains! Grand Admiral Thrawn b*'s about something! Emperor Jargo makes an issue as big as the Titanic! Stillakid wrecks confusion onto the battle field!
But the Falcon's engines whine to life!
HAN: "Punch them!"
Chewie knocks these guys silly.
HAN: "Punch it!"
The Millennium Falcon races out of the Rebel Hanger and makes her flight of escape!
Darth Vader is left so seethingly mad you can see lightning snap in his head as his rage throws him into brain-seizures!
Out on the ISE plains of SirStevesGuidetoHoth, Luke has made it back to where R2D2 has his X-wing standing bye.
Wedge and the last of Morgue Squadron's defenders are scrambling to make their escape. The Rebels' have been routed!
WEDGE: "Good luck Luke. I hope you get that helmet off!"
LUKE: "Thanks Wedge. You too."
WEDGE: "I'll see you at the Resculpt Point."
LUKE: "But this is not over yet!"
R2D2 warbles somethng to Luke and he notes the time to make his escape has gotten urgent.
LUKE: "OK, we're going R2. We're going"
The X-wing rockets off and out and away from danger, ACPin's dioramas, and SirStevesGuidetoHoth and heads for the great unknown darkness in Cyberspace.
01-11-2002, 10:10 PM
Our heroes separate, only to make this thread more confusing! :rolleyes:
Han, Leia, Threepio, and Chewie speed away in the Falcon. Micro Machine Star Destroyers flood the market and release several waves of orange box TIE Fighters. Jamming all these items onto one shelf is damaging all the packaging.
Han (in the "secret" compartment): "Give me the Jedi training ball."
Chewie hands him a sticker sheet.
Han: "No! I said... ow!"
Han's head is bumped on the upside-down laser cannon seat.
Han: "That was no
I am losing my touch. I have no idea how to continue this. :cry: I'll give it a whirl later.
01-12-2002, 11:00 PM
(Let's try this again)
Leia: "Han! Get up here!"
Han races the short distance to the cardboard wall blocking any access to the cockpit that only fits two figures.
A stock person is poorly carrying all the extra Queen's Starship boxes with re-taped ends, and the out-of-date catalogs are falling out and hitting the Falcon.
Han: "Chewie, plot a course."
Chewie (from somewhere else in the ship): "Grrghh?!?"
Leia: "What? You're not actually thinking of buying one of them at full retail?"
Han: "They'd be crazy to follow me, wouldn't they?"
Threepio (some other somewhere else): "Sir, the shipping and sales tax on a $100 item have got to be $30.00 to $21.00!"
Han: "Never tell me the add-ons!"
(Hope this's okay)
Meanwhile, Luke heads for the mysterious world of...
01-14-2002, 12:44 PM
. . . Dagobah-Mart. There, he hopes to find a rare exclusive 12" Jedi Master named Yoda.
Unfortunately, Luke almost immediately crashes his ship. Luckily for him, ToyFare is sold out of the damaged Action Fleet X-Wing and Luke sustains no damage. He turns his head slightly.
"Fire up the converters!"
Luke bumps the lever an extra time, and the cockpit lights up. Ben's voice, from nowhere, says, "Luke, trust me!"
Luke finally leaps from the X-Wing, landing in a huge puddle of Sam's Choice soda that spilled over from the grocery section, and removes his helmet. Artoo also climbs out, and is almost covered in the lemonade--only the hilt of Luke's saber sticks out of the glop.
A Monsters Inc Sully doll leaps from the clearance aisle and swallows Artoo whole! Since his flight suit isn't packaged with a weapon, Luke can only look at the scene and make odd rabbit faces. Sully quickly spits Artoo out, and he lands next to Luke.
As Luke wipes the sand off Artoo (since a snot-covered Artoo remains to be produced), he says, "You're lucky you don't sell very good."
Lucas immediately disapproves of this line and rushes in to change it to, "You're lucky to get out of that clearance aisle!"
01-14-2002, 11:46 PM
R2D2 warbles off some more complaints and Luke nods in agreement.
LUKE [whines]: "Oh Artoo. What are we doing here? It's not like were going to find what we're looking for in stock. The whole retail situation's just crazy!"
Suddenly Artoo belches to notate the arrival of Reknowned Star Wars collector Thrawn. Seeing nothing better to buy, and no one around to complain about distribution to, Thrawn buys Luke Goofy-Toothe and takes R2's carbon-scored Naboo Escape figure, as it's the closest he'll get to a swamp-stained look without another resculpt.
Thrawn grins back at Luke - not because he has a high opinion of this figure, but because he made off with it for 3 bucks on clearance - and that was all he thought it was worth!
But the future begins to look brighter as Grand Admiral Thrawn helps his new action figures find dry land in a collection dense enough to surely include the rare Vintage Dagobah Playset, where Luke must seek out Yoda - Winner of the Episode One Brackett Tournament of Hasbro.com's.
Luke dons his helmet as things are getting better, and the future's so bright - he's gotta wear shades.
01-21-2002, 03:31 PM
Meanwhile. . . .
Han dodges legions of pegwarming TIE Interceptors. Though fast, the Interceptors quickly lose track of the Falcon since the pilots all have loose necks and can't look in one direction very long.
Vader tosses dozens of the new Imperial Officer aside and comes across the long-discontinued Captain Piett figure. "You are MOMC now, Admiral Piett," he says, snatching up this find. "And I want that TIE Bomber released!"
Vader turns to Boba Fett and the rest of the bounty hunters. "I want them captured in mint condition--no loose figures!"
"Condition guaranteed," says Fett.
01-21-2002, 06:19 PM
Just before Vader's demand of no loose figs, Imperial Officer talks with a fellow figure. He notices "new" POTJ versions of Dengar, Zuckuss, IG-88, and 4-LOM.
Officer: "Resculpts. We don't need their scum!"
Bossk (in unproduced COMMtech): "Bzzt arggrt hcjjkkt gizzert."
Officer: "How rude!"
Meanwhile, to avoid the approaching TIE Interceptors, Han takes his Falcon into a place no Imperial would dare follow; the spilled detergant aisle!
Han: "I'll have to shut down production of Han Bespin Capture figures until this economic downturn improves."
Threepio: "Pardon me for asking, sir, but does that include putting out another of me?"
Han: "Oh no. I need you to have your crappy Sail Barge Sculpt With Removable Eye resculpt waiting until after the AOTC waves are out."
01-23-2002, 11:54 AM
Suddenly a few boxes of Tide and Wisk fall on the Falcon.
C-3PO: "Sir: it's quite possible the detergeant isle is not entirely safe."
HAN: "Not entirely safe? The boxes say Color-Safe on all the labels! Chewie, take the Professor on any color cardback and start him washing my soft-goods clothes. Leia's Collection has a lot of laundry in it, too!"
C-3PO: "Oh sometimes I just don't understand Hasbro's behavior! After all, I'm only trying to be exciting for kids..."
[He's taken behind the cardboard panel by Chewbacca].
Meanwhile large meaty hands are searching through the detergeant boxes, and the Falcon gets bumped and Leia falls into Han Solo's arms.
LEIA: "Let go."
HAN (quite happy with the Princess in his arms, but distracted): "Shhhhh!"
LEIA: "Let go!"
HAN: "Don't get exciting, Sweetheart!"
LEIA: "Captain, getting held by you isn't half as exciting as all the invectives I'd hurl at you if I had just one more CommTech chip!"
HAN (smiling): "Sorry Princess, Hasbro finally made one bright decision!"
01-23-2002, 11:58 AM
Meanwhile, back at Grand Admiral Thrawn's house, amidst the swamp of his vintage collection, Luke has changed into his Bespin sculpt and set up camp in the Vintage Dagobah Playset.
R2D2 with Datalink is with him.
LUKE: "Ready for a hand?"
[he takes off his removeable hand and tries to stick it in Artoo's accessory portals, but he's not having much luck attaching it]
LUKE (looking around, he begins to whine): "If you think coming here was a bad idea, I think I'm starting to agree with you."
"Oh Artoo - look at all these vintage playsets! Our modern collection isn't going to have anything quality like this. I just hope I can find this Master Yoda."
Still, there's a lot of cool features on this old Dagobah playset. I think it would be cool if..."
Suddenly Luke is cut off in mid-sentence by a tiny half-sized action figure that came out of nowhere (or from under that spongey stuff in the playset)! We know it to be Yoda - Winner of the Episode One Bracket Tournament - but Luke doesn't know that yet.
YODA: "You think it would be cool if what?"
01-24-2002, 01:37 AM
LUKE: "I think it would be cool if Hasbro started making cool playsets like this again!"
YODA: "Away put thoughts that are too good to be true! I mean it's not reasonable."
"I was wondering, why are you trying to attach your hand to that droid?"
LUKE: "Artoo needed a hand. This was my new, cool feature. A removeable hand. See?"
(Luke tosses Yoda his right hand for examination).
YODA: "Ah, new cool features - ideas for them I have. Yes. Help you I can."
LUKE: "I don't think so. I don't think having the figures come with rooted hair, portable glow lamps, and couselor chairs are going to work for all the figures."
YODA: "Ah but imagination you lack - all that is needed is there - for the first Star Wars barber shop playset. Don't you think that's great?"
Yoda starts examining Luke's hand he still holds...
"And then Civil War Hospital, I think. Heh-heh-he."
LUKE: "Hey, give me my hand back. I'm going to need it if I'm going to fight against this Empire and their lousy resculpts!"
YODA: "Lousy resculpts? My glow lamp and council chair these came from!"
R2D2 has been trying using his grabbing claw accessory to try and get Luke's hand back.
YODA: "Mine! Or I will help you not!"
LUKE: "Oh Artoo, let him have it!"
"Now could you move along little fella? We've got a lot of planning to do."
YODA: "No, no. Stay and give you a tour of how to make a REAL playset I will."
LUKE: "I'm not interested in the playsets, first things first. They'll come in later but I really want a greater variety of characters, aliens, droids, and figures posed the way the collectors want!"
YODA: "Ah, you seek Justice. Yes, yes."
LUKE: "Do you think it's possible?"
YODA: "With Power of the Jedi, showed us things possible - Hasbro did that. Teach you to use that, I will. But come, first we tour the playset. Yes- yes!"
Luke looks back and forth between Artoo-Deeto and the little, green creature he's found, and struggles to reach a decision.
LUKE: "Artoo. Stay here. I've got to get back my hand."
01-24-2002, 11:40 AM
Our heroes are trying to come up with a place to hide, if only temporarily, from their evil pursuers...
HAN[points at chart] That's interesting...
LEIA[walks up to HAN]: What's interesting?
LEIA: Where is that?
HAN[chuckles]:Heh, no he's not a place, he's a person. We go back a long ways....
LEIA: Can we trust him?
HAN: Sure, he's only got 4 sculpts, and each one is sillier than the last. I think we can trust him.
01-24-2002, 01:25 PM
HAN: "Lando Calrissian... He's a sc... well, he's a Customizable Card Game player, a gambler, and a $calper. You'd like him."
LEIA: "Hmmmm. Card City by $calpers by the Coast?"
HAN: "It's a long shot, but I think we can make it. But first we'll have to fix the ship.
C-3PO: "Oh, where is Artoo when I need him?!"
[To Han] "Sir, I don't know where your ship learned to communicate, but it doesn't have a CommTech reader."
HAN: "Well of course it doesn't have a CommTech reader! Chewie never got a CommTech chip."
[to Chewie] hands him his Force File to the Dejerik Champion figure: "Here - you get this instead. And thank the Force that droid never came with a CommTech either. How about we take him apart and lose the head?"
Chewie grunts in agreement, while Leia is busy trying to get the boarding ramp struts to stay in their place. Han notices the beautiful Princess, and moves towards her...
01-24-2002, 05:53 PM
... suddenly, a shift in marketing strategies pushes Han and Leia into the discount aisles.
Leia: "Let go."
HAN (quite happy with the Princess in his arms, but distracted): "Shhhhh!"
LEIA: "Let go!"
HAN: "Don't get exciting, Sweetheart!"
LEIA: "Captain, getting held by you isn't half as exciting as all the invectives I'd hurl at you if I had just one more CommTech chip!"
HAN (smiling): "Sorry Princess, Hasbro finally made one bright decision!"
Leia: "Didn't we just do this scene?"
Han: "Reculpting ain't like dusting off pegwarmers, sweetheart."
Leia: "What's that?" She points outside the Falcon's cockpit window.
Han: "What was what?"
Leia:"I thought I saw something. Whaaaaa!!!"
A red Target sticker attaches itself to the bubble outside Bespin Escape Leia.
Han: "Oh no! Chewie, c'mon!"
Leia: "Where are you going?"
Han: "I just got one of my best sculpts. I'm not going to let some failing department store's sale ruin the line!" Han runs down the ramp, and onto the detergent aisle floor...
01-25-2002, 10:16 AM
"Just as I thought. . . ." says Han.
"What?" asks Leia, rushing down the ramp behind him.
"Mynock Hunts. Extremely rare 1998 Cinema Scnee. Dumped in large numbers to the Fan Club and sold at their usual scalper rates. I think this detergent aisle is the reason more of them couldn't be found in mint condition."
"You don't mean. . . ?"
"Yes, your Resculptnessness. Damaged boxes, soaked in Tide and not marked down by greedy retailers."
01-25-2002, 12:40 PM
[Guys, we got way out of order here. When Han started toward her in the last scene I wrote, it was the kissing scene. Then it cuts to Vader and the Emperor (which I'll write now so as to not get us too far off the script). Then Luke learns who Yoda is. Then comes the Mynock scene. Actually the bounty hunter scene - which we already did, happens still after this (but let's not do it twice)]
Meanwhile, back at SirStevesGuidetoHoth, Darth Vader sends an executive action e-mail back to website Staff Member Grand Admiral Thrawn's home, but intended for one of Vader's own resculpts (who has hacked Thrawn's computer from his vintage Star Destroyer playset).
Admiral Piett copies the e-mail to his Pocket Padd and takes it to Darth Vader's resculpt serving aboard the Vintage Star Destroyer.
PIETT: "The Emperor commands you to engage your CommTech."
VADER: "Move the ship over by the Reader so we can send a clear transmission!"
The evil resculpt Darth Vader tries to kneel before a flipped down piece of red, translucent plastic and we pretend it is his Master.
VADER [CommTech]: "And now your Highness, we will discuss the location of the hidden Rebel Base."
The visage of Emperor HasbroCrime apears as a massive marketing projection in front of Vader.
HASBROCRIME: "Idiot! Your resculpt found the Rebel Base on SirStevesGuidetoHoth! Why aren't you kneeling before me?"
VADER: "I need another resculpt my Master, or permit me to get my Complete Galaxy set. I could bend at the knees again, and it has a holoprojector, too. It'll just take a minute. They're still pegwarming everywhere..."
HASBROCRIME: "You fool! We don't have time for that! There is a great disturbance in the Market."
VADER: "I have felt it, my Master."
HASBROCRIME: "We have a new enemy: Luke Skywalker."
VADER: "Yes my Master."
HASBROCRIME: "He must not be resculpted as a Jedi!"
VADER: "He's just a pegwarmer. With his CommTech chip he no longer can sell."
HASBROCRIME: "The fans have strong feelings toward him."
VADER: "If he could be resculpted with another useless variation - like a Celebration Exclusive - he could be a powerful ally."
HASBROCRIME (pauses for a moment to consider it): "Yes, yes. He would be another worthless asset for us."
"Can it be done?"
VADER in his most menacing voice:
"He will join us or be resculpted in Tatooine White my Master!"
The scene fades out on the visage of Darth Vader's evil countenence as JOHN WILLIAMS releases another version of the soundtrack:
Duh-dah-duh - doh-duh-dumb-dee-dee-dumb.
01-25-2002, 01:09 PM
During this time, back on the Dagobah playset, R2-D2 is busy trying to look inside the windows in Yoda's tiny hut, while not sinking into the soft spongy stuff that seems to have been put there just to inconvenience a droid.
Yoda is busy moving around his house, trying to find a place for his Council chair, cooking pot, glow lamp, cane, and sweeping up tiny strands of white rooted hair that keep adding to the dust.
LUKE: "I don't understand why we can't go an see Master Yoda now."
YODA: "Patience, for the Jedi it is a boring part of the script as well."
LUKE: "How far away is Yoda?"
YODA: "Not far. No. Soon you will see his resculpt."
"Why wish you learn the ways of the Market."
LUKE: "I guess it's mostly because of my father."
YODA: "Your father. Yes. Major pegwarmer he was. Yes, major pegwarmer."
LUKE: "Oh come on! How could you possibly know about my father? I've never seen you on the racks and we never would have met if I wasn't added to Thrawn's complete collection!"
"I don't know what I'm doing here! We're wasting a lot of plastic!"
YODA - sort of getting mystical and talking to the air, though his head won't look up even if he wanted it to:
"I cannot teach him. The boy has no resale value."
CommTech VOICE OF OBI-WAN KENOBI: "The negotiations were short.....errrr, uh I meant - You will become a Jedi, I promise."
YODA: "A Jedi I may be, but a miracle worker I am not!"
LUKE suddenly realizing: "Yoda!"
The dimunative Jedi Master nods.
Voice of OBI-WAN: "Was I selling any better when you bought me?"
YODA: "You have more movies. Yes. More movies. His are all over and appreciate resculpts he does not?"
LUKE: "But Master Yoda - I can still have a couple resculpts! The fans want a new Luke Jedi. Ben, tell him I'm ready!"
YODA: "What know you of ready? For 3 resculpts I have not outworn my demand! My own packaging variation I will submit as being ready!"
"This one, a long time have I had to see him sit, and watch him I must. More aliens? More droids? Cantina creatures! Podracers? A Jedi craves these not! You need RESCULPTS!"
LUKE: "But Master Yoda, there can still be room for a variety."
"I won't fail the fans! I'm not afraid!"
YODA: "You will be." [very menacingly] "YOU WILL BE!!!"
01-26-2002, 10:17 AM
Meanwhile, back in the detergent aisle...
A kid )whose parents are looking at the newest Kathy Lee Gifford clothes to come in and are ignoring their most precious gift) comes racing into the aisle and sees the toys. He begins to rip open the Cinema Scene to get the "candy bat."
Han: "He'll ruin it forever! Get back into the Falcon!"
Our heroes are shaken back and forth as the kid tries to now chew the tape off.
Threepio: "I'm not even included in this Scene. What will I do?"
Han: "You got the Sale of the Droids, Goldenrod! Now hang on!"
Leia: "The aisle is being cut off with a Wet Floor sign!"
Han: "That's no sign!"
Hurtling towards them is an orange bottle of Surf (or Tide, or Wisk, or Fab) that the kid's brother thinks is "perdy funny, Zeb." Han barely avoids permanent damage to the Falcon's box, and heads away from the cleanser department.
Brother: "Runnin' off inta space, you slug? Ma 'n Pa'll skin you good, Zeb!"
Zeb: "Bla bla spituie! Candy bat! Candy bat!"
01-26-2002, 09:09 PM
Back on the vintage Dagobah playset, R2D2 is trying to maneuver to keep up with Luke and Yoda. The student has changed into his Dagobah fatigues sculpt and donned a backpack within which he is carrying his new Master. Luke's training in the ways of the Market have begun!
YODA: "Yes, a long run! A Jedi will last on the pegs, he will. Many variations help this, it can. Your lightsaber: vary the length first without changing your packaging. Drive the completists nuts, this will. He-hee-heh-heh-hee!"
"But beware of the Dark Side of the Market. If uninteresting you become, clearance you out they will. Like what happened to Obi-Wan's apprentice."
Yoda nods in acknowledgement.
LUKE: "Is the Dark Side of the Market Stronger?"
YODA: "No. Quicker. More exclusionist. Once a Jedi starts selling out, forever must the children search for him at the swap meet."
LUKE: "But what about the kids that want more aliens and droids, even the other Jedi Council Members?"
YODA: "We must say no. Only retail buyers, when they are ignorant, indifferent, or uncaring, will recognize the main characters and decide on them."
"A main character who's a Jedi uses the racks to dominate or gather dust, never just to actually sell."
LUKE: "But why can't I at least get more never-done-before sculpts that collectors will find exciting? And how will I know when to sell before I'm clearance out?"
YODA: "No, no, no! There is no why or how? There is only the will of Hasbro. No more will I teach you today. You must clear your mind of questions. Wanted to explore this playset you did. Opportunity you will have."
LUKE: "There's something not right here. This playset has features, excitement."
YODA: "This playset...is strong - in resale value. From a better era for collectors it is."
LUKE: "Who made it?"
YODA: "Only a company that was defeated by The Market."
Luke pauses and looks around. He asks his Bespin sculpt to lend him a hand. Luke Bespin makes his entrance promptly, but he is still one hand short anyway. So Bespin Luke just sticks his lightsaber hilt into the hole where the stump of his wrist would normally fit, and feels the comfortable weight of his blaster in his only remaining hand.
YODA: "Your weapons: you will not need them."
Luke looks questioningly back at his Master, then looks at his resculpt 'Luke Tatooine with T-!6 Skyhopper, who still sports a red clearance tag and ashamed, refuses any eye contact.' Then Luke Bespin makes the descision not to trust the Jedi Master.
Postitioning the holes in his feet over pegs in the Dagobah playset's action levers, Luke cautiously enters the dark tree cave.
As he adjusts to the darkness closing in all around him, he is just beginning to realize that he's back inside Yoda's hut when the hulking resculpt of Darth Vader in translucent black converges upon him!
01-26-2002, 10:20 PM
The two eye each other up. Vader lifts his lightsaber to swing, but his molded plastic cape restricts his movement. He throws it off, but it bounces off the wall and hits his loose head, turning the helmet backwards.
Luke deflects Vader's flailing saber and tries to turn the helmet around around, but it ends up falling to the ground. As Vader wanders out of the playset and off the table, Luke picks up Vader's helemt with his good hand and walks back out to Flashback Yoda. Yoda looks up at Luke, confused.
Yoda: Take this back into the cave, where you must remove the faceplate.
Luke: What will that do?
Yoda: Reveal to you, the secret, it will.
Luke wanders back into the cave and tries to several hours to remove the faceplate. Finally successful, he finds himself looking at a pale head resculpt of a Tatooine Luke. Luke finally realizes the truth.
01-27-2002, 10:08 PM
Back with the Falcon...
Leia: "Why are they still following us?"
Han: "Probably heard the Mynock Hunt case had Watto's Box in 'em. I'll have to lose them with a Mos Espa Encounter."
TIE Fighters begin to fire pricing beams at the box, in an attempt to lower the $40 tag further. Han moves the Falcon's box to other departments and behind Last Action Hero leftovers. These TIEs know all the tricks.
Han: "I'm gonna try to get closer to the big front diplays."
Leia, Threepio, Chewie: "Closer?!?"
Han finds that demand for Monsters, Inc. toys is low, so he heads there, then makes a quick turn.
Imperial Officer: "Where did they go? No ship that old can diasppear that easily!"
01-27-2002, 10:53 PM
Darth Vader (Removable Helmet) sits and reassembles himself.
Vader: No Admiral Piett, no TESB Emperor...I can see omitting that monkey-face, but I'm supposed to have a droid in this scene. Collectors love droids, and if they didn't want to re-issue another Vader, they could pack Piett in.
Vader walks over to a Vintage Stormtrooper.
Vader: Yes, Admiral?
Stormie: My Lord, I am not an Admiral, I'm...
Vader: Asteroids and pegwarmers do not concern me, Admiral. I want
that ship and not excuses.
Stormie: I...I don't understand, I wasn't meant to...
Vader: And get a customizer in here. I'm sure they can create an Emperor (TESB) that I approve of.
Stormie: Yes, sir, whatever. (runs off)
Vader: Now I know how diorama builders feel. Best movie of the saga, and Hasbro just gives them Maul resculpts...
01-28-2002, 01:47 AM
But back on the Dagobah playset, Luke is making a little more progress.
First he hangs himself upside down from a clamp hook someone molded in brown.
LUKE: "See Master Yoda: with this device I can pretend I have some kind of mystical power and can levitate myself, or stand on only one hand!"
YODA: "Yes. Features. You are feeling the Dark Side of the Market."
Luke hops down and runs past his cargo containers that were included with the playset. Then, by pushing one large rock up and down, Luke can make the cargo containers rise and fall.
LUKE: "See? Real playsets can do all sorts of cool stuff."
YODA: "Irrelevant in the market today, that is."
LUKE: "Oh yeah - watch this!"
He looks around for Artoo.
"Hey Artoo. Come here for a sec would you?"
R2-D2 ties to roll over on his new Naboo Escape wheels. Luke produces a cylindrical prop and turns the droid upside down. But it's no use, R2-D2's third leg can't be pushed in, or removed so Luke can add the plug to work with the playset's levitation feature.
LUKE: "Hey R2, call all your resculpts and let's see what we can do."
Yoda looks on with satisfaction as what could be described as an assembly line of droids start rolling out of his hut:
R2D2 with Retractable Third leg, R2D2 with Datalink and Action Accessories, R2D2 with Launching Lightsaber, R2D2 with F/X Electrionics, and R2D2 with Booster Rockets.
Luke proceeds turning each one of them upside down, looking for any one of them with a big enough hole.
YODA frowns disapprovingly: "Feel the power of the Market. Focus not on the task, but look beyond all that you must. What see you now?"
LUKE [frustrated, throws down the cylinder droid's plug] "We'll never get it in now!"
YODA: "So certain are you? Always with you it cannot be done. Hear you nothing that I say?"
LUKE: "Master, getting cool playsets like in the days of old is one thing - having figures that can actually be used with them is totally different."
YODA: "No! No different! Only different with the wrong priorities. You must learn to feel the Power of the Market."
LUKE: "Okay. I'll give it a try."
Luke begins to consider opening a rare R2D2 with Leia Hologram and eyes the tree-branch levitating device, and then the droid again.
YODA: "No! Try that not! New or worth not! There is no figure that's right."
Luke nods, but still opens the rare R2 figure and turns it upside down, but cries out in disappointment.
He stumbles back to Yoda, exhausted by the exercise, and frustrated by his lack of ability to solve a simple problem in the new line.
LUKE: "I can't. It won't fit right."
YODA: "Legs matter not. Look at me. Have I ever been sculpted right? And though I have not, but my ally is the Resculpt. And a powerful ally it is."
"Greed creates it. Easy recognition of a main character helps. But slick marketing makes retail purchasers buy it. Here, between all these droids: figures of the same character they are. But provide plenty for every kid who wants a hero we say, while dominate the racks as stars we must. Aliens and original never-before-made characters we need not! You must learn to feel the Will of the Market."
LUKE [shocked]: "You want the Resculpts!"
He walks off past the line of 7 different figures of his R2 unit and looks totally downtrodden. It's hard to tell if he's dealing with the secrets of the Market that Yoda has just been teaching him, or the inablitity for his Dagobah figure to stand up.
Meanwhile, F/X R2 warbles in wonder, and Luke begins to hear the sound of a box cutter opening a fresh case of Star Wars figures. He returns only to be staring at himself, or another version of his X-wing Fighter Pilot figure with removeable helmet. This one with a Micro-Machine X-wing and exclusive Star Wars Celebration II packaging. Luke is speechless.
LUKE: "Master.... I was going to go all the way to Indianapolis to collect that? I didn't even need that! "
YODA: "That is why you'll never be satisfied."
01-28-2002, 02:02 AM
Not far away, also at Grand Admiral Thrawn's house, Darth Vader crushes a movie photo of an Arcona Cantina Alien from one of Fantastic Media's last Star Wars Insiders in his iron fist.
DARTH VADER: "Fans' choice Invalidated, Hem Dazon!"
He throws the crumpled paper across the room and signals two Death Star Troopers to go and toss it into recycling.
Admiral Piett stiffens as Vader approaches him.
PIETT: "My Lord, our forces lost track of them in a detergeant display isle. If some collector bought the ship on clearance right now, it could fall into our hands at any number of collections."
VADER: "Let's not take chances. Sell the Fan Club to $calpers by the Coast. Check their wherehouse backstock. Calculate every order with or without shipping and handling, from Denver to Seatlle, adjusting for every possible price point. Don't assume even they can scalp this item."
PIETT: "Yes my Lord. And Fantastic Media - we'll fire them."
VADER: "And don't forget my Resculpt again, Admiral!"
01-28-2002, 02:33 AM
Somewhere in Seattle, Washington, at the headquarters for $calpers by the Coast....
busy little minions who have happily just accepted minimum wage to work at fanboy jobs for the Official Fan Club, are joyfully ripping open the shipping containers that Hasbro's reps back in Wal*mart had packed up all their latest unsold Star Wars merchandize in.
From inside one of the crates, the crew of the Millennium Falcon looks on.
C-3PO: "Captain Solo. This time you have gone too far!"
Chewbacca snarls at him.
C-3PO: "No I will not be quiet Chewbacca! Why doesn't anyone listen to me? Shipping back here with all the unsold Star Wars items will surely lead us right into the hands of all their extra Imperials they scalp on Freeze Frame Slides."
HAN: "Chewie, see if you can see any Card City playsets outside."
C-3PO: "I don't see how that is going to help. Maybe if we surrender the Empire would be gracious enough to release my Sailbarge figure and give you a much needed Hoth Resculpt."
Princess Leia knocks Threepio's removeable head off.
HAN: "Thank you. Now all we gotta do is find Lando."
He gently takes Leia's hands in his own.
LEIA: "Stop that. You'll see my cards and play dirty."
HAN: "I always play dirty. What are you afraid of?"
HAN: "Your cards are showing."
LEIA: "My cards are my secrets."
HAN: "You want to show them to me because you like to gamble."
LEIA: "I'm just a collector. I don't play CCG's."
HAN: "You'd like to play just to have my attention."
LEIA: "I don't want your attention, I....
They kiss, a long passionate kiss and paint is peeled off plastic...
Suddenly, Threepio's head, still rolling around the cockpit floor manages to speak up.
C-3PO: "Sir. Sir! I've managed to contact Lando."
No one notices the Fan Club's stockboys unpacking a crate of back-stocked Slave-One vehicles....
The Faclon's being removed from its cargo pallet and being stacked near all the Fan Club's vehicle merchandize. Several Expanded Universe Cloud Car pilots ask the new ship to identify itself.
HAN: "I don't have a stock number. I'm trying to find Lando Calrissian."
Several plastic missles are fired off the now blunt ends of the orange Bespin airspeeders.
HAN: "Whoa. Let me explain!"
EU CLOUD CAR PILOT: "I deviated from what would have been preferred by the fans."
C-3PO (reassembled now) chimes in: "Rather never wanted weren't they?"
LEIA: "I thought you knew this Lando."
HAN: "He was packaged with Tessek and R2-Q5. An alien and a droid - they were wanted since way back..."
EU CLOUD CAR PILOT: "Since you're all resculpts, you'll be patented. Land yourself a price tag and make sure you're over cost by 3 TO 7."
HAN: "Thank you. See? Nothing to worry about. Eventually we'll get marked way back, Lando and me."
LEIA: "Who's worthless?"
Chewbacca snorts as the crew emerge from the Falcon amongst the boxes and crates in $calpers by the Coast's gigantic wherehouse. They head towards where the action figures are stocked by cases.
In a special edition scene, the camera follows a moth as it angles around the wherehouse, looking for a rare cardback to chew on. At the new Fan Club headquarters, we get to see higher, ridiculous prices that we never would have seen without the improvements in today's economy.
LEIA: "I don't like this."
01-28-2002, 03:16 AM
HAN: "What would you like? We'll all be marked way back down - with free shipping and handling."
Suddenly, the crew spots six POTJ Bespin Security Guards with removeable hats, separately molded vests, billy clubs, security weapons, and handcuffs that all attach or store somewhere on the figures' utility uniforms. There is a ray of hope up ahead as Han sees Lando step through the ranks of his security detail and Han notes his friend's lavishly sewn, cloth cape - with separate inner and outer cloth patterns. Then Lando's reknowned aide Lobot leaps out into a pose from Boogie Nights and Han nearly goes for his blaster out of pure reflex from the shock. Chewie growls.
HAN greets his friend: "Hey!"
LANDO: "Why you pegwarming, not wanted, two-timing Resculpt. You got a lot of guts shipping with army builders like the Bikerscout and Battledroid after how long it takes you to get sold."
Han tries to look innocent and gestures at himself to suggest "who me?"
Lando doesn't need to assume a boxing stance, as without a blaster rifle in his hand for this scene, he looks like he's leading with his left. Han is quick to react, but Lando smoothely moves into a couple's dancing pose since between his arms, and the way the articulation in Han Bespin Capture is set up, that's what they look like they're doing.
Embarrassed in front of the men, Lobot dismisses the security detail, then joins Lando and Han, and dances with them.
LANDO [to Han]: "How ya doing you Over-Price? It would be so good if they sold out of you! And you too Chewbacca! Still pegwarming with this loser?"
Lando notices Leia and switches for his libido's sake to his super-buff, steroid macho-man figure.
LANDO: "Hello. What have we here? I'm Lando Calrissian. Body-builder and gorgeous hunk. I'm the worst bargain in this facility. And who might you be?"
LANDO: "Welcome Leia."
C-3PO: "Hello Sir. I am See-Threepio, shelf-warming Minted Coin figure. I am also worthless in more than six-million variations."
Lando just ignores the droid.
C-3PO: "Well really!"
LANDO: "What are you doing here?"
HAN [points back towards the Falcon]: "No sales. I thought you could help me out."
LANDO: "What have you been doing to devalue my ship?"
HAN: "Your ship? Hey! Remember, it was selling before you were on a card with steroids."
LANDO: "What's wrong with it?"
HAN: "The Market."
LANDO: "I'll get you free shipping and handling. You know that ship was more apprecitated than my first figure quite a few times. It's one of the biggest uses of junky old molds in the whole galaxy."
"Yeah, I remember the vintage days"
HAN: "Seeing you sure brings me back to my first Bespin figure. Who could forget that? It's hard to believe from 1996 to 1997 you were still pegwarming."
LANDO: "Yeah, well my Resculpt is selling a whole lot better. But I've got this one-scene-wonder pre-posing, I'm lacking articulation, my case hasn't seen great distribution, but frustrated fans are paying great secondary market values. It's the price I paid for being successful."
Meanwhile, C-3PO is getting a little lost amongst the action figure cases. He sees a rare TC-14 figure being plucked by a Fan Club employee who will never let the Club provide a figure worth the price of membership.
C:3PO : "Oh. Nice to see they at least made another protocal droid."
Threepio hears a familiar beeping and warbling.
C-3PO: "That sounds like an F/X Artoo. I wonder if..."
He looks around by a case that says 'Episode One, Collection One Assort.'
C-3PO: "Hello? Hello?"
Suddenly, his Removeable Limbs figure is startled and stiffens - shocked.
C-3PO: "Oh my! Gee. I'm totally sorry to disturb you. Oh no. Please don't get up."
An incredibly long, pink tongue lashes out! And it's the last thing C-3PO remembers.
Chewbacca, just around the other side of the Episode One case with the others, remembers the droid and grumbles inquisitively, but ultimately fails to find C-3PO.
Things at $calpers by the Coast do not seem to be what they first had appeared to be...
Meanwhile, Luke is still at Grand Admiral Thrawn's house, on the Dagobah playset, holding himself upside down with one hand, studying the line of 7 R2-D2 Resculpts, as Master Yoda continues his instruction in the ways of The Market....
01-31-2002, 02:17 AM
Luke is hanging upside down, standing on one hand, and reading the latest issue of Tomart's price guide with 7 R2D2 resculpts surrounding him.
YODA: "Yes. Good. Now the droids. See their importance. Feel their influence on the Market."
LUKE: "Cases including R2 with Holo Leia were dumped out for clearance sales. I can see their prices dropping."
YODA: "Yes, but feel the joy of collectors who needed to find this droid. Read the price drop for the droid differently you will."
"Through forecasting the Market, things you will see. The future, the resculpts...main characters like Jedi controlling the toy isles."
Luke falls out of his handstand, rips his Tomart's magazine by accident, and knocks down a few of his R2 figures. The F/X one starts warbling complaints and the Naboo one is clicking its head as if saying "No- no!"
YODA: "Control! Control! You must learn how to control the slection and distribution!"
LUKE: "I saw a wherehouse by the coast."
YODA: "Friends you have there."
LUKE: "They were over-priced!"
YODA: "It is the Fan Club that you see."
LUKE: "The Fan Club?"
"Will they get decent prices?"
YODA: "Difficult to see. Always in motion is the Market. Decide you must which prices serve them best. If they are marked down, help them sell out it could, but it will destroy many a chance for a kid to enjoy the main characters' appeal and importance."
Luke nods, beginning to understand, but still not sure about whether he would agree with the Jedi Master...
Back at $calpers by the Coast, Princess Leia in Bespin Gown is pacing around the Leia Collection figures' case. She was only just updated by her Hoth resculpt from a Mynock Hunt as to the recent state of affairs with the Rebellion. Han Bepsin # 2 joins her on her blister card.
HAN: "Two or four hundred more cases of these, and we'll finally sell out of all this junk."
LEIA: "Well something is wrong. I could have had a molded, carded Bespin Gown figure a while ago, but you had to have that dumb stormtrooper belt, didn't you? Meanwhile there still isn't any really qualified Cloud Car Pilot figures. If there were, we wouldn't have had those EU prototypes without the benefit of in-the-movie training shoot at us when we first arrived here! And no one has seen or heard anything about Threepio. He hasn't had a new figure since 1999 and he's about due to star in a new movie."
HAN: "Relax. I'll talk to Lando and see if we can get a hold of his Episode 2 sculpt."
LEIA: "I don't trust Lando and my droid will wind up on E-bay."
HAN: "Well I don't trust him either, but he is a Scalper."
"Besides, we'll soon be clearanced out of here."
LEIA [clearly sad]: "And then you're about out of resculpts."
Han looks down, realizing how much he doesn't want to leave the new collections and never see her again. All of a sudden, the future doesn't look so bright any more.
He thinks, "But it has to be that way. It's what's best for me, and what's best for her Rebellion..." Han sighs, clearly sad himself.
02-06-2002, 01:28 PM
During this time, Chewbacca has been checking out the case assortments in the $calpers by the Coast warehouse. He is miffed by the fact that in 1998, Hasbro saw fit to include 2 smaller figures on a card for a great value in the pack with the Ugnaughts. Finally he finds some stuff from Collection One in a badly damaged case with postage from Denver.
Chewie returns to where they keep the Leia Collection figures in backstock and enters the case Han and the Princess are staying in with C-3PO in pieces, his parts crammed into a netted pack the Wookiee is wearing over his shoulder.
LEIA: "What happened?"
CHEWBACCA [translated]: [Don't look at me! His card got ruined when they shipped him up here from Denver after the Fan Club got sold. The card was wet, I got hungry, and the soggy paper just looked "Chewie" to me. Can't help it, Princess. It's in my nature.]
HAN: "You ate his cardback?"
LEIA: "Nevermind. Chewie, did you save his Freeze Frame?"
HAN: "Yeah, Lando could sell it."
LEIA: "Like he sells 1999 expired Convention Passes with a Collector Case?"
Just then Lando cautiously enters the Leia Collection case.
LANDO [sees Princess Leia and poses with his manly-muscles for her]: "You look absolutely beautiful. You truly would look great in a string bikini. Would you join me in a Jabba's Palace diorama? I promise you'll see a really Big Gun."
Han rolls his eyes and takes the Princess by the hand. Chewie barks a question.
LANDO: "Everyone's invited of course."
[He notices C-3PO, loose and in pieces on the floor.]
"Can I have the Freeze Frame that came with your Droid?"
HAN: "Uh, no. It's discontinued. Why?"
Lando shrugs and the group makes their way out for a walk about the Fan Club's assorted cases.
We pick up the conversation as it continues down the isle.
LANDO: "Yeah, were a pathetic operation and our customers will pay our prices whenever our parent company messes up new product distribution."
LEIA: "Then you're part of the whole price-gouging conspiracy as well as the Resculpt over-saturation?"
LANDO: "No, we don't actually get to make many of our own decisions."
HAN: "Aren't you afraid Hasbro is going to cut costs in this little operation and move you back to Rhode Island?"
LANDO: "It's always been a danger, but we're aleady as mismanaged as much as we can possibly get."
"I've just been part of a deal that will keep Hasbro out of profitting here forever."
The Four-some reach the customizable card game cartons and suddenly stop short!
IT'S DARTH VADER! He's caught them!
Han immediately draws out his Decipher Deck and throws down his best hand at the Dark Side! But Vader doesn't defend - he merely thows "Buy One - Get One FREE!" stickers at all of Han's best hand!
Then the Dark Lord reveals $calpers by the Coast's brand new Custmizeable Card Game and plays his own hand. Boba Fett steps out from behind him and reveals the complete Bounty Hunter set.
VADER: "We would be honored if you would play with us."
Suddenly our heroes are surrounded by CommTech Stormtroopers left over from the R2D2 with Leia Holo Cases!
Lobot arrives and backs up Lando.
LANDO: "I'm sorry. We got a lot of their case in right before you showed up."
HAN [looks at Leia and Chewbacca for support, then glares at Lando...] "I'm sorry, too!"
02-06-2002, 02:02 PM
Meanwhile, back at collector Grand Admiral Thrawn's house, a lot of his collection is being packed up to go on display at the Alpha Con convention. Luke in his X-wing gear is getting ready to attend.
YODA: "Luke, you must complete the training!"
LUKE: "I can't keep all of my serious complaints with Hasbro just trapped inside my head!"
YODA: "You must NOT go!"
LUKE: "But all the characters from the Cantina Aliens and Jabba's Palace to the Galactic Senate will never get done if Han and Leia keep getting resculpted!"
BEN KENOBI [appears in blue]: "You don't know that."
"Even Yoda cannot forsee how long they'll pegwarm."
LUKE: "I've got to help them. I've got a feel for the Market now."
BEN: "But you cannot control it! This is a dangerous time for you when you will be tempted to appeal to the collectors."
YODA: "Yes, yes. To Obi-Wan you listen. The Cave: remember your Tatooine Luke's face on the figure at the Cave?"
LUKE: "But I didn't even have one action figure in 2000, and I've gained back so much respect with that Bacta Tank figure since then."
"Look, I promise I'll come back and consider your training. Just give me back my Bespin figure's hand."
BEN: "It is you and your pegwarming ability that Hasbro is interested in. That is why your friends are made to shelf-warm."
LUKE: "That's why I've got to help the collectors get more aliens and droids."
BEN: "Luke, I want you to learn to be a good marketing device for Hasbro's Empire, the way it works for Vader."
LUKE: "I won't."
YODA: "Stopped you must be. Only main characters with the Power of the Jedi sit and gather dust long enough for kids and parents to decide to buy them."
"If you leave now, help your friends get Fan Choice Figures you could, but with the retail buyers who make the largest purchasing decisions, they will become...unrecognizeable."
LUKE: "And sacrafice Herme and J'Quille?"
YODA: "If you honor what the Jedi stand for, YES!"
BEN: "If you choose to face Vader alone, I cannot interfere."
LUKE: "Give me back my Bespin Luke figure's hand."
Yoda sighs and tosses it back to him.
"R2 - we're going to the Fan Club Sale at the Alpha Con Convention."
BEN: "Luke - don't give in to the Collectors and this equal representation for aliens and droids thing. That leads to the Dark Side of the Market."
YODA: "Mind what you have not yet learned. Save you it can!"
LUKE: "I won't. I'm a Rebel, I promise!"
Thrawn picks up his X-wing fighter with Luke and R2 aboard, and packs it for Omaha. It disappears in a suit case, as Yoda and the Spirit of Obi-Wan watch.
YODA: "Told you I did. More Tatooine Luke resculpts we need."
BEN: "That move is our last resort."
YODA: "No. There is something worse."
02-08-2002, 04:34 AM
Meanwhile at Card City at $calpers by the Coast, Chewbacca is being tortured!
He's resculpted in a pose where he can either only have his hands behind his head, or look like he's giving himself a home pregnancy test!
02-08-2002, 04:18 PM
Finally, Chewie gets his 1995 sculpt returned to him, as well as the net sack containing Threepio's parts.
Chewie fumbles around with the pieces and sees if he can stick Threepio's head in his leg socket. He is successful!
Threepio starts to come back to life....
C-3PO: "That sounds like an F/X Artoo. I wonder if I'm talking out of my...."
Chewie makes a few more repairs.
C-3PO: "Hello? Hello?"
Suddenly, his Removeable Limbs figure is startled and stiffens - shocked.
C-3PO: "Oh my! Gee. I'm totally sorry to disturb you. Oh no. Please don't get up."
"JarJar here? We're in danger! I must tell the others! Oh-no! He gave me the tongue!"
Han Solo Bespin Capture is bound is brought handcuffed, then bound at his arms, and dragged before Darth Vader!
The Dark Lord gives Solo all of his attention as he is thrown into a repacked case with tons of extra figures of one particular Gungan!
Solo starts to see orange and then lets out a blood-curdling scream!
Vader signals his stormtrooper guards to attend to Solo, then steps out only to be immediately set upon by Lando Calrissian and Boba Fett.
FETT: "It's no good for me if he's resculpted!"
VADER: "He will not permanently have that many more resculpt options."
LANDO: What about the Princess and the Wookiee?"
VADER: "They must be given completely useless poses."
LANDO: "That was never a condition of our agreement, nor was giving a special deluxe resculpt to this bounty hunter!"
VADER: "Perhaps you think you need an unseen, new likeness?"
VADER: "Good, it would be unfortunate if I were to learn they released even the most pathetic figure of you in the uniform of the Rebel Alliance!"
Vader disappears, heading over to where $calpers of the Coast stock their Star Wars playsets.
LANDO [cleches his fist as Vader leaves]: "My lack for a new version of my character is getting worse all the time!"
Calrissian stalks off in one direction, Boba Fett in the other.
Threepio is almost assembled. But Chewie just doesn't have it quite right.
THREPPIO: "Oh yes. That's much better."
"No wait. Somethings not right because now my legs are attached above my head!"
"Oh no! What have you done?!!"
"I'm totally "F'd!"
"Only a stunted and steroid-stupered Sasquatch figure with too many useless resculpts like you would be cruel enough to..."
Chewie breaks him down into separate pieces again, just as Stormtroopers approach the packing carton they're in and dump a roughed up Leia Collection Han onto the floor beside him.
The troopers leave for the time being.
HAN: "I've never been made to look this terrible."
Chewie lists his first POTF2 figure, his Hoth figure, his Deluxe Figure, his Stormtrooper belt figure...
HAN [dryly]: "Thanks."
Two more Stormtroopers approach and dump Leia Bespin Escape in with them.
Chewie grunts a greeting to her, so Han who didn't get back up, would know who was visiting him.
LEIA: "Why are they doing this?"
HAN: "They never even asked me if I would prefer a figure from the Ceremony Scene or the Hoth figure resculpted."
Lando and two twin brother Bespin Security Guards momentarily approach.
Chewie roars "betrayer!"
HAN: "Get out of here, Lando."
LANDO: "Shut up and listen!"
"Vader's agreed to turn Leia and Chewie over to me as long as I keep them so overstocked that nobody will buy them..."
HAN: "Over to your stock?"
LEIA: "What about Han?"
LANDO: "Vader's discontinuing him and giving a Deluxe Figure to that Bounty Hunter."
LEIA: "Vader wants us all in line."
LANDO: "He doesn't care if you pegwarm or not. He's after somebody called Skywalker."
LANDO: "Vader's planned a resculpt for him."
LEIA: "And we're just stuck in with the trash from old cases?"
HAN: "Perfect. You fixed us all pretty good, didn't you?"
Han leaps up and punches Lando, but the Ninja-Twins whack Han with their billy-clubs. As Chewbacca is quick to leap up, they draw their blasters!
"I'm sorry I couldn't do better, but I got my own problems."
HAN: "Yeah, you still need a good resculpt, don't you?"
Lando hesitates just for a moment, then stalks out with his guards.
LEIA: "You've certainly seen people overrate his new figure, haven't you?"
The scene cuts to Darth Vader in the $calpers warehouse examining the boxes of the exclusive Carbon Freezing Chamber playset, as he contemplates his trap for Skywalker...
02-08-2002, 05:25 PM
VADER: "This playset is crude. There are no lights or sounds, and the nylon doesn't exactly "do it" for me. But it should be adequate to freeze Skywalker for his journey back to Hasbro."
IMPERIAL OFFICER: "Sir: Ship approaching, X-wing found in someone's lost luggage."
VADER: "Good. Monitor the airlines and see which one the collector Grand Admiral Thrawn files a lost luggage complaint with."
LANDO: "Lord Vader, we haven't tested this facility for playability. You market it for Hasbro and it might flop big time!"
VADER: "I do not want the pride Hasbro takes for making great Star Wars playsets...damaged. We will play with it first - and have some fun with Captain Solo."
Lando is shoved out of the way as the Empire enforces their iron control over his house of cards, which is folding.
Meanwhile, at baggage claim in Seattle's airport, Grand Admiral Thrawn is calling long distance from Omaha and really laying into those bungling fools that supposedly were hired because they were capable of handling lost luggage.
As this carries on, Luke unzips a suitcase and he and R2 lift off in their X-wing and begin to set an angle for $calpers by the Coast. Star Wars fans in Seattle are abundant, and the two will have no trouble hitching a tow for their X-wing to get them to Card City.
A dark, imposing rendition of Darth Vader's theme is played by John Williams, as our heros are each led up the elevator on the carbon freezing playset. This takes more than 5 minutes because they keep falling off. Stormtroopers guard them up, while Boba Fett supervises.
Ugnaughts scurry about the detached control panel, and in a special edition scene, the unattached control panel prop scurries around the Ugnaughts and they try to catch it. It was actually Hasbro that thought this would be cute - not George Lucas.
Han has got a new sculpt - well actually an old sculpt - his "In Carbonite Block" figure, which the binders do not fit on. A CommTech trooper is assigned to constantly be picking them up. The Princess in Bespin Escape Outfit follows, and next comes Chewbacca's 1995 figure with C-3PO somewhat assembled right, and strapped to his back. Lando joins them as Vader arrives!
HAN [sarcastically]: "What's going on, Buddy?"
LANDO: "They want to test this stupid playset and see if any of your resculpts will actually fit in the carbonite."
Boba Fett approaches Darth Vader.
FETT: "What if this isn't fun for kids? And he has 16 sculpts already - what about me?"
VADER: "Hasbro will still get you over 5."
"Put him in!"
Chewbacca howls in rage and tosses about the only 2 stormtroopers that can fit with them on this playset, over the side.
One UGNAUGHT says to the other one: "It just be raining white people in the City that never Cheats!"
Fett tries to twist and turn to shoot Chewbacca, but even with all the articulation they gave his new Deluxe Figure, he still can't be posed but shooting in the opposite direction....
Since there's no one else who can fit on the playset and do this (well the stormtroopers are now busy taking another 5 minutes to get up the elevator), Darth Vader has to personally come over with his Masters of the Dark Side 2-pack figure that towers over poor Chewbacca. He gets the Wookiee in his Death Star Escape 3-pack restraints.
Chewie wants to resist. He's angry, not afraid!
HAN: "Stop Chewie! Stop!"
"You already got resculpted! Hey! Listen to me! The Princess: you gotta look after the Princess."
"You hear me?"
Vader gets the cuffs on Chewbacca because he understands the Power of the Jedi.
Leia trembles in fear, or because her hyper-short Bespin Escape figure doesn't stand nearly as well as her Hoth figure did.
HAN looks sadly at his friend: "There will be another time. OK?"
He looks at the Princess and suddenly all the emotions brought about by everything they've been through gets forced to the surface.
They kiss and then Vader grabs Han and throws him onto the carbonite chamber's main loading platform. The Ugnaughts work but the Ugnaughts work in vain to try and get Han carbonite's feet in any position other than that wide stance of his that prevents him from fitting correctly into the foot binders in order to be lowered down and get "frozen."
Frustrated, they begin ripping open other Han Solo figures off their blister cards, trying to find one figure that fits! Each rejected alternate has to be separated from the Princess by Vader, who is just getting sick of every Solo resculpt rushing over to her side to re-rehearse the kissing scene.
Finally, a variation is found: Han Solo in Carbonite Freezing Chamber.
C-3PO struggles to see what is going on:
"Oh, they've found a zero-zero cardback! He should be quite valuable if he's C-10 that is."
Leia and Chewie are shocked! They don't have a figure this valuable.
VADER: "Well, Calrissian?"
LANDO approaches the Han-less-common:
VADER: "A totally new design is all yours, Bounty Hunter."
Boba Fett respectfully bows.
VADER: "Reset the chamber for Skywalker!"
IMPERIAL OFFICER [has to shout from down below] : "Skywalker's just landed My Lord!"
02-08-2002, 06:48 PM
Luke is walking around the back stock room, wondering why no SW figures are there. R2 is following, in his F/X version.
Luke (Thinking to himself): "Hmm, Star Wars was always a scalper's dream. Why aren't there cases of any figures?"
Luke hears a sound and ducks behind some soccer LEGO boxes. New Imperial Officers take Boushh Chewie and Bespin Escape Leia away, followed by Boba Fett, with Han Solo in Carbonite Freezing Chamber in a StarCases holder and the Carbon Freezing Chamber Bespin Guard and POTJ one follow behind. Luke accidently presses a WWF stuffed figure trying to hide.
"Hey! I'm gonna open up a can of whoop a** on you, you..."
Fett shoots his huge backpack missle at Luke, hitting a young stock person in the eye.
Leia: "Luke! Luke, it's a trick! The .00 are just a trick!"
The Officer pulls Leia away.
Luke is too late, as all have been sent to the pegs. A side panel opens...
02-08-2002, 11:00 PM
Luke is cut off from R2D2 as he is whisked up the elevator on the Carbon Freezing Playset, and the platform is too small even if Artoo wanted to follow him up.
Luke senses a disturbance in The Market. He chooses his weapon, opting for his Bespin outfit, he replaces his hand that Yoda gave him back, puts down his blaster, and comes up with his shining blue lightsaber ignited!
Suddenly, a tingling sensation from the back of his card causes him to turn around - and standing there is none other than Darth Vader!
VADER: "The Market is strong for you. But you are not Pegwarming yet!"
Luke closes the distance between them, as Vader energizes his blood red, Power F/X lightsaber. The two combatants circle each other!
Luke attacks! Using only one hand, mostly because the Dark Lord barely has any figures that can double-handle a lightsaber, Vader drives Luke back and knocks him partially down the stairs!
Luke counter assaults and leaps back up on the attack again! Vader's reparte gets more intense as he slashes off the dumb plastic missle-firing cannon that rests on top of the playset!
Meanwhile, the Imperial Officers, Stormtroopers, and their captives, escorted by Lando, round a corner by a hidden recent POTJ Assortment case and they are suddenly surrounded by Bespin Guards and a fair amount of Ketwols that shipped in that case. They disarm the Imperial Guards and free Princess Leia!
Lobot arrives and strikes a disco-dancing pose. The Ketwol figures are noticably excited!
LANDO [to his guards and the Ketwols]: "Well done! Hold the CommTech Stormtroopers in backstock until the demand goes up, then we'll scalp them in a 4-pack or something. And please Keep Your Pants On! Ok - move!"
Lando begins to work on removing Chewbacca's chain, but opts to take his wrist restraints off Chewie's Death Star Escape 3-pack figure.
Chewie is also in a perfect pose to just throttle Lando, grabbing him by the neck!
LEIA [angry and directed to Lando]: "What do you think you're doing?"
LANDO: "We're getting out of here!"
C-3PO (on Chewie's back): "I knew it all along - Hasbro had to make another mistake!"
LEIA: "Do you think that after what you did to Han that we're going to trust you?"
LANDO: "Gasp! Choke! Just trying to help!"
Chewie tightens his grip!
LEIA: "We don't need any help!"
C-3PO: "It sounds like 'Ha!'"
LANDO: "I said 'Ha!' to your not needing any help. All you've got is nearly a dozen resculpts and at least that many characters left to get done from Jabba's Palace alone! Meanwhile, there's still a chance to do something interesting with Han. Here at the Fan Club!"
LEIA [noticably seems to come to a new realization]: "Chewie!"
She turns and runs off towards the boxes vehicle stock piles, and the Wookiee quickly follows.
C-3PO [calls out after Lando]: "I'm terribly sorry! After all Chewbacca only has half-a-dozen resculpts..."
But Boba Fett has come up with something new for Han - an undersized carbonite block that comes included with his starship.
Outside of Slave-One, Fett instructs the Bespin Guards.
FETT: "Put this version of Captain Solo on the floor of the cargo hold. I have this need to walk on top of him if I'm going to have to try again to get that darn flight seat to work without breaking it."
But as Leia, Chewie, and Lando rush through Card City's warehouse they spot R2D2 with Leia Hologram!
Chewie roars and they snatch him up.
C-3PO (on Chewie's back): "Artoo! Artoo! Where have you been? We've been hoping to collect you but the Fan Club always says you're out of stock!"
R2 whistles something and THREEPIO retorts: "Well at least your price didn't fall out from under you! Look what happened to every version of me!"
Suddenly they approach an empty vehicle pallet and Chewie roars in defiance as a stockboy wraps up the last old version of Slave-One and sends it to ship out. The inventory-out-of-control team has one of its cronies mark the Jawa Trader's picture of Slave-One as "sold out!"
C-3PO: "Then why bother to even put it in the magazine? Oh- no! Chewie! They're behind you!"
CommTech Stormtroopers and Regular Ones are converging on the group!
Leia and Chewbacca return fire!
LANDO: "This way!"
Back to the lightsaber battle, Darth Vader has knocked Luke down the stairs again and apparently Luke lost his grip on his lightsaber which goes spinning out of his hand.
Vader closes in on him, driving Luke to the edge of the carbon freezing pit, which is left in the down position.
VADER: "Your destiny is pegwarming with me Skywalker! Obi-Wan knew this to be true!"
Vader Force-pushes him over the edge and Luke falls into the Carbon Freezing Pit. But the only way you can recreate this, doesn't allow you to close the lid on the nylon freezing container.
VADER: "All too pathetic. Perhaps the Emperor cannot design a perfectly useful playset."
Luke climbs back out of the pit and calls his lightsaber back into his hand (without using any magnets!)
VADER [hesitantly nodding his head in agreement about the playset]: "Unimpressive. Most unimpressive."
He turns to Luke.
"Obi-Wan has underestimated you fairly well. You have controlled your feelings and are not too easily satisfied."
"Now bring me those darn fan e-mails I lost in the last movie, and I'll buy you off with a playset that you WILL like!"
LUKE: "I find you just Full of empty promises!"
He flips over the Dark Lord's head and drives Vader back with an
Something orange moves behind Luke, just out of view.
Vader motions to it and suddenly JarJar leaps out onto Luke from behind!
JARJAR CRAP: "Meesa Back!"
Luke twists and throws the Gungan over his shoulder and comes around with his lightsaber and slashes him across his cardback!
But Vader calls upon the full Failure of the Market and motions all its fury at young Skywalker. From the left - and then from the right - Luke is bombarded with Episode One JarJars!
Finally he is knocked down, almost defeated!
Vader has him cornered!
02-08-2002, 11:38 PM
Meanwhile, Lando has led the Rebel Group to the where the Fan Club controls their website. He logs on and alters the homepage.
LANDO: "Attention Collectors! Attention Collectors! Hasbro has lost a lot of money so we're clearing out our inventory - no charge for shipping and handling."
The Rebels fight their way back to the Millennium Falcon, hiding R2 with Leia Holo behind a smokescreen of innocense, telling people the Fan Club never had any.
Lando takes Chewie's blaster and covers the others' escape, defending the ship from a platoon of Stormtroopers as Chewie gets some batteries in the ship, and warms her up.
LANDO: "Leia! Go!"
He covers the Princess as she rushes aboard the Falcon, and Lando quickly follows her up the boarding ramp. The ship takes off and climbs for safety, avoiding the birds that crap on mint figure packaging from the warehouse rafters.
R2D2 has switched sculpts for his Datalink arm version, and is dragging Threepio across the floor, still half-assembled in Chewie's net backpack.
C-3PO: "I thought that hairy beast would live to have more sculpts than me! Of course I should've known better!"
The Falcon has made it to temporary safety...
But Luke Skywalker has not!
VADER: "You are beaten! It is useless to resist. Don't make me resculpt your Tatooine figure!"
The Dark Lord touched a sensitive nerve for Luke's anger, and the young Rebel counter-attacks yet again!
Vader switches for his Flashback resculpt and brings power back to his assaults with a double-grip on his lightsaber!
He suddenly pivots and grabs for Luke's removeable hand. With one good pull from the Super-Buff dude, Luke is really disarmed!
VADER: "Luke. You do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to experience your shelf-warming power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined over-production we can stagnate the line and end this constant debate about more aliens, but instead bring Unoriginality to the Galaxy."
LUKE: "I'll never join you!"
VADER: "If only you knew the Power of the Market. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father..."
LUKE: "He told me enough. He told me he once was a rare figure with a longsaber but he got resculpted and became a pegwarmer."
VADER: "That's the truth - but there's more: Luke, I am your father!"
LUKE: "No! That's not true! They can't still be secretly making more Anakin Skywalkers!"
VADER: "But wait - it gets even better!"
JarJar Crap steps out of the shadows and stands at Vader's side, his tongue flopping out almost the entire body-length of the figure!
VADER: "Luke, my mother had never told me the truth about my father. Even I hadn't foreseen this. Join me, and together we can dominate the racks of every retailer - as one big and really annoying, happy family!"
"Luke, come with me. It is the only way."
Luke knows it must be a trick. He would rather die sacraficing himself, than be related to JarJar Crap. He gives Vader the most curious smile, then lets himself fall off the cargo pallet yelling in defiance all the way down.
02-13-2002, 03:17 AM
On his way down to the floor, Luke knocks over a stocker's bottle of Pepsi and he falls in the sticky juice. Birds that are trapped in the wherehouse start swooping down and pecking at him.
LUKE: "Birds...Oh please. No birds..."
Suddenly he seems to sense a new hope.
LUKE: "Leia. Bring bird seed, Leia..."
On board the Millennium Falcon speeding towards the Fire Escape, Leia suddenly seems to react to the sense or familiar presence of Luke. He's in distress!
"We have to go back!"
Chewie growls in confusion.
LEIA: "Chewie just do it."
Chewie roars "Shut-up! Enough from you already!"
LANDO: "Alright! Alright! Alright!"
The Falcon spins around and makes a rapid descent back towards the wherehouse floor.
Meanwhile, Darth Vader has rejoined the Imperial Officer and a contingient of Stormtroopers. Since this is the Special Edition, he says:
DARTH VADER: "Alert the stockboys to prepare for a price drop!"
The Falcon makes its way through the small flock of birds.
LANDO: "Look, someone's getting crapped on!"
LEIA: "It's Luke."
"Chewie get in just above him! Lando, open the landing ramp!"
"OK, it'd be nice to have windshield wipers, Chewie..."
Suddenly a case of 4 TIE Fighters is found and the Empire's attack dogs are ready to pounce!
The Falcon is rattled under the bombardment of the birds, but the electronic sound effects keep them at bay while Lando pulls in Luke.
He hits the Comm.
LANDO: "Alright let's go"
The Falcon veers off towards the fire escape.
Leia rushes to hold Luke in her arms.
LUKE: "Oh Leia!"
LEIA: "You need a shower."
"I'll be back."
She heads over to where Lando is manning the gunner seat, because no one else can fit in the cockpit when Chewbacca is flying. Leia gets to the computers and checks the internet; more specifically, the Fan Club's website.
LEIA: "Online bid. Someone's trying to add us to their virtual shopping cart!"
The TIE Fighters fire rapidly trying to keep the Falcon from reaching the fire escape exit.
Back by the Galactic assortment case, Vader is questioning Admiral Piett.
VADER: "Did your men make sure our membership was up to date with the Fan Club?"
PIETT: "Yes my Lord."
VADER: "Good, then proceed to the secure server checkout, and apply your gift certificate."
But why would the $calpers by the Coast stockboy think that his action figures are talking to him, and to take that one step further - how can a six foot tall handy man hear a 3 3/4 inch action figure yelling at him from ankle level?
02-23-2002, 07:24 PM
The Millennium Falcon continues on its wild but evasive attempt at flight away from Card City.
Chewie reacts fast and the ship makes a quick evasive corkscrew before the $calpers by the Coast's minimum-wage employee ever notices that so much of his backstock is flying around the warehouse. The TIE Fighters pour on more fire!
LANDO: "Everyone ready for lightspeed?"
LEIA: "If your people confused the heck out of the Empire's Fans trying to renew their memberships!"
LANDO: "Hold on!"
Nothing happens and the Falcon barely avoids getting hit by more fire from the TIE Fighters hanging tightly on its tail!
LANDO: "They told me they picked up new batteries!"
"It's not my fault!"
Leia rolls her eyes and then glares bullets towards Lando.
LANDO: "It's not my fault!"
Chewbacca roars and has to climb out of the cockpit and hang on for dear-resale-value to the pilotless, spinning ship as he, Lando, and Bespin Escape Leia have to crawl across the top of the ship to trade places at the helm and by the battery compartment.
The TIE Fighters are gaining on the Falcon during this maneuver to further complicate matters!
Lando and Leia reach the helm and the ship stablizes, but Chewbacca is still in a precarious position outside the ship and he has just lost his arc welder tool!
On a low pass towards one of the vehicle pallets, Chewbacca positions himself to make a desperate grab for the Falcon's original packaging and snag it with his huge claws!
Back at the Galactic Assortment case-base, Vader stands watching the flight of the Millennium Falcon and the progress of his TIE Fighters to ground it.
Suddenly he senses Luke's presence in the Market.
VADER: "Son. Pegwarm with Me."
LUKE [reaches out to the depths of the Market, beyond the space immediately around him] : "Ben, why didn't you tell me?"
Chewbacca gets his one and only chance to grap the Falcon's original packaging and....SNAG! He gets it! Chewie holds on with all his tremendous strength, locking his legs behind the radar dish installation. He's in terrible danger of getting shook off as the Falcon is still engaged in unbelievable evasive maneuvers!
C-3PO doesn't have the capacity to appreciate him.
THREEPIO: "Noisy brute! Why didn't we just go into lightspeed?"
Artoo warbles something to him.
THREEPIO: "Because we can't? How would you know the Empire didn't include batteries with this vehicle?"
THREEPIO: "Well what would you know about 'Try Me' packaging? Artoo-Deeto, you know better than to think Hasbro had caught onto that trend at the time they were actively producing this old ship!"
Artoo retorts some invective and then immediately leaves Threepio who he'd been reassembling, and heads directly to the Falcon's main engineering computer. From there he logs on to the world-wide-web as fast as a little droid with a datalink can go!
Luke catches a glimpse of the Galactic Assortment Cases through the crack in the floor caused by the Falcon's boarding ramp's inability to totally close right.
LUKE: "It's Vader."
DARTH VADER: "Luke, pegwarm with me. It is your destiny."
In the Galactic Assortment case, Admiral Piett issues orders to his officers.
PIETT: "Ready to proceed to the Checkout Screen. Add in our membership gift certiticate code and check the box for free shipping & handling."
THREEPIO: "Artoo! Come back at once! You're just as useless to this plot as me!"
But Artoo has uncovered crucial information that will ultimately foil the Empire!
Their membership expired and all they did by mailing in the little white card that came with their last Fan Club Magazine was renew their subscription to the Insider.
That doesn't make them a member!
They don't have a valid user ID or a gift certificate code!
THREEPIO: "Artoo - stop having delusions of grandeur and come back and fix me this instant!"
But suddenly Threepio is thrown back against the far inside-wall of the ship as Chewbacca tumbles inside, just as the stockboy grabs the ship and re-seals its packaging and processes an order by the scalper working for Amok Time!
Right before Vader's eyes, the Falcon disappears from $calpers by the Coast to be sold at even higher prices, heck-knows-where!
All the Imperial Officers and Admiral Piett cringe as a unbelieving Vader stalks by them to go and sulk about this change to his plans and the cancellation of his Bespin Capture resculpt from shipping as his 3rd action figure in the Power of the Jedi line.
02-24-2002, 02:21 PM
At Amok Time's back stockroom (scalpers incorporated), Luke Bacta is hanging out in his whitey-tighties with Ceremony Leia who's not giving him a medal for his articulation. 21-B is busy sending his last letter off to the Fan Club, explaining how in his professional opinion, he is still better than FX-7.
Lando has got this interesting 'new' outfit on like he's answering the casting call for 'Gladiator.' Chewbacca is standing beside him.
They've discovered that Amok Time scalps their merchandize they can't sell or that isn't mint by auctioning it online.
Lando notes that the Falcon's auction is posting.
LANDO: "All set here."
"Luke we'll contact you when we can see more figures from Jabba's Palace and make the offer to that bounty hunter. "
LUKE: "I'll meet you at the featured items pages on E-bay."
LANDO: "Princess, we'll find a good Han. I promise."
Leia softly smiles.
Chewie grumbles something suggesting a pleasantry.
LUKE: "Take care, you two."
"And may the Collectors be pleased with you."
In a flash, the Falcon is listed on E-bay, as Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, C-3PO, and R2-D2 look on.
TO BE CONTINUED IN A NEW THREAD!
Return of the Resculpts
ARRIVING IN FORUMS TODAY!
02-24-2002, 02:45 PM
Well guys, how did I do?
I finsihed The Resculpt Strikes Back just about all by myself, and while a lot of you are subscribed, I saw less and less of you posting until I finished the story all on my own.
That might be a compliment, I'm not sure. I can't tell who is reading this or not.
While yeah, I do have a plot outline for the Scripts through "Return of the Resculpts" and ideas tentatively forming for "Resculpts of the Clones," I wasn't sure how to interpret the rest of you backing away from contributing to the evolution of this story.
I was nervous at the reaction I'd get for making JarJar Crap revealed to be Anakin / Vader's Father, but so far I haven't heard anything.
I saw it as a natural evolution of JarJar being an action figure that pegwarmed for all time!
Now the plot is evolving much the way I had anticipated it though:
The Jedi as well as Hasbro's Empire are acting in collusion to promote resculpts and pegwarming of the main characters, while the Rebels are still fighting for more aliens, droids, and obscure characters.
Luke has learned that even Obi-Wan and Yoda, satisfied with thier deal they made with the Sith in "The Resculpt Menace," are - in a twist - Luke's enemies, who are trying to corrupt him!
Jabba the Hutt and Boba Fett, in another twist, are set up to become allies of the good guys in this struggle for the fans to get more products they really want out of Hasbro.
Unfortunately, I don't know how the story is going to evolve over the Script of the 5th movie, "Episode Two - Resculpts of the Clones!" I think with some of the trends towards negative consumer reactions towards Hasbro's 2002 offerings, that the heroes are definitely going to lose the war in "Return of the Resculpts," and it will be a much darker episode than its counterpart, Return of the Jedi.
But we've been from the recreation of The Trade Federation Battle at TOYS R US, escaped through a blue-light special sale at K-MART, journeying to the harsh cyber-world of E-BAY, back to Hasbro's Headquarters iteself, then back to E-BAY, stopping at TARGET and BOBBY'S ATTIC to engage the enemy along the way. We've fought the Empire at SIRSTEVESGUIDETOHOTH, escaped through WAL*MART, explored the COLLECTION OF GRAND ADMIRAL THRAWN'S, and survived a climatic battle and the darkest revelation to come to us yet at $CALPERS BY THE COAST'S CARD CITY.
What will befall our heroes next?
Please post your comments, critiques, and hopes for the future here, then join us for our next movie, as Luke Skywalker returns to his home cyberworld of E-bay in the next exciting chapter!
02-24-2002, 11:40 PM
Couple of reasons why I haven't joined in much.
1) My Internet time has been significantly reduced lately. Just haven't had the time to surf through SSG like I used to.
2) You seemed to have a plan about the thread, Tycho, and I didn't want to mess with it.
3) I have high expectations of my own creativity, and since I couldn't devote much time, I'd rather see little/none of my input than lesser-quality text.
I'd say, I'll try better for the ROJ version, but I can't make promises. :cry: :Pirate: Arr... :(
02-24-2002, 11:55 PM
Very funny Tycho. I applaud you for spending your time and for pretty much taking over the thread. :D I would have contributed, but I'm usually not all that good at this, and besides..you did a better job then I ever could. And no, I don't hate you for the Jar Jar Crap joke, cause the original E1 JJB was pretty crappy. :D
MTFBWY and HH!!
Jar Jar Binks
02-25-2002, 04:37 PM
I wasn't meaning to "shy away" from the story. I just logged on one day and I had about two pages that I hadn't read, and it kept growing before I could catch up my reading. (My non-work internet access has been limited lately, and I usually don't have time to read a lot at once here.)
Return of the Resculpts, eh? I shall try to keep more on top of this episode.
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