View Full Version : I need advice

Dar' Argol
02-15-2007, 12:16 AM
and yes I am turning to the vast, mature, collective knowledge of the SSG crew. . . . . this is such a bad idea . . . .

Here's the thing, back last Memorial Day my wife and I quit smoking. We'd been smoking for about 12-14 years or so. We used the gum and both quit the same day. I have been smoke free since then, not a single cigarette since then. JP can vouch for me, during the entire weekend I spent with him I didn't smoke once.

But my wife on the other hand is a different story. She has not told me she's still smoking . . . I figured it out. My first clue to this was about 3-4 months ago. While talking to her on my cell (and she was on her's) she was telling me about a bad day she was having. If you have ever talked to a smoker on the phone, you know when they are smoking while talking to you. You hear a intake, and then an exhale. Well I heard that and my first response was "Are you smoking??" to which she replied "NO, why?". I told her it just sounded like she was and continued on.

Then I noticed her going outside for wierd reasons. Now its a fact that our cell phones get no signal in our house and we need to go outside to use them. But then it seemed like she was going out to make a call a lot. And sometimes she'd go out and not call anyone. Also he younger sister still smokes. She comes over quite a bit, which is not a problem cause I really get along with her younger sister (she's the same age as my sister). But she would join her outside for long periods.

Occasionally I would catch the scent of smoke. Either outside or as she walked past. Then last night, while it was snowing and she was outside looking at it I walked out to join her. In our small enclosure on the front porch I caught a STRONG scent of cigarettes. I didn't say anything but it stayed with me. After she went to bed I checked her coat pocket and found a lighter. That didn't strike me odd at first. I didn't find anything and sat back down to watch the show I was watching. The more I thought about it I found it odd to have a lighter in her pocket. I haven't carried a lighter since I quit . . . why was she? I got up and checked her jacket again . . and then I caught the scent again. So I then went to her purse.

Now before I go on, my wife has no weird thing about me going in her purse. There have been several times I've had to go in there with no problem. So I unzip a section (cause this thing had like 400 zippered sections to it :p ) and nothing. So I decide to only look in one other place . . I mean I'm not going to tear her purse apart looking for something that mght not be there. And I wasn't even really looking . . . not digging, just looking at the section without disturbing anything. So I unzip this second section and I move her glasses case out of the way and there is a pack of Basic Menthol Lights . . what e use to smoke. Imagine my shock. So I open the pack and there are only 6 cigarettes left in the pack.

I am to say the least disappointed. After seeing my Grand-Father in the hospital suffering from a stoke that was caused by the 20+ years of smoking I thought we both decided we were through. I mean we discussed ways to quit and the fact that we both would quit as to not tempt the other. I've been going around for almost a year now and when people ask me for a smoke or did I quit (these would be people I/we know) I tell them that we BOTH quit almost a year ago. I now feel like an idiot because I'm saying we both quit and the may see her still smoking. But then I think, what if this is an old pack that she kept in here for emergencies and she just hasn't taken it out yet. So I let it go.

Then I just checked again, about an hour ago. And now there is only 1 cigarette left in that pack. And she was home all day due to the snow we got. So it's not like she gave them to someone. Throughout the day today she smoked 5 cigarettes. And since "WE" quit I have not smoked once, not even half of one. It's been tough and its a MAJOR life change to quit but I have not faltered once. And there have been several time I have made mention about "US" quiting or I was glad that "WE" quit to her several times and she has yet to say anything about it.

I don't know if I'm upset that she is still smoking, or if she has't come clean to me about it. I'm not going to force her to quit, but in the same respect I do not want to see her laying in the hospital because of it. I always knew it wasn't good for us to smoke, but I never had physical proof, I guess I'm trying to say, of just how bad it can be. So know I am torn. Do I let it go and let her tell me about it eventually . . . or not. Or do I confront her about it . . . or another choice . . .

I guess more then anything else I just need to talk to someone about it who is outside of this. And who is more caring and understanding then the SSG crew :rolleyes: . . . he he he

02-15-2007, 06:58 AM
Perhaps you could slip her a note in one of her packs you find the next time you go through her purse. Something to say "Hey, I know your still smoking, can we talk about it?". If you don't nip it now, it will get harder to get her to attempt to quit.

I have a son who smokes, but he denies it. I've been trying to catch him, but I think he's become wise to it, and hides it better. I lost my mom to cancer, probably not from smoking as it wasn't lung cancer. But my mom did smoke for many years before she finally gave up cold turkey, no gum, no patches.

02-15-2007, 07:25 AM
Replace her ciggarettes with a black lung.

02-15-2007, 07:30 AM
Lace her smokes with angel dust so she'll freak out and trip and NEVER want to touch them again! :thumbsup:

seriously, I do like KH's idea. Toss in a picture of a black lung in her pack. Best of luck! :whip:

02-15-2007, 07:39 AM
I wasnt talking about a pic, I meant the real thing.

02-15-2007, 07:58 AM
I wasnt talking about a pic, I meant the real thing.

lol and how he would go about obtaining one, Mr. KH!? I don't think they sell those things at retail, in aisle 7, next to the mac n' cheese! :p

02-15-2007, 08:04 AM
Ebay or take one of mine on a loaner plan.

02-15-2007, 09:04 AM
Frett's "Busted" is the way I would go, I think, DA.

Can't think of anything that would be less confrontational and still have a chance of producing results. Make sure that you know your position well, tho, when discussion occurs- she is likely embarassed (at least) and it could turn pretty nasty FAST is you aren't careful to avoid being seen as "rubbing it in" or somehow effecting any sense of moral superiority (I know it ain't like that, but I know a LOT of other stuff too about things in general) I dig that you feel betrayed to some extent, but as you suggest in your post, LAST thing on her mind in this was to hurt you (thus the sneakery)
So that's my :ducks: on this one- Good Luck whatever happens, man :D :beard:Isobaws&

02-15-2007, 09:13 AM
Even better Dar, ask her for a smoke one day.

El Chuxter
02-15-2007, 09:22 AM
You could try the guilt trip route, telling someone else when she's around how proud you are that she's been almost a year smoke-free. Only problem is, if she's not being forthright about it now, that may not work either. :(

02-15-2007, 10:09 AM
I definitely agree with what BF said. That's probably the best route and one that'll make her feel the least guilty about it.

Very impressive suggestion frett.:thumbsup:

Dar' Argol
02-15-2007, 12:58 PM
I knew I could ount on you guys. I do like Frett's idea about the note in the pack. I've got to think about it a bit thought, but I think that may be the best way to go. This isn't something to end our marriage but still its something serious. I want to approach this in the best way possible.

Thanx again guys . . . and Hank said you guys don't know anything.

02-15-2007, 01:00 PM
Ooooh... sorry I came late to the game!!! I'd go with that as well. Just choose your words carefully-- yet pointedly. Something like... "I thought we were in this together... :( " or just tell her she's been caught out. Depending on whatever you thnk she'd be more receptive to.

02-15-2007, 01:22 PM
See, JP, I would just use "BUSTED" adding any more guilt and blame to it could backfire LARGE, IMO....

Whatever ya do DA, I'm sure it'll be fine, but make SURE to focus on the actual good reasons behind the initial move, if you get too far on the "how could you do this to me" angle, no matter HOW much you might feel it, you'll be in dangerous water I'd say :beard:Isobaws&

02-15-2007, 02:16 PM
D, do let us know what you do, and the results. Are there any help groups in your town? People who are having problems quitting, and need support? After you confront her about the "smoking", you might want to check to see about seeking a group like that, for both of you to attend, after all she will need your support too.

02-15-2007, 03:11 PM
I say aske her for a cigg still.

02-16-2007, 09:32 PM
I just want to say CONGRATULATIONS on quitting yourself. It totally reminded me of the conversation we had back in Indianoplis, as I felt sick being around the cigarette smoke.

I hope you'll add exercise to your regimen so that you will not gain weight and help strengthen your body. I'm dealing to really need to do that myself, but for different reasons.

I hope that working out together might be something that inspires your wife to quit. That might be something to try as well. It sure will help relax you (the after-effect of exercise). Just try to not do too much and baby yourself in the gym or at walking or whatever you decide to do for your routine any time you don't feel like working out. If you do something, no matter how little, you'll feel like doing more the next time, instead of like you're re-starting.

02-16-2007, 09:51 PM
I would go with Frett's suggestion, except instead of a "can we talk" note I would fold up some divorce papers and slide those in the pack...no, I'm not advocating divorce so yes that's probably a little strong of a comment but I think you should be offended that she is lying to you and you shouldn't have to listen to lies when you know outright that she is being dishonest. It hurts to be lied to. She may not mean to hurt you but she should consider how bad you will feel "if" you ever find out. Sure it's very tough to quit, I don't doubt that, but instead of leading along with dishonesty she should be coming to you and saying that she's having a hard time while you have succeeded, and as her husband she needs your support. I think that's for the best, not trying to go it alone while you are supposed to be doing this together. :(

I bet if the shoe was on the other foot and you were lying to her about a porn addiction, she would let the hammer fly. And NO this is not an extreme or jokey scenario, I've seen it firsthand with a married couple and I saw how bad the woman felt when she would find evidence of her husband's continued use of X-Rated materials even though he kept telling her that he got rid of everything.

Good luck though Dar, but don't be afraid to let her know how hurt you are.
Try to separate her addiction to nicotine from her dishonest ways. No, she probably doesn't mean to hurt you, maybe she feels like a failure where you succeeded, but the point is to work TOGETHER in doing this because it is a huge task. Still, don't fight about it in the wrong way (I suppose the divorce papers suggestion was too extreme, sorry, just trying to inject a wry wit :D ).

Isolate the smoking issue and gauge if she really wants to quit for the right reasons. If she really wants to quit for her sake and the sake of her family's health, then do whatever she needs to have some added support. And if she can admit that she DOESN'T really want to quit smoking, then don't pressure her to quit. True and long term success will only come from a sincere desire to quit...if she doesn't feel it, it won't last anyway.

Tell her it's okay to try to quit but still slip up from time to time, but most importantly make sure she feels okay to tell you when it happens, who knows maybe by telling you and feeling a wee bit of "failure", it could help strengthen her resolve to do better next time. Point out to her that for many Quitters, it takes several, several attempts to succeed so even if it takes her 20 Tries, it' s better than not trying at all.

Good luck with it all, to both of you, and congrats on your continued success, Dar ! :thumbsup:

02-16-2007, 10:26 PM
1) Hire a PI to follow her and catch her in the act, then take the pictures and slam them into her face right when she walks in the door and yell "GOTCHA B**CH!" (Chappelle ref)

2) Women love taking a polygraph test, right? There ya go dog!

3) Tell her you're going to double up on her life insurance now while she's still not admitting to it, then it's just a matter of playing the waiting game for 40 or 50 years.


02-16-2007, 11:32 PM
Statistically, women tend to outlive men. I've been quite deep into the insurance industry.

I believe marriage and monogamy are unnatural.

Once married though, divorce can destroy your life with three words: alimony & child-support.

It's easier to quit smoking most likely.

I used to want to believe that marriage should be honored, respected, and valued. If you do, then don't ever threaten divorce unless you fell out of love with the spouse in question. Lying is a serious problem, but lying about smoking is really a situation where someone is probably too prideful or ashamed to ask for help - but they need your help anyway.

So if you love your wife, you should confront her, reaffirm your love for her, and re-offer your help to her. My suggestion of offering to exercise with her is something I'd still stand by.

But ignore this crap divorce advice if you are still very much in love with your wife. You have way too much at stake to even joke about that with her. It could SO be interpreted the wrong way.

Dar' Argol
02-17-2007, 01:17 AM
First off my wife and I have been married for almost 10 years and in those 10 years we have only had ONE major fight. We have had our ups and downs. we've had money to spare and been so darn dirt poor that we had to scrape to buy a pack of Raman Noodles. We talk about everything . . . . which confuses me why I can't just go up and talk to her about this. Maybe its because I know the power of addiction . . . maybe its because I don't want her to feel that I am better then her because I quit without much of a problem. I love my wife with all my heart and all my soul. She is the only person who gets me and puts up with all my quirks. The only person that I love nearly as much as my wife is my daughter. There is nothin that I will not do for my wife. We communicate more then most people I know. I think Tycho may have hit this on the head about the ashamed or prideful part. that may be why she hasn't said anything yet.

And I will not let something like smoking endanger my marriage. Divorce is not an option, never was and never will be. I appreciate the ideas, but joking or not divorce does not exist.

02-17-2007, 07:15 AM
DA, if that's the stuff you feel, then I think you have to be honest with her, tell her that exact same stuff, and don't let up until she convinces you she's being honest with you. It may not work, sometimes people just keep doing what they're doing no matter what you say or do, but you gotta keep trying and keep letting them know what the costs are - both financial and to their loved ones' lives if they die from their addiction.

Electroshock also works surprisingly well, basically it trains out the automated impulse in their brains taking it out of the equation, when they reach for a cigarette "naturally" on impulse without thinking about it, their hands stop as a reflex and it gives them a second to make a conscious choice - I've been getting static discharges from a door in my apartment building for 13 years now and cannot open doors on impulse anymore, it takes me an extra second usually, and on that door specifically it takes me 3 extra seconds to cope (recently I had an awesome thing where I got real close and the hair on my knuckle arced a bright blue zap with accompanying noise).

Statistically, women tend to outlive men. I've been quite deep into the insurance industry.Yes, that was my joke about "the waiting game" for the life insurance, since DA's stopped smoking and his wife hasn't, the odds are evening out in his favor.

I removed elements from the last 2 posts, it's a road I suspect will end up getting this thread closed, so I'm stemming it off now.

02-17-2007, 04:16 PM
There was a study released just recently by the Dept of Neurology at the Univ of Iowa (full disclosure, I'm in neurobiology at the same school, but a river and whole wall of bureaucracy between, but occasionally interact with the MD/PhD and the faculty at the hospital), that describes people who have an injury to the insula of the brain, actually stop smoking. New exciting, but not quite ready for clinical applications.

02-17-2007, 04:34 PM
So if DarArgol hits his wife over the head with his lightsaber or something (perhaps this requires a brick or dropping her off the roof upside-down?) he could injure her brain and help her quit smoking?

Will this study work as a defense in court on assault and battery charges?

Meanwhile, I didn't smoke before, but people suspect that sniffing a lot of Mouse Droids injured my brain the other summer.

Try covertly placing newly opened Star Wars action figures on her pillow at night after your wife turns in, Dar Argol. She already knows that you're weird, so this won't arouse too much suspicion from her. Please make sure she doesn't inhale any small parts, or that it doesn't get ridiculous like where you're placing SideShow's Jabba the Hutt on her pillow. That can be traumatic to wake up to.

02-17-2007, 06:56 PM
So if DarArgol hits his wife over the head with his lightsaber or something (perhaps this requires a brick or dropping her off the roof upside-down?) he could injure her brain and help her quit smoking?

Will this study work as a defense in court on assault and battery charges? to.

Sure, if he could surgically and precisely identify the insula in the brain. I had to look it up where is is located and I'm studying for my comprehensive exams. This correlation was only found by going through the books of hundreds of peoples, seeing what behaviors changed after they were injured by some sort of penetrating trauma to the skull. And if you read, novel thought not many do, I did say there is no clinical applications as yet; out side of eplipesy there is no valid reason to cut open someone's head and injure part of the brain.

JT is correct, electroshock maybe an acceptable therapy in this case, but again, done under the care and direction of a licensed professional who has done hundreds of thousands of such procedures as a resident before moving off on their own. Not quite right on the mechanism, and it has it's own side effects with memories and motor coordination.

02-17-2007, 08:14 PM
The way I think I would approach it would be to casually sit down with her, wether facing her or just sitting by her side. Personally I think sitting down by her side might be better, direct eye contact could make her nervous and seem like you're scrutinizing her.

Maybe say something along these lines-

"I understand that you're having a difficulty letting go of smoking, everybody has varying difficulties. I noticed a pack in your purse the other day, I just want you to know I'm here if you want to talk about it."

Mind you, I'm single so I really don't know if something like that would work.

02-18-2007, 09:12 AM
at least it's not another guy she's sneakin' off for. Imagine trying to get her to admit to that.

I think you should remove the cigs, keep them in your pocket and when she goes looking you stroll up nice and casual and hold them up and say "looking for these my dear?" then it's right out there and you can talk. just make sure to choose the words carefully and not be too heavy or too accusatory or too smug.

02-18-2007, 09:24 AM
I gave my "real" advice maybe a page back. But everyone's posts seem to remind me of comedic situations. So here goes:

Buy a very dark Lazyboy chair that swivels on its base.

Buy a dark cloak with a hood.

Use Jargo's suggestion and remove her cigarettes from her pack.

When she goes looking for them, suddenly rotate around in your new chair, wearing your dark robe, and have the cigarettes beneath your fingers.

Then say, "You want these don't you? I can feel the urgency growing in you now. Take your cigarettes and betray my trust! Then your journey toward the Dark Side will be complete!"

Follow this up with an evil cackle-of-a-laugh.

You could add part of John Williams' score for additional ambiance.

02-18-2007, 08:21 PM
How about this DA, you could simply spend every waking minute with her for 3 weeks, if she doesn't get all antsy for a smoke by then, you know she's not BSing. ;) (or she's casually addicted, which is just wasteful! :p)

JT is correct, electroshock maybe an acceptable therapy in this case, but again, done under the care and direction of a licensed professional who has done hundreds of thousands of such procedures as a resident before moving off on their own. Not quite right on the mechanism, and it has it's own side effects with memories and motor coordination.There's low-level stimulus to the fingers that seems to work well after a few sessions, it's more viable than electrodes to the brain. But you're right, trying to do it yourself or getting some clown who doesn't know jack about it can be very dangerous.