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angellus
02-11-2004, 10:29 AM
Star Wars Trilogy—The Ultra, Deluxe, Expanded, Soulless Edition
To Be Released On DVD

LUCASLAND, CA—FEBRUARY 11, 2004—Lucasfilm announced today that the Star Wars Trilogy—Special Edition, will be released on DVD later this year. However, much to the dismay of the fans responsible for making Lucas his millions, the original theatrical releases of the Star Wars Trilogy—the classic versions of the films that were actually respected in the film community and got Lord Lucas to the position he’s in today—will never appear on DVD. No, Lucas has completely forgotten where he came from, ignoring not only his fan base but also the hard work of the groundbreaking effects crew that worked on the original films. All their blood, sweat and tears have been forgotten, passed over in favor of computer generated shots that not only look out of place and interrupt the flow of the films, but also quite often make absolutely no sense. And because Lucas places such a high value his “artistic rights,” he’s also decided to add more new footage to the existing Special Editions! The result will be The Star Wars Trilogy—The Ultra, Deluxe, Expanded, Soulless Edition. The following is an exclusive synopsis of the scenes that have either been added or enhanced:

A New Hope:

The Death Star Shoots First
Lucas has said many times over the years he’s grown concerned that destroying the Death Star unprovoked makes Luke look like a cold-blooded killer. In the new edition, the Death Star will fire at the Rebel Base first. Only after the shot—which was fired at pointblank range—inexplicably misses, does Luke fire his own torpedoes to destroy the battle station. The Death Star will be CGI.

The Award Ceremony
Not only will Chewbacca receive a medal for his assistance in the Battle of Yavin, but so will anyone else who helped Luke throughout the course of the film. We will see Leia first give herself a medal, then Han, Luke and Chewie, followed by the droids, Wedge, the charred corpses of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, and the guy that helped fit R2-D2 into the droid socket of Luke’s X-Wing Fighter. Again, all characters will be CGI.

Tusken Raider Attack
Because there are now only 16 people in the Star Wars Universe, a scene will be added explaining that the (CGI!) Tusken Raider who attacked Luke did so because his father was killed during Anakin’s rampage on the Tusken Camp in Attack of the Clones. C-3PO will translate his dialogue: “Hello, my name is Sav’ge Killr. Your father killed my father. Prepare to die!”

Han Solo in the Death Star Corridor
When Han chases the Stormtroopers down the Death Star corridor, he not only runs into a full platoon of them, but also Darth Vader, the Emperor, a squadron of AT-ATs, Genghis Khan, and a group of disgruntled postal workers. Not one of them manages to shoot him as he turns to run the other way.

The Empire Strikes Back:

R2-D2 & The Dagobah Swamp
Instead of falling into the bog on Dagobah and getting swallowed by an unseen swamp creature, Lucas will avoid any possible sexual overtones by having R2 use his super-cool rocket thrusters to fly safely to shore.

Luke’s Fall
A change will be made to the Special Edition scene where Luke chooses certain death over joining Darth Vader…and then proceeds to scream like a girl. Since Lucas already used the Emperor’s scream from Return of the Jedi for the change in the Special Edition, he’s decided to go all the way and actually replace Luke’s fall with the shot of the Emperor falling down the Death Star shaft. While this change will make absolutely no sense to the audience, Mr. Lucas claims he has an “artist’s right” to do so.

Vader’s Shuttle
Even more urgency will be sucked out of the scene where Vader returns to his ship to retrieve Luke from underneath Cloud City. In addition to the all important “Inform my Star Destroyer to prepare for my arrival” line that was so key to improving the scene in the Special Edition, the new scene will have Vader add “I’d also like my slippers, a beer, the March edition of Playboy, and some ointment because Luke really hurt my shoulder when he nicked me with his lightsaber.” Accompanying CGI footage will follow.

Return of the Jedi:

The Dance Number:
The fabulous dance number in Jabba’s Palace will be enhanced by the addition of Justin Timberlake, who will end the routine by ripping off Yarna’s top and exposing her six boobs.

Obi-Wan Discusses Anakin
Obi-Wan’s conversation on Dagobah with Luke about Anakin Skywalker has been re-recorded to better recount the events of Episode I: The Phantom Menace. The new scene will sound something like this: “Anakin, was never really a good friend, more like someone I put up with because I promised my hippie mentor I would. When I first knew him, your father was already a great pilot, one who could destroy entire space stations by accident! I was never so much amazed at how strongly the Force was with him as I was frightened that this little brat was friggin’ dangerous. But a promise is a promise, so I took it upon myself to train him as a Jedi. I thought that I could instruct him just as well as Yoda, who warned me from day one that he shouldn’t be trained. So when you think about it this whole thing is really all his fault because he gave me permission even though he knew the kid was on the edge. Oh, and Leia’s your sister.”

Beast
02-11-2004, 10:36 AM
:rolleyes:

MTFBWY and HH!!

Jar Jar Binks

Jedi_Master_Guyute
02-11-2004, 10:41 AM
LOLOLOL Holy crap, that was beyond funny!!!! Thanks for posting that as i nearly wet my pants!!! :D

C'mon Binks, i know you're a Lucas purist, but that's funny stuff!!! :crazed:

bobafrett
02-11-2004, 10:42 AM
Star Wars Trilogy—The Ultra, Deluxe, Expanded, Soulless Edition
To Be Released On DVD


Tusken Raider Attack
Because there are now only 16 people in the Star Wars Universe, a scene will be added explaining that the (CGI!) Tusken Raider who attacked Luke did so because his father was killed during Anakin’s rampage on the Tusken Camp in Attack of the Clones. C-3PO will translate his dialogue: “Hello, my name is Sav’ge Killr. Your father killed my father. Prepare to die!”

I just fell off my chair from laughing so hard







The Dance Number:
The fabulous dance number in Jabba’s Palace will be enhanced by the addition of Justin Timberlake, who will end the routine by ripping off Yarna’s top and exposing her six boobs.




lol lol Halarious! Ouch, my sides hurt. Man that whole thing was great!

angellus
02-11-2004, 10:43 AM
LOLOLOL Holy crap, that was beyond funny!!!! Thanks for posting that as i nearly wet my pants!!! :D

I know we're probably NEVER going to get the theatrical editions, so I figured I'd at least relieve my frustration....

2-1B
02-11-2004, 11:12 AM
Funny stuff. :D

However if you take this as some sort of vindication of what Lucas did to the OT, well you're rather naive. :rolleyes:

Every good joke needs one point of exaggeration and these are all very fine exaggerations. :crazed:

Kidhuman
02-11-2004, 11:13 AM
That is to funny. Oh man................

angellus
02-11-2004, 12:23 PM
However if you take this as some sort of vindication of what Lucas did to the OT, well you're rather naive.

I'm not sure what you mean.

2-1B
02-11-2004, 12:47 PM
Some people are so ticked off about this non-OT on DVD concept that they used exaggerations to illustrate how foolish Lucas' tinkering was. That's how the above parody reads.

Which is fine, because it's funny. :)

Still, Lucas DIDN'T do any of those things mentioned above so the article is not a serious criticism of the SEs.

angellus
02-11-2004, 12:53 PM
Okay, I get it. This was more to just vent my frustration. I figure there are plenty of other threads where people can sound off on the Special Editions. This was more just for a laugh.

bobafrett
02-11-2004, 01:23 PM
Okay, I get it. This was more to just vent my frustration. I figure there are plenty of other threads where people can sound off on the Special Editions. This was more just for a laugh.

And laugh I did indeed! :D Just recovering now in fact!

El Chuxter
02-11-2004, 02:31 PM
So is there any truth to these rumors that are floating around?

Mark Hamill's face in ANH and the pre-Wampa scenes of ESB will be replaced by Jake Lloyd's.

Obi-Wan will get involved in a long, amusing sequence in the Cantina that goes along the lines of this: "Hey, Muftak, do you know a good pilot?" "No, ask Momaw Nadon." "Momaw Nadon, do you know a good pilot?" "No, ask Brea Tonnika." And so forth.

Luke will introduce R2-D2 to his ET action figures, explaining that you can make them fight wars.

The long lost "What's a duck?" sequence will be restored to ANH. Also to be restored is the Anchorhead sequence, in which Camie and Fixer will be replaced by a much older Wald and Sebulba's son, Pugwis.

C-3PO will build a snowman on Hoth while humming "Winter Wonderland." He will also always have a CG scarf.

The Falcon will now escape the slug's belly by building a fire and causing the slug to sneeze.

Rick McCallum and a character that looks a lot like Darth Maul will be added to the lineup of bounty hunters. Also, Lucas will add Zam Wessel, which will require a re-release of AOTC to show that she wasn't really dead, which is exactly how Lucas intended it to happen but the technology didn't exist in 2002.

Mon Mothma will be replaced by Padme. Luke and Leia won't know she's their mother, and neither will she following a knock on the head at the end of E3. C-3PO will giggle whenever one of the twins is around Padme.

Biker Scouts, Luke, Leia, and Paploo will take extra care to fasten their safety belts when boarding Speeder Bikes. The camera will focus on this, to encourage safe habits in youngsters.

Jar Jar Binks will be added to the final battle; he will now fire the fatal shot against the second Death Star.

Kidhuman
02-11-2004, 07:16 PM
Alsoin ESB when General Veers and a squad of stormtroopers jump out of the AT-ATs and pelt the generator with snowballs because there was too much violence in that scene.

vadersvette
02-11-2004, 09:15 PM
:crazed: :crazed: :crazed: :D :D :D :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

2-1B
02-12-2004, 12:29 AM
Okay, I get it. This was more to just vent my frustration. I figure there are plenty of other threads where people can sound off on the Special Editions. This was more just for a laugh.

I hear ya. :)

Nevermind my ramblings. I think I did too many shots of Robitussin before I logged on this morning. :crazed:

JediTricks
02-12-2004, 04:54 PM
Great post Angellus! :D You forgot the total replacement of all scenes with Yoda to exchange the puppet for the enhanced CGI version, and 2 more explosion rings around the Death Star to make a "hidden Mickey". ;)



Also, Lucas will add Zam Wessel, which will require a re-release of AOTC to show that she wasn't really dead, which is exactly how Lucas intended it to happen but the technology didn't exist in 2002.Oh man, that was great!

r3pohh yeah
02-12-2004, 11:29 PM
ANGELLUS, THAT WAS GREAT, I LOVED THE POST AND ALMOST DIED LAUGHING!! AFTER I FINISHED TYPING THIS IM GOING TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL TO SEE WHAT THEY CAN DO ABOUT MU SORE STOMACH MUSCLES.

by the way i feel the same way that u do about this whole (No original release DVDs ever) thing. LOrd Lucas must be stopped

angellus, make some more up will ya (u too chuxter)

you forgot to mention the scene in TESB that will be changed. You know the one where Bobba Fett dies in the pit of carcoon. in the super delux, extra extended, ulimate, unitarian, emperor Lucas edition Bobba will fly out of the pit as a CG jango fatt yelling " i know who sofa-dyas is, ha ha ha ha ha", and then explode with 57 explosion rings. next will follow a re-recorded version of the duel of the fates song by john williams which will now feature meriah carry and the voice of tupac.

not nearly as good as yours but i tried

Pendo
02-13-2004, 04:17 PM
LMFAO! What a great thread :D!

:crazed:

PENDO!

Darth Kirk
02-13-2004, 05:58 PM
Angellus, dude, I have to tell ya, I soiled myself reading that, and now I have to change my damned sheets, thanks for making me laugh hysterically.. Also, since LucasFilm is stubborn enough not to release the OT onto dvd, the only solace I found is getting the laserdisc of the OT and transferring em to dvd directly.. It will be a digital to digital transfer, and I will be doing it in a friend's avid room, he edits movies.. I will tell ya'll how it turns out... peace out.. Hey, if anyones already done that, let me know..

angellus
02-17-2004, 03:48 PM
[QUOTE=Darth Kirk]Angellus, dude, I have to tell ya, I soiled myself reading that, and now I have to change my damned sheets, thanks for making me laugh hysterically.. QUOTE]

Glad you got a laugh out of it! I had a few more humorous scenes in mind but they're based on rumors I've heard about Episode 3 and I don't want to ruin the movie for those still excited about seeing it.