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Exhaust Port
10-04-2004, 04:30 PM
It looks like I'm at the end of a 6 year romance which feels like the end of the world. Any advice for moving on from our fellow forumites?

Bobby Fett
10-04-2004, 06:37 PM
I sympathize with you. I had a ten year marriage that fell apart fifteen years ago. I am currently in the fourteenth year of a marriage that far outshines the first.

These will probably sound like platitudes, but here's what kept me going:

Realize that it isn't all your fault. In fact very little little might be your fault.

Don't rush into another relationship.

Don't sit around the house. Get out and do what you've enjoyed doing.

You still have friends. It may take some time for them to adjust, but they're still your friends.

Don't dwell on the past. This is harder than it sounds, but it's possible.

Don't start doing anything to excess.

Finally, and this was my best solution: buy a house and fix and/or remodel everything in it and on it. You can do the same thing with a car, etc. This will occupy your mind, your time and your need to do something.

Best of luck.

bobafrett
10-04-2004, 07:47 PM
Time heals wounded hearts. I'm going it alone, and I don't seem to mind, but 6 years is longer than any relationship I have been in. Getting over some relationships for me, have been easier than others. Good luck to you E.P.

Turbowars
10-04-2004, 08:05 PM
Those are great ways to begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel Bobby Fett!. I was in a 6 year relationship that lead to a divorce myself and friends, family, my job and my Sport truck helped me through it. I did get set back by dating too soon, but come on we still need to have fun. :evil: :sur:

My wife cheating on me was very hard to deal with. I really felt lost without her, but I stepped up to the plate and filed for a divorce. They do it once, they will do it again. Just don't start drinking too much and crap like that.

JediTricks
10-04-2004, 08:50 PM
What I've been told is: "Women are a dime a dozen, so go get a crapload of dimes."
It's terrible advice. :D


Seriously though, don't let it fester, work your feelings out so you don't slowly harp over issues down the road and get consumed by the negative feelings. Realize that while you may feel bad now, that could only come because you felt good before, and concentrate on the fact that you will feel good again in the future.

Exhaust Port
10-04-2004, 09:40 PM
Thanks fella's. Sadly we tried the counseling thing but ended up with a poor counseler that did little more than listen to us run our mouths for hours and didn't give one bit of input. We were 1 day away from scheduling a round of sessions with a new Dr. that I was quite excited about and she showed interest as well but we never got that far. We still need to wrap up some loose ends as we have some ties with each others families that need to be addressed.

I would love to dig right into my hobby but that is currently sitting on her families property and I have no means to move it so I'm in quite a bind.

This whole thing seems quite surreal. Yes we were having problems but nothing that was deserving of this IMHO. I have done so much to protect this relationship so I guess this is why it makes it extra painful to see it crumble. But as some of you've said, there are other fish in the sea so to speak. Right now that is the last thing on my mind but at least I'm not hopeless.

Great advice once again. Anyone else? I'm all ears.

stillakid
10-04-2004, 10:50 PM
When you're in the midst of something so powerful, it's hard to have a long range perspective on it, but as hard as it might be, it could be helpful to minimize what that relationship was. Of course it is an important part of your life, but it is just a part of your life. Look, we all get around 75-ish years or so if we're lucky and we fill that time as best as we can. Sometimes we can control what happens and who pops in but I've found that more often than not, we have very little control over what happens.

Again, I know it's difficult but for your own sanity, try not to dwell on the past or this event as an exceedingly bad thing. You met, that was great. You were together for a long time. That was great. It didn't last, but that doesn't negate the great times you had for the past few years. We all "leave" things and people from time to time in life and move on to new relationships and places. This is just another one of them. And in the end, because she] wasn't happy, you weren't going to be either. So as weird as it might sound, this is probably a good thing. She isn't just acting like she's content in the relationship just because you want it to last. She's being honest about her feelings and is taking control of her life to make it better. You need to do the same. I'm guessing you have around 40 good years left in you (like so many of the rest of us) so try not to waste too much time pining over the past. This is all just temporary anyway. No matter how great our toys or our relationships are, we can't take them with us. Depressing, I know, but true. Best to enjoy life every day you can. :cool:

B'Omarr Monkey
10-04-2004, 11:13 PM
I've been there. It's amazing how terrible you can make yourself feel when it's the other person who was at fault, too. I was in a seven year relationship that ended right when caterers were being called for the wedding. I never got an explanation, or anything. One day I picked her up from work and she told me she wanted me to leave. It turned out that I was the scapegoat for other aspects of her life she wasn't happy with. I was the one thing in her life that she could change, so she did. Her mistake, but by the time she realized this, it was too late. My eyes had opened to how that relationship should have ended years earlier. Getting out of it was the best thing that happened to me.

I got thorugh it through the help of a lot of good friends, two of whom took me in, rent free, until I knew what I wanted to do next. You can't beat that. they also did a lot to patch up my damaged self esteem.

After three months of recuperation time, and building up some savings, since my ex's last gift to me was to clean out our joint bank account (even after I stupidly took care of all the finanacial stuff sucvh as bills and rent before I left) I bought myself a car and moved all the way across the country, and built up a new life there.

It was there that I met my current wife, whom I've been with now for longer than I was in that previous relationship. we have two kids, and overall a great life, certainly better than the life I had before.

Another thing I highly recommend: After I moved cross country, and could do it, I bought myself a fairly pricey, unneccesary emancipation gift; something that I knew my ex would never have allowed me to spend money on. I bought a life size Mars Attacks martian. That act of defiance in itself rerally gave me a sense of independance, and a sense that things would be okay. It sounds silly, but I think, just because it was something I could do in those circumstances made it important. I think it was also symbolic of starting a new life because I realized that if I ever managed to get myself in another relationship, I probably wouldn't be able to justify it then either.

So, once you get yourself set up again, buy yourself a treat that you couldn't justify spending the money on before.

Just don't beat yourself up. You seem like a pretty decent person. Most of your posts here--most of them-- are intelligent and not the rantings of some loser.

Just think. Now you can put the toys out in every room, and no one can stop you. :D

Keep us posted on how you're getting on.

Jedi_Master_Guyute
10-04-2004, 11:35 PM
ah, yes. I remember when my lady and i broke up after 4 years. It's really tough, but it's best to remember that there are other fish in the sea. Surround yourself with friends and family, the ones who have stuck with you through thick and thin and just live your life. It'll hurt like hell at first, i'm not going to lie, but in time, you just learn that you two weren't meant to be and this just means that there is somebody even better suited for you (and her) that will make you happier than you ever could've been with her.

Also, from what i've experienced, it's best to cut off ALL contact with her if possible. There are going to be times when you might/could get back together, but nine times out of ten it won't work. People can adapt, but they can never fully change into somebody else. Also, if you hear from your friends, "ah, she said, blah blah blah" just let it slide. My ex, supposedly said crap about me all the time and i just chuckled. I just kinda told'em, "eh, whatever helps her sleep at night" and let it slide. And about a month ago, she IM'ed me randomly and apologized for how poorly she treated me and how she regretted what she did. So, just keep it cool, hot shot.

I always look to this Radiohead quote in times of trouble.
"If you have been rejected many times in your life, then one more rejection then one more rejection isn't going to make much difference. If you're rejected, don't automatically assume it's your fault. The other person may have several reasons for not doing what you're asking her to do: none of it may have anything to do with you. Perhaps the person is busy or not feeling well or genuinely not interested in spending time with you. Rejections are part of everyday life. Don't let them bother you. Keep reaching out to others. Keep reaching out to others. When you begin to recieve positive responses, then you are on the right track. It's all a matter of numbers. Count the positive responses and forget about the rejections."

I typed it up on a piece of paper back in 99 and it's been on the wall of every apartment/house/dorm room i've occupied. Best of luck! :)

Exhaust Port
10-05-2004, 06:42 AM
Thanks again everyone.

mabudonicus
10-05-2004, 07:38 AM
Well, anyone who's been around here long enoguh knows I'm well versed in what not to do :D

That is lousy, ExP, I sympathize with you, and I know you'll be okay...

using 20/20 hindsight, I can say that 2 things in this thread are pure gold...

1- I wholeheartedly agree with Guyute, all contact must be cut off, it is the easiest.. after my last girlfriend (of 6 years as well) cheated on me with someone who could be called one of my best friends, I tried to keep relationships with many long-time friends who were, basically, lining up for a shot at my ex- the frustration and hurt that trying to make that arrangement work caused me did unbelievable damage, when I finally let go it was very liberating... I still live near the ex, haven't spoken to her in over a year, and I am happy knowing that we had good times together, but that it truly is a closed chapter

Second real good point- B'omar Monkeys strategy, exult in your "liberation", take full advantage of doing things you weren't allowed to do.... and making a specific purchase of something you'd really dig, while seemingly superficial, is IMO a good way to go, as long as you view it as a celebration of yourself and not some kind of revenge... from B.monkeys story it sounds like this is exactly what he did...

OK, so I don't have any of my own stuff to add :D
But those 2 things are really important as far as recovery goes... I should know, I resisted for a year or two and it was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made

Look sharp, bro, never let 'em grind ya down

B'Omarr Monkey
10-05-2004, 09:39 AM
I am definitely going to back up the don't contact her thing, and if she calls don't talk to her. You two will either end up yelling at each other over the phone, and then when you hang up, you'll be feeling more angry and hurt, and slf-abusive, things you are probably feeling enough as it is, or you two will be tempted into meeting which will lead to no place good either.

The other thing to remember is that you two share mutual friends. Feel free to vent your feelings to them all you want, but don't make them choose sides, if you want to keep them. Also, don't use them to keep tabs on your ex. My ex used to do this all the time. People she rarely called when we were together were suddenly getting lots of calls from her, and it was really transparent what she was doing. I don't think any of those people hear from her anymore at all, and are not upset about that.

Get your stuff as soon as you can. You don't want to have to keep going back to your old life. It won't help you. If you don't know where you are going to end up yet, find a buddy, or family member who will let you store stuff in their basement or garage, or get a storage locker, until you get yourself set up somewhere. I didn't do this, and lost stuff to her that I didn't want to lose, simply because when our relationship ended, I was deluded enough to think we'd get back together, so I didn't take it with me when I left. I then had to later play nice with her, when she was writing to me all the time, just to get the very important stuff back that I'd overlooked, like the odd family heirloom, and documents like my birth certificate. Doing this made me feel really crappy, as I was essentially playing along with her just to get my stuff back. Once I had it, I again broke contact, and haven't had any since.

I don't know what your particular situation is , but it was very hard for me to lose her family when we broke up. Over 7 years, they became my family as well. Her niece grew up in my presence. I was still in touch with some of her family members up until a couple of years ago, but the exchanges were more polite than embracing, and I haven't had any contact since, which I still regret. Her niece, when she was graduating high school, did come out to visit me in L.A., which was very touching, because it also meant that I was still important to her, and that was something the breakup didn't change.

Exhaust Port
10-05-2004, 08:00 PM
I don't know what your particular situation is , but it was very hard for me to lose her family when we broke up. Over 7 years, they became my family as well. Her niece grew up in my presence. I was still in touch with some of her family members up until a couple of years ago, but the exchanges were more polite than embracing, and I haven't had any contact since, which I still regret. Her niece, when she was graduating high school, did come out to visit me in L.A., which was very touching, because it also meant that I was still important to her, and that was something the breakup didn't change.

That was nice. Sadly our families are very much apart of each others. Just as with your situation I grew with the younger members of her family as well as saw many new members join (as well as helped when others passed away). The bonds are very deep. I know that the less contact the better so I'll do my best with that....but.... We work at the same company and could very well find ourselves on the road together for 4 days at a time, basically 1 on 1. With that expectation I'm afraid that I need to be very proactive with this breakup and it needs to be discussed so ground rules are layed early. I have no idea how this will be addressed.

As for my stuff, that is also a tough issue. There are 3 LARGE vehicles on their property that are mine. As you can imagine the reason they are there is that I have no other way of keeping them (unless I owned my own land or something). So this issue will need to be addressed with the family so that everyone is content with the decision. It could be a very sticky situation but it'll be answered this weekend.

Anyone pursue counselling?

mabudonicus
10-06-2004, 06:33 AM
Counselling may be required, I'm sorry for not realizing the complexity of your situation when I posted my first response, ExP

With all of the caveats you expressed, it would be wise to have some sort of professional thrown into the mix, even if only to keep things civil....

Whatever the case, determine your goals and keep your eyes on them, man, that advice will work in any situation

Oh, and not to go off topic, but how "large" are these vehicles???

derek
10-06-2004, 05:49 PM
It looks like I'm at the end of a 6 year romance which feels like the end of the world. Any advice for moving on from our fellow forumites?

try not to think of all those other guys she'll be having sexual relations with.

also don't get drunk and call her or her family and don't threaten her new boyfriends.

and when she changes her phone number, don't try to find out her new one by dialing every number in your area code.

don't listen to country music.

make sure if you become depressed don't wait 14 years to see a doctor about it.

and remember, buying useless crap dosen't make you feel better, it will only lead you to bankrupcy.

and if/when you start dating again, don't bore your dates with stories of your lost love.

and don't try to become the next billy corgan, cause you'll just end up with an expensive guitar rig and a bunch of poorly written "woe is me" songs.

don't waste money on a psychologist. if you need someone to hear you cry, go to a topless bar . anyone who pays $100 to some medical school droupout so he can listen to you "talk about your problems " is an idiot.

accept the fact that romantic love is a myth and the happiness you desire is probably not possible to obtain in reality.

of course this is all just stuff i've heard. lol

El Chuxter
10-06-2004, 06:05 PM
don't listen to country music.

Unless it's Johnny Cash. However, I must caution you that if you listen to Cash, and he starts singing about getting drunk and killing people, keep in mind that he's just pretending and don't try to emulate him.


and remember, buying useless crap dosen't make you feel better, it will only lead you to bankrupcy.

Hmm. derek, you realize that all of us would be better off financially if we applied that advice to silly little plastic Star Wars people. :D

Sorry, EP, I'm not trying to be irreverent. Well, actually I am, but only to try to lighten your mood a bit. If I had anything serious to add, I would do so, but it looks like other folks have beat me to every piece of advice I could add.

Hope things work out for the best for you.

Exhaust Port
10-06-2004, 08:16 PM
Counselling may be required, I'm sorry for not realizing the complexity of your situation when I posted my first response, ExP

No problem. All advice has been useful as it's given me a lot to think about. Luckily she's a smart girl and knows the depth of the issue so we'll figure something out.


Oh, and not to go off topic, but how "large" are these vehicles???

35' long and 8' wide, weighing about 10 tons empty. They are old transit buses that I bought from the transit company I use to drive for in college. They look like the bus from the movie "Speed" as well one of them being the bus from the movie "The Graduate."

Yes, it's a strange hobby but it's either that or drugs. :)



Sorry, EP, I'm not trying to be irreverent. Well, actually I am, but only to try to lighten your mood a bit. If I had anything serious to add, I would do so, but it looks like other folks have beat me to every piece of advice I could add.

I knew where you were coming from and it's all appriciated. Last thing I want to do is get all uptight about this and suck the fun out of life. Derek for example as spewed some mighty fine words of advice. :D

Turbowars
10-06-2004, 08:29 PM
35' long and 8' wide, weighing about 10 tons empty. They are old transit buses that I bought from the transit company I use to drive for in college. They look like the bus from the movie "Speed" as well one of them being the bus from the movie "The Graduate."

OK, now get rid of those buses and get a muscle car. ;) Lot more fun and chicks will want to get into it.:p

Exhaust Port
10-06-2004, 08:29 PM
try not to think of all those other guys she'll be having sexual relations with.

Luckily there won't be "all those guys" but even one is pretty disturbing. See did already have someone ask her out today (buy she declined). I guess they don't quite measure up to me. ;) :D


also don't get drunk and call her or her family and don't threaten her new boyfriends.

I did that before we broke up, was that a problem? Which reminds me I need to makes some calls tonight.....


and when she changes her phone number, don't try to find out her new one by dialing every number in your area code.

Do they offer a cell phone plan to cover that amount of calls?


don't listen to country music.

No problem there.


make sure if you become depressed don't wait 14 years to see a doctor about it.

I have trouble remembering what I did last month let alone keeping the same emotional state for more than a few days. A couple quick wiffs of this marker here and all my problems become.....<sniff>......I feel happy now. :D


and remember, buying useless crap dosen't make you feel better, it will only lead you to bankrupcy.

I already have enough useless crap. Chicks dig SW and Simpsons figures right?


and if/when you start dating again, don't bore your dates with stories of your lost love.

No need, I can bore them with stories from work or talk about my interest in SW, the Simpsons, aviation, buses, etc....


and don't try to become the next billy corgan, cause you'll just end up with an expensive guitar rig and a bunch of poorly written "woe is me" songs.

Are we talking about Billy with Hair or Chemotherapy Billy? Billy with Hair wasn't nearly as Woeful.


don't waste money on a psychologist. if you need someone to hear you cry, go to a topless bar . anyone who pays $100 to some medical school droupout so he can listen to you "talk about your problems " is an idiot.

My insurance is pretty good for this but I'll take your advice for your topless bar counseling, sounds like a winner to me.


accept the fact that romantic love is a myth and the happiness you desire is probably not possible to obtain in reality.

I believe it now.


of course this is all just stuff i've heard. lol

Thanks derek.

Kidhuman
10-06-2004, 08:29 PM
Fly a plane into her home. :D

Exhaust Port
10-06-2004, 08:31 PM
OK, now get rid of those buses and get a muscle car. ;) Lot more fun and chicks will want to get into it.:p

Chicks love the bus once they get in but you're right it doesn't have the same magnetic appeal to the ladies. Now if I paint "Girls Gone Wild Tour Bus" on the side you might rethink that muscle car. :D

Turbowars
10-06-2004, 08:35 PM
You have a good point there! ;)

JediTricks
10-09-2004, 12:40 AM
Unless it's Johnny Cash. However, I must caution you that if you listen to Cash, and he starts singing about getting drunk and killing people, keep in mind that he's just pretending and don't try to emulate him.Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson alike transcend the niche of "country music", they are often borderless musicians who touched upon folk, blues, and other aspects of our society's music long before crossover artists were considered hip. But you are right about killing a man in Reno once just to watch him die. ;)


As for the girls, they tend to not be so into the bus thing unless you have a camera crew, some hired bimbos pretending to be fellow partiers, and gallons of booze. Plus, who really wants to fumigate the GGW bus for crabs every other week? :p

B'Omarr Monkey
10-09-2004, 11:31 PM
Here's a little anecdote for those times you are feeling really pathetic. While I was recovering with some friends after my previous relationship ended, one of them rented "Leaving Las Vegas" in an attempt to cheer me up. Her rationale was that it would show me that no matter how bad I thought my life was, the Nicholas Cage and Elizabeth Shue characters were even worse of than I was. My response to that was. "At least they had each other."

I was low.