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View Full Version : Have You Ever Wondered Why Elephants Don't Fly Airplanes?



Tycho
12-01-2008, 01:52 PM
I was seriously pondering the reasons elephants do not fly airplanes today and after putting a lot of thought into the subject, I reflected that many elephants won't fit in an airplane's cockpit in order to pilot the craft.

Airplanes are just usually not constructed with elephant access in mind.

I suppose an elephant with good eye-sight and a long trunk might be able to stand outside the cabin door and reach in for the controls with it's "nose."

Yet we are assuming the elephant can fit in the aircraft's cabin to begin with.

Do you think they should make airplanes bigger so that elephants can fly them?

Tycho
12-01-2008, 03:33 PM
So I was just daydreaming and I had this fantasy where I had a billion dollars and I created this non-profit company that built a large-scale aircraft big enough for an elephant to pilot it.

I also bought air time on a TV channel - or a few (like Barack Obama did) and I had Greta Van Susteren (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greta_Van_Susteren) out on a municipal airport runway where I had like 7 or 9 elephants of various sizes and ages brought out to meet me. Then I offered them the microphone during the course of my interview and asked if any of them would like to fly the airplane. None did, but one trumpeted and I explained to Greta that elephants can't speak English, but there is plenty of evidence abound that proves many species of animals understand it.

Then one of the elephants ate her microphone but we replaced it and called a veterinarian with an elephant-size dose of Ex-Lax.

Anyway, nothing else occurred that day with my offer to have the elephants get a chance at flying their airplane. For several years, I was ignored by the media as I tried to repeat my experiment. Then one day I captured everything on video camera and a cockpit cam when one of my youngest elephants, who's really curious, boarded the airplane of his own free will, and started manipulating the levels and such.

We drove the plane around the runway and my elephant friend seemed to have a great time doing this. It was a bright, beautiful sunny day for a drive in our elephant-airplane at any rate.

Then we stopped for a while and had lunch served to us out on the runway. I ate a burger and my elephant friend had a giant salad served up in a bathtub.

After my friend took a large dump and "hosed down" the runway, he reboarded the airplane. I expected him to enjoy another drive but he was actually interested in trying some of the levers and raising the nose up. And then we were FLYING! I had to make some course corrections and didn't want to chance putting the landing gear up, but we radio'd clearance to circle the airport in an eliptical flight pattern, and then I helped my elephant friend land the plane, instructing him all the way, and telling him about every step I was taking.

So an elephant did fly after all! I immediately phoned Greta Van Susteren and she came out again to cover the story for FOX News from the municipal runway and she re-interviewed me and my elephant friend. He didn't really say anything, but his grunts were more than the other elephants who did not fly offered. They just stood and stared and ate hay - you know: elephant type of stuff.

So Greta was asking me WHY if I had a billion dollars, did I spend it all building an airplane so I could teach elephants how to fly? I had to think about it only for a moment. I answered that the reason I did this was because no one else would. During the course of the project, I was taken away in a straight-jacket by people in white lab coats many times. But I took their cognitive tests they gave me and passed them every time. Maybe they wanted to hold me for longer observation, but there was no legal precedent with which they could appeal to. So I'd always be released out in public again, to fund and build airplanes for elephants to fly.

It is my hope that in the future, I will be able to take Greta Van Susteren up in the air with me, on a plane entirely flown and landed by an elephant.

Elephants are remarkably curious creatures and said to be very intelligent. Why not teach them how to fly airplanes?

El Chuxter
12-01-2008, 05:47 PM
Jesus Christ, Tycho, why the hell do you think they designed those big military cargo planes? They were sick of elephants complaining about being stuck on ground duty. Elephants do indeed fly planes, but most don't like it.

Old Fossil
12-01-2008, 07:44 PM
If you're gonna teach an elephant to operate a vehicle, you don't need to have 'em fooling around with goddamned airplanes. What the hell's wrong with you, Tycho???:upset:

It should be very obvious to anybody that elephants should be shown how to drive dune buggies, and to master the yo-yo as well.

bobafrett
12-01-2008, 08:38 PM
I'm certainly not going to put myself on any plane that is piloted by an elephant no metter how well they did on the test flights.

Elephants would work for peanuts though!

Did I just say that?

Yes I did, I can go back and read what I typed, and I did, I bet an elephant couldn't do that.

Are you on any medication while you wrote that Tycho?

Jedi_Kal-El
12-01-2008, 10:18 PM
If all the elephants had Dumbo ears, they wouldn't have to fly planes.

TeeEye7
12-02-2008, 02:12 AM
If all the elephants had Dumbo ears, they wouldn't have to fly planes.

At last! The Voice of Reason!
I wondered how long it would take for some one to figure this out!

El Chuxter
12-02-2008, 09:09 AM
At last! The Voice of Reason!
I wondered how long it would take for some one to figure this out!

I don't see that JJ has responded to this thread.

TeeEye7
12-02-2008, 10:56 AM
No, not JJ. That was his cousin, Bob.

pbarnard
12-02-2008, 01:05 PM
I suppose an elephant with good eye-sight and a long trunk might be able to stand outside the cabin door and reach in for the controls with it's "nose."

Do you think they should make airplanes bigger so that elephants can fly them?

No, because they don't have very keen eye sight compared to that of birds and primates. So they can't pass the vision test, so there's no need to change the cockpit/controls to accomodate them.

Tycho
12-02-2008, 02:41 PM
What about investing in laproscopic eye surgery for elephants so that those amongst them who wish to become pilots will then have a better chance at this opportunity?

And the comment about elephants with Dumbo ears makes this an especially important point: if the elephants are going to be flying anyway...

El Chuxter
12-02-2008, 02:48 PM
They're certainly going to be spending twenty bucks a month on paper towels, anyway.

pbarnard
12-02-2008, 02:54 PM
What about investing in laproscopic eye surgery for elephants so that those amongst them who wish to become pilots will then have a better chance at this opportunity?

And the comment about elephants with Dumbo ears makes this an especially important point: if the elephants are going to be flying anyway...

Doesn't change the fact they lack the ability to process 3D and color visually. So removing the scarring or blasting out the dead photoreceptors won't help.

And did you see Dumbo early on. He was crashing into things left and right. And we only saw a juvenile Dumbo. What happens when he grows up and his mass to lift ratio changes and he can't fly anymore?

Tycho
12-02-2008, 02:57 PM
al-Qaeda could recruit Dumbo. He seems to be already qualified.

This would be a terrible tragedy for Disney, as already Islamo-facist hate schools are using a Mickey Mouse character to teach their young to hate Westerners.

jediguy
12-02-2008, 05:09 PM
the most obvious reason is that the airlines didn't have elephants in mind when the designed them

DarthQuack
12-02-2008, 07:12 PM
I've never wondered why elephants don't fly airplanes, I'm more curious why they never forget.