View Full Version : Convenience Store Robbers Form Union And Warn of Pending Strike

06-22-2009, 07:42 PM
AP - Elmhurst, IL.

Convenience store robbers have banded together in the suburban Chicago area to protest working conditions that they say have made it impossible to do their job.

As the economy has taken a turn for the worse, AM/PM Stores and 7-elevens, popular locations for small-time armed robberies, have cut their costs by turning off their air conditioning, hoping to save some money that will help them save jobs.

Many more who are out of work due to recent layoffs have found new employment by beginning a career in convenience store robberies. But says one new worker, "Muggsey," the robbers cannot tolerate the temperatures they must endure while wearing their ski masks. "Clyde" reports that with store revenues being down in this recession, the bandit's take is reduced and he cannot afford shooting lessons. Thus his exploits are just limited to armed robberies because he has not yet developed the skills to move up to robbery-homicide.

Recently, Muggsey and Clyde have joined a new union, the STRA (Small Time Robbers' Association) and vowed to strike if there are not improvements made in their working conditions.

Since there were no real names being used, the STRA poll was able to be done using a card-check method that the United States Congress has not fully weighed in on yet. The criminals obviously used their aliases.

But a spokesrobber for the union stressed their cause's importance. "Bull" said that, "If the union votes to strike, then there will be no continuation of many inner-cities' crime waves. There will be less need for police, and if and when our members get captured, there will be less need for lawyers, judges, and prison guards. Armed robbery affects a wide swath of the economy and creates jobs in many related industries."

If STRA results are unsatisfying, they may appeal for a federal government bailout. "We're the robbers, so why should we let the big time corporations steal our jobs?" said Bull. "Everyone else is ripping off the taxpayers, but we're the ones who are supposed to be doing it!"

STRA plans to hire a team of lobbyists that might include former Illinois Governor Rod Blagoievich and New York Governor Elliot Spitzer, along with New York Yankee Alex Rodriquez and Los Angeles Dodger Manny Ramierez, to be directed by Martha Stewart and CFO Jack Abramhoff.

"Just because we're small time armed robbers doesn't mean we can't bring in the big guns," said "Chainz."

06-22-2009, 10:26 PM
Sounds like its from The Onion.

06-22-2009, 11:24 PM
No. I wrote this one myself. I thought of it while I was on the phone with BobaFrett.

Unfortunately, The Onion and Weekly World News (in grocery stores) do not take free-lance submissions.

I'd love to do an expose on Mouse Droid Sniffing.

06-23-2009, 10:32 AM
We just have over-weight ninja robbers here.

06-24-2009, 11:22 AM
:o How much crack are you "enjoying" these days, Tycho?

06-24-2009, 11:41 AM
It's almost believable. :yes:
They mentioned in the news how Chicago's retailers are abandoning the inner city, so there's less places to rob. Everyone's competing for the same job. :ermm:
It would be nice if they had some code, like honor amongst thieves.

(on a more serious note) Too bad the non-union armed robber association didn't stick to the code when they shot and killed girl at Denny's last week across town in Albuquerque. :(

They mentioned they were from Honduros illegally. They didn't get their stinking passports or pay union dues.

06-25-2009, 11:33 PM
Weekly World News went out of print 2 years ago, though I believe another supermarket tabloid, the Sun, absorbed it and uses a smaller version as an insert.