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El Chuxter
09-23-2007, 06:21 PM
Last night, I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in years. I asked how he was doing, and he said he hadn't had a bite in two days.

So I pooped on him.

El Chuxter
09-23-2007, 06:22 PM
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Who the hell cares? I'm prairie-doggin' here!

El Chuxter
09-23-2007, 06:23 PM
I just flew in from Aspen.

Boy, do I have to poop.

El Chuxter
09-23-2007, 06:29 PM
D'oh! It looks like there's already a thread devoted entirely to unfunny poop jokes (http://forums.sirstevesguide.com/showthread.php?t=19808). Can one of the mods please merge the two?

2-1B
09-23-2007, 08:45 PM
Love the setup, Chux. :D

Kidhuman
09-23-2007, 09:21 PM
Awesome Chuxtable.

General_Grievous
09-23-2007, 09:21 PM
Gotta hand it to ya, Chux, that was good. Even if I did like Transformers.

TeeEye7
09-29-2007, 05:54 AM
"Plop! Plop! Fizz! Fizz! Oh, what a relief it is!"

While not a joke, the ol' Alka Seltzer jingle sure made us little kids laugh in the old days, cuz we sure didn't think they were singing about acid indigestion or headaches! :crazed:

jjreason
09-29-2007, 07:21 AM
I'll tell you an unfunny poop joke - when I worked in the Armored Car "biz", the driver I was working with sharted in the middle of our shift. There really isn't much air circulation in those things. :(

Qui-Long Gone
09-29-2007, 11:30 AM
Since my son has turned 1 this month, poop jokes just seem too real to be funny...now, poop incidents are a hilarious thing, mostly the ones involving my wife my son and his changing table!

El Chuxter
09-29-2007, 01:24 PM
My daughter just started on milk. The doctor warned us it could cause constipation. She went about four days without pooping. Then, suddenly, the biggest turd imaginable was in her diaper. And she wasn't even half done! I tell you, that turd would've done me proud. Hell, it would have done a gorilla proud.

TeeEye7
09-29-2007, 05:24 PM
My daughter just started on milk. The doctor warned us it could cause constipation. She went about four days without pooping. Then, suddenly, the biggest turd imaginable was in her diaper. And she wasn't even half done! I tell you, that turd would've done me proud. Hell, it would have done a gorilla proud.

As weird as this is gonna sound, this gives me happy flashbacks of early parenthood. Spectacular events like this served to validate that your children are healthy, happy, and all systems are working as they should (even when they suffer from EWD!). Yep, parents are proud puppies when they witness such events as Mr. and Mrs. Chuxter just did! :yes:

I wonder if Slick hears the command "Launch sea pickle" when he's on the ship? :confused:

CaptainSolo1138
09-29-2007, 07:35 PM
I wonder if Slick hears the command "Launch sea pickle" when he's on the ship? :confused:I'm sure he has.


Except it has nothing to do with poop and everything to do with green condoms.

Tycho
09-29-2007, 10:12 PM
Poop and farts are fun when they're your own - like when you fart in an elevator.

When they're someone else's - it actually makes me hurl.

Sometimes, I can't use public restrooms at all. The smell hits me as soon as I open the door, and I can suddenly hold it until I can make it to another restroom.

It's been a while since I've pooped in my pants, but I wouldn't like that. Then other people stare at you because they might smell you and discover you pooped.

Farts that make loud noises are fun. But they're dangerous - as you could be chancing it that more than just gas comes out.

Making fake farts, having an electronic machine, or best yet - having a remote-controlled machine to make fake farts seem like they're someone else's are the best. There's no smell of course, but if it's believed, it's fun to watch people put their hands over their noses anyhow. If you make fake farts yourself, you might get caught and then people won't react like they expect a stinkbomb, but instead they'll look down on you like you're really immature - even though you are.

Being immature is not a bad thing. It's really an evaluative thing that suggests "mature" people are serious all the time and don't remember how to have fun. If whatever you like to do, such as make fake farts is fun, then by all means: do it.

I once had a window to my dorm room close to the exit of my college cafeteria. I had several friends who thought farting noises were as funny as I did. We shut off the lights to my room, but had the window open. But you couldn't tell the window was open by looking at it. We also had an electronic remote controlled fart machine hidden in the planters leading away from the cafeteria. We made viscious farting and vommiting noises when people walked by in groups, and activated the fart machine. Man did we get reactions! It was so funny! Everyone accused each other in the groups leaving the cafeteria and though we knew it was a risk, we did NOT end up losing the remote controlled fart machine. That was indeed funny.

I hate it when adults you know, maybe even love, but at least respect, poop in their Depens or something. You want to show them you mean them well, but how do you ignore the fact that they smell like ****. Maybe you need to tell them, "Hey, I just thought I'd let you know: you crapped in your pants and everyone can tell." But doesn't that seem terribly cruel.

They may not be able to clean it up easily anyway. There is regular crap, or even hardened crap - and that you can handle. But diarhea is just nasty and can make a bigger mess while you clean it up than when it initially came out in a bad farting episode.

Have you ever held it for so long that when you finally reached a toilet, it just blasted off like your butt was the Death Star? Man, I bet that if you could see the vapor that kind of explosion gives off, it would look like a nuclear mushroom cloud.

Yes, there are all kinds of rear-end explosions. I wonder if gasto-intestinal doctors privately refer to themselves as bomb technicians. In many ways that fits their job description.

Do you think they sit around and discuss poop like we do in this thread on the internet?

I bet poop (and gas) could be a fascinating topic - like how it might change depending upon what you eat or even how old you are. Then there's the sound, smell, solid or liquid discharge. There's a lot there to discuss about farts and poop altogether.

I want to personally thank El Chuxter for providing us with this forum in which to discuss this important bodily function. I take it that it's agains the forum rules to post pictures or diagrams, but alright.

I once posted pictures of my cats' litterboxes, but they got taken down (I think) - the thread might have been moved because I originally posted the pics in the "Just Found" forum. In that case, it was applicable because I went to Wal-Mart and found a refill for their kitty litter.

See: we've went from talking about human poop to cat poop, to cat-poop-supplies, to what we've found while toy hunting at Wal-Mart. It sure is fun to play with poop!

I bet you can now print this thread and have it make great toilet reading!

Lowly Bantha Cleaner
09-29-2007, 10:28 PM
Poop jokes? Let me think. Ahhh, my favorite joke of elementary school.

An Irishman, Italian, and an American were on an airplane that ran out of fuel and was slowly crashing down to the ground. All three were nervous wrecks but seeing that it was futile to stay on the plane and die, the three men decided their best bet was to jump out of it as the plane was going down.

Right before they did, a wizard, sensing their desperation, appeared. He offered to change each man into anything that they can think of, to help them survive their fall. The catch was that they had to scream their selection as they jumped out of the plane.

The Irishman jumped out of the plane and all he could think of was gliding so he yelled "Flying Squirrel," and poof, was instantly changed into one by the wizard, where he glided to the ground safely.

The Italian only could think of soaring away, so he yelled, "Eagle" and lo and behold, was transformed into one where he soared away.

The American thought of landing on the ground like a cat does, but as he stepped off the plane, he didn't realize just how far off the ground the plane was. Instantly terrified as he jumped and saw the ground, he yelled the word, "Poop!" (only it's more profane cousin) and landed on the ground with a definite stinky splat.

El Chuxter
11-04-2007, 08:12 PM
Dear Poop,

I am sorry that I compared you to the recent Transformers movie. I had not seen this movie at that point, and was unaware of the distress such a comparison may cause you. I have now had the misfortune of losing the 2+ hours which I wasted on this movie, and will never be so thoughtless as to insult your good name by comparing you to said movie again.

My deepest apologies, and assurances that it will not happen in the future.

Sincerely,
El Chuxter

PS: See you in the morning!

Blue2th
11-04-2007, 09:33 PM
A fart is a message from Turd Island, that Capn' Poop's arrivin' :grin:

Rebo's_Guitarist
11-04-2007, 09:35 PM
I'm sorry I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.

El Chuxter
08-19-2008, 11:31 AM
What is a fart?

Naught but the cry of an imprisoned turd.

Blue2th
08-19-2008, 04:06 PM
"Here I sit cheeks a flexin' givin' birth to another Texan."

Jargo
08-19-2008, 05:05 PM
Poop Dawg! yo yo yo y'all.

Snowtrooper
08-19-2008, 05:08 PM
What smells like s**t and sounds like a bell????



Dung!!!!

Blue2th
08-19-2008, 10:57 PM
How do they spell relief in China? "Dung Chow Ping"

El Chuxter
12-12-2008, 02:47 PM
I like to walk around crowded casinos and drop fart behind old ladies playing slot machines. They can't hear it even if it's not SBD, because of all the noise. Then I go around the corner and watch to see their reaction when it hits them.

It's funnier than Vince Offer's movie. Of course, a kick in the nads is funnier than that.

Jargo
12-12-2008, 03:10 PM
A guy goes to a bar. orders a beer and drinks it all down in one. he heads to the john and slips on some dog poop and lands on the floor on his butt.
The guy gets up and berates the barman for letting a dog poop on the floor inside.
meanwhile a second guy comes in heads to the 'restroom' before going to the bar, he too slips on the dog poop landing flat on the floor on his butt.
"I just did that!" the first guy shouts over. So the second guy gets up grabs the first guy by the scruff of his neck and rubs his nose in the poop...


It's the way I tell 'em!

Tycho
12-13-2008, 12:24 PM
I like to walk around crowded casinos and drop fart behind old ladies playing slot machines. They can't hear it even if it's not SBD, because of all the noise. Then I go around the corner and watch to see their reaction when it hits them.

It's funnier than Vince Offer's movie. Of course, a kick in the nads is funnier than that.

I am having trouble farting. I am not eating very much lately, so there really's nothing inside of me to produce any gas. It has made riding in elevators very boring for just one example.

I was also less entertained by fake-farting at Target as of lately. I'll go down an unoccupied isle, so no one can see me bring my hands to my face. Then I'll blow really loudly and let one rip. But I haven't had anyone rush over to my isle or audibly laugh as of lately. I think Christmas shopping is REALLY more depressing this year if fake-farting at Target is no longer entertaining.

Lowly Bantha Cleaner
12-14-2008, 11:35 AM
Q: What does Santa find in his toilet?

A: yule logs

(This joke can be utilized around the calendar year by omitting the word "Santa" and inserting the words "Abraham Lincoln" and omitting the word "yule" and inserting the word "Lincoln.")


A blonde walks into a bar carrying a huge pile of excrement in her hand, and shouts, "Look what I almost stepped in!"

Jargo
12-20-2008, 07:53 AM
we used to have a chocolate bar here in the UK called Topic. the slogan was "what has a hazelnut in every bite? TOPIC!"
which prompted schoolboys everywhere to change it to "what has a hazelnut in every bite? SUIRREL POOP!" only the word they used was ruder and rhymed.

Tycho
06-22-2009, 02:45 AM
I posted an evil plan to make my bartenders fart!