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View Full Version : JarJar Dies Trying to Save Palpatine???



Tycho
02-08-2005, 03:43 AM
The lighting shooting out from the specter shrouded in evil hammered into the dimunative Jedi Master so hard, he was barely able to deflect it's raw power. Yoda was in the process of being hurled back against the wall of the ante-room when he was able to regain access to the Force and brace himself to withstand the Sith Lord's onslaught.

Reaching out with the Force as his ally once again, Master Yoda bekoned with his three-fingered hand and called his lightsaber back to him. Igniting it, he renewed his charge against Darth Sidious. All at once the Force surged through him and he was rapidly attacking and strategically retreating almost at the same time, as if in some deadly dance with a stationary opponent. Yet with little motion and seemingly even less effort, Sidious repelled each attack and drove the tiny Jedi backward towards the turbolift shafts. One powerful Force-shove jarred the lightsaber from the Jedi Master's hands and Sidious' red blade found it's mark, slicing through Yoda's weapon.

Suddenly JarJar Binks came bounding down the passageway. "Oh mooey-No! Da Chancellah's in twubble! Mesa save you! Mesa save you!" The Gungan was exclaiming his intentions at the top of his lungs as he hurled himself into the room and tried to leap onto Master Yoda. Spinning in midair, the Jedi evaded the Gungan's charge, only to have to leap out of the way again as his large pink tongue lashed out after him. Now JarJar was on his feet clumsily trying to catch the leaping Jedi like a boy trying to capture a wild frog. The scene might have been comical had the Gungan's entrance not interferred with the Dark Lord's rage.

Reaching deep within himself and killing his last connections to a sense of humor, Darth Sidious accepted the irony and channeled it into just one more thing about this universe that he hated. Now he lashed out again with his lightning, faster than the Gungan could move, but not faster than his target, the Jedi Master. The lightning slammed into Representative Binks who was nevertheless almost oblivious to the fact that it singed one of his wild, flopping ears right off, and set the other one on fire. He was still leaping too and fro, tripping on the burnt halves of the Jedi's destroyed and discarded weapon and falling right into the Sith Lord, knocking him over, just as he was slicing downward with a killing blow aimed at Master Yoda.

The Gungan shrieked as he was vertically cut in half, his eyes popping out of his head and one getting lost directly down Sidious' loose black robe. Meanwhile, reflexively, the Gungan's tongue burst out of his disconnected head in an attempt at one last scream, and lashed itself onto the Dark Lord's face, covering his eyes for a moment.

This was all the opportunity the Jedi Master needed, as Yoda called the Sith Lord's lightsaber to him and sliced open a whole in the turbolift doors and lept through it, falling rapidly faster and faster until he gained control of his descent with the Force.

Irrate, Sidious flung the Gungan's body halves off his prostrate form and tugged and pulled the Gungan's tongue from off his face, restoring sight to his evil yellow eyes. But the Jedi Master as well as his lightsaber were gone. Enraged the Dark Lord rushed towards the smoldering hole in the turbolift doors, only to see nothing down the dark shaft below. Catching a glimpse of his reflection in the polished metal of the shaft tube, Sidious felt pained to see that his makeup was smeered. Gone was the CoverGirl application that made him look like the kind and wise old chancellor, and now the ancient face wrinkled by evil stared back at him with those same smoldering yellow eyes. They began to be filled with tears as the Dark Lord pounded and kicked the turbolift shaft as he cried over his prey escaping him and vowed to himself it would never happen again.

Just then he felt renewed, as if with his new resolve his manhood dropped. He thought he felt a tremor in the Dark Side of the Force. Adjusting his nylons he wore under his Sith Lord robes, Darth Sidious felt pride again - for a moment. Gripping a large bulge in his private region, the Dark Lord gasped again as it popped out and fell through a hole in his pantyhose and rolled on the floor and out of his dark robes: the Gungan's other eyeball!

"Aaaargggh!" The Sith Lord screamed in rage and the Dark Side filled him as lightning shot from his hands and lashed out around the room, setting the environment as ablaze as Sidious' anger! "Some day the Last One will drop!" he swore.

plasticfetish
02-08-2005, 04:52 AM
If I hadn't read it on "Hyperspace" first, then I never would have believed it.

:)

I dunno Tycho, I'm with you up until the part about the Emperor's... umm... "parts." I could even see the cross-dressing thing working, giving Sidious a kind of "Buffalo Bill/Silence of the Lambs" quality.

"It rubs the lotion on it's skin, or else it gets the force-lightning again."

Geez, kind of makes me wonder if Mel Brooks is going to do a prequel version of Spaceballs?

mabudonicus
02-08-2005, 10:10 AM
Uhhhhh........ I dunno, I really hope this is just some cruel hoax.....

And I'm with PF.... the last 2 paragraphs seem like someone changed the channel while we weren't looking..... LOL that is some funny stuff

JediBoulton
02-08-2005, 03:30 PM
Assuming that this is REAL for a second --

What a GREAT way to get rid of JAR JAR !! :D

I do not believe I could have imagined it to be any better than that.

..."The Gungan shrieked as he was vertically cut in half,..."

This is outstanding !!!

Ahhh -- who am I kidding -- it has to be fake :dis:

2-1B
02-08-2005, 05:21 PM
Obviously false.

Where did you get that ?

James Boba Fettfield
02-08-2005, 06:25 PM
You are asking the guy who can write pages explaining how Han Solo is a clone where he got this one from?

I have some theories of where it came from, but I can not share them here. :D

Tycho
02-08-2005, 08:14 PM
Guys, I made this story up! It was a joke.

Do you think Lucas would have Palpatine wearing CoverGirl and Pantyhose or have dead-JarJar's eyeball land in the Emperor's underwear?

(Stillakid, do not answer that) ;)

tagmac
02-08-2005, 09:47 PM
Regardless of how it happens (and this sounds fake to me), if Jar Jar really does die, the cheers in the theater will be louder than anything we've heard in a Satar Wars movie, louder than when Vader finally appears, and even louder than the boos that came down before Ep. I when the scrawny face of DiCaprio appeared on screen during the promo for "The Beach."

sith_killer_99
02-08-2005, 10:40 PM
LOL, that was a good one.

If Jar-Jar dies in EPIII it should be a totally meaningless death from a stray blaster bolt in the middle of a battle. He is not worthy of a death at the hands of a powerful Sith Lord. :Pirate:

Kidhuman
02-08-2005, 10:44 PM
"It rubs the lotion on it's skin, or else it gets the force-lightning again."




Holy s**t I am urinating in my pants. That was hilarious.

Tycho
02-09-2005, 02:52 AM
That was pretty funny. What's also funny is that there are still people posting in this thread that "that's such a cool scene," or "if it's real..." when I've posted twice now that I fabricated the whole thing up. Word for word, that's all my writing :rolleyes:

plasticfetish
02-09-2005, 04:13 AM
You're the Orson Welles of SSG.

mabudonicus
02-09-2005, 07:30 AM
LOL thanks for letting us off the hook, Tycho ;)

And I think we've already seen Jar Jar's death (most of us hundreds of times) when the Death Star destroys Alderaan.....
"as if millions of voices.... one saying 'Meesa DYIN'... suddenly cried out... " it's as if GL was trying to take the edge off of the scene :beard:

Tycho
02-09-2005, 01:06 PM
Yeah, I always thought it would be funny if they killed JarJar by testing the Death Star on him! Hehehe.

What I envisioned was a test of the targeting computers' ability to track small moving objects though - for later use in destroying enemy ships.

First they'd stuff the Gungan in a torpedo launcher and eject him into space where we'd get a glimpse of him freezing to death and suffocating in agony at the same time.

Then in some preliminary fine-tuning work, the Death Star super-laser would miss and blow up a few planets by accident, thereby pelting JarJar's frozen and exasperated corpse with meteor rock fragments from the flack.

Next the Imperial Gunners would try and hold JarJar steady enough to target him by grabbing him with the Death Star's tractor beam. Only the beam had the ill effect of pulling his arms and legs and those big floppy ears off his frozen body.

Finally, by targeting the guns manually, Emperor Palpatine himself would take the controls to show the troops how it was done, and he'd target the super-laser with the Force and blow up JarJar Binks in his entirety - thus we are seeing tiny molecular fragmented pieces of him in all the later trilogy movies.

At the end of the demonstration, Palpatine would award himself the Imperial Medal of Valor and everyone would applaud. For this the Rebellion would take a little while longer to organize, as their leaders declared a temporary moratorium on attacks against Palpatine in deference for his great favor to the galaxy.

Otherwise, don't you think the Rebels would have tried to blow up the Death Star sooner?