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View Full Version : What could save the GIJoe movie?



El Chuxter
07-06-2009, 09:38 PM
1) Prominent role played by Polly.
2) Snake Eyes breakdances.
3) Heavy Duty says, for no apparent reason, "Mister Body Massage machine, go! Body massage!"
4) Opening is a shot-by-shot live action remake of the "Battle for the Statue of Liberty" opening to the original GIJoe: The Movie.
5) Cows. Lots of them. Being thrown into buildings. (Hey, it was the only saving grace in Stephen Sommers' last piece of crap movie, Van Helsing.)
6) Two words: Sergeant Slaughter!
7) Footage of Yul Brenner from various old movies digitally spliced onto a bodybuilder's body to appear as Doctor Mindbender.
8) Duke killed in action. Scarlett and Hawk cry loudly, and are poorly overdubbed saying that he'll be okay. Another poor overdub, of Doc, over the final scene, saying that Duke has come out of his coma.
9) Tomax and Xamot played by Cheech and Chong. Cue the Corsican Brothers references!
10) Renegade SAW Viper misinterprets an order from Cobra Commander and kills the entire Joe team, as well as the film crew.
11) Bill Ratner appears as Flint in a post-credits PSA, warning kids not to hide in abandoned refrigerators.

Feel free to add more.

pbarnard
07-06-2009, 09:40 PM
12) Thermonuclear war: annihilation all movie theaters.
13) Habro's CEO grows a set and pulls the plug.
14) After initial showing, even the most ardent Joe fans storms the theaters and saves the rest of us from watching.
15) Choosing instead to watch monkeys fling feces at each other as foreplay in an animal behavior study.

Ji'dai
07-06-2009, 11:19 PM
16) Shia Labeouf!
17) Sarah Michelle Gellar joins the team as her Buffy the Vampire Slayer alter ego to help combat Cobra-summoned demons and nosferatu.
18) Michael "Midas Touch" Bay.
19) Johnny Depp, Keira Knightley, Orlando Bloom, and Geoffrey Rush play pirates who help the Joe team fight Cobra when a Cobra experiment sends everyone back in time.

Blue2th
07-06-2009, 11:42 PM
Re-boot or do a prequel from the WWII time period, use old hardware, and GI Joes looking for the new Nazi Flying Saucer Project.
Get a stolen Nazi Jet in there (there are flying ones still)
Nazi subs escaping to Antarctica at the fall of Germany with the saucer technology, the armed forces sending in a huge fleet to shut them down, getting miserably defeated losing a few ships (there is some documentation that this actually happened but..) then they have to get the GI Joes, Sergeant Rock, Indy or whoever to go in there.

JetsAndHeels
07-06-2009, 11:53 PM
The GIJoe team helps Tom Cruise come up with a strategy to kill Hitler.....

El Chuxter
07-07-2009, 12:11 AM
22) Reese Witherspoon plays Ripcord's girlfriend, Candy Appel, alias Bongo the Balloon Bear. When wearing her bear suit, she tries to perform various feats in Manhattan, such as getting a hug from a stranger, hailing a cab, changing a $10 bill, and entering an adult theater, all while David Letterman comments on her success or lack thereof.
23) You thought Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander was cool? Wait until you see the well-kept secret of Cobra-La when Serpentor (John Lithgow), the Nemesis Enforcer (French Stewart), and Pythona (Kristen Johnston) show up to make things really bad for the Joe team! Best of all, there's even a cameo by William Shatner as Golobulous!!

Rocketboy
07-07-2009, 12:16 AM
24) Five words: Pauly Shore and Carrot Top.

El Chuxter
07-07-2009, 12:34 AM
25) As the inevitable, predictable final battle looms, entire cast breaks into a shot-by-shot remake of the Thriller video instead of fighting. Everything seems okay, until the final shot of the movie, where Ripcord looks at the camera and we see he has yellow cat eyes.

sith_killer_99
07-07-2009, 03:43 AM
Scarlett/Baroness love scene!:laugh:

mabudonicus
07-07-2009, 11:47 AM
26- last thing that happens in the film is a fade-in from black, a guy who looks like Duke actually should wakes up to the sound of a claxon and suits up then runs through a few hallways into a control room where several people dressed like the actual JOE team are watching the REAL Cobra Commander (with the real Destro at his side) on a monitor announcing the rollout of the MASS device and Duke utters some line like "I just had the strangest dream" then (ideally Roadblock) says "This ain't no dream duke, them snakes are at it again" and then Wild Bill says "Looks like we're gonna have to give them a mustache ride they'll never forget"....
Then a group shot of the assembled Joes with a US flag somehow billowing behind them as they all yell "YO JOE"- fade to black, cue original theme and the phrase "Next Summer, it begins

El Chuxter
07-07-2009, 01:25 PM
26A) Roadblock is played by Michael Clarke Duncan, and Jeff Foxworthy is Wild Bill.

mabudonicus
07-07-2009, 03:22 PM
Thanks Chux, that sorta fleshes out my vision- important to note, too, is that in the 2.5 hour "dream sequence" everyone will have been played by totally different actors- perhaps that could even be referenced in a sort of homage to "wizard of Oz", where Duke comments on how everyone was there, but they were all weird and different and really crappy
:beard: Iso&Baws&topes

If you could redeem your ticket stub for several cases of beer that might work too,but the fake-out ending would be the best thing that could happen in-theatre

mtriv73
07-07-2009, 03:41 PM
Scarlett/Baroness love scene!:laugh:

Yeah, pretty much. That would get me to buy it on Blu-ray when it comes out.:thumbsup:

pbarnard
07-07-2009, 03:52 PM
Your choice to is to give a positive review or have your family murdered in front of you. And if you're not moved by that, pick some one or something you care about instead.

JediTricks
07-07-2009, 03:58 PM
A double feature with LXG.

Airing "ESB" with the "GI Joe" title card?

mabudonicus
07-07-2009, 04:31 PM
Hell JT, showing turkish SW with the GI Joe title might even be better than what we're gonna get
:beard: Iso&Baws&topes
Maybe a Rodney Dangerfield cameo could ease the pain?

El Chuxter
07-07-2009, 04:42 PM
Rodney Dangerfield getting no respect as Croc Master?

mabudonicus
07-07-2009, 05:15 PM
maybe a jokey Raptor, I was thinkin, even Croc Master was sorta cool despite having an unorthodox military specialisation
:beard: Iso&Baws&topes
Denis Rodman should be in there too, maybe as alpine (get it, the "tall jokes" would be too easy)

JediTricks
07-07-2009, 05:45 PM
Maybe a Rodney Dangerfield cameo could ease the pain?... and he's dead!

JEDIpartner
07-14-2009, 01:27 PM
27) Getting pulled before it is even released, thus saving the studio and everyone involved the embarrassment of being connected to this steaming pile of poo.

DarthQuack
07-14-2009, 01:46 PM
28) Chuck Norris playing Monkeywrench would save the movie and win it an Oscar.

pbarnard
07-14-2009, 01:52 PM
13) Habro's CEO grows a set and pulls the plug.



27) Getting pulled before it is even released, thus saving the studio and everyone involved the embarrassment of being connected to this steaming pile of poo.

Took care of that one early on. So Chucky as Monkey is 27.

28)CGI'ing Chimps to replace the actors and calling it Space Chimps 2?
29) Replacing it all with marionettes/puppetts and having a puppet on puppet explicit sex scene, oh wait, that was TEAM AMERICA: World Police. n/m

El Chuxter
07-14-2009, 01:58 PM
30) Re-releasing Team America, but with all references to character names replaced by Joe team code names. (This should be incredibly clumsy, a la the "Mister Black" bit from Kamp Krusty. Which is not on YouTube, thank you copyright holders. I doubt short clips online eat into your proft.)

JEDIpartner
07-14-2009, 03:48 PM
Took care of that one early on.

It was an idea so nice we needed to pitch it twice!!! :love:

wawe1
07-14-2009, 04:25 PM
Why does everyone hate this movie already? It isn't even out yet. It's an honest question... I'm trying to figure out if there's something you all know that I missed.

pbarnard
07-14-2009, 04:38 PM
Why does everyone hate this movie already? It isn't even out yet. It's an honest question... I'm trying to figure out if there's something you all know that I missed.

The writers/producer/directors have made horrible movies in the past. Also, it is a big cast movie with lots of interconnected plot threads, these movies typically fail all the time. I count only 2 successful pictures in 50+ years of cinema as having many main characters and a highly interconnected plots (It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, World & Love Actually). I hate it for "movie" reasons, ie every attatched to this project has made stuff that I've not enjoyed in the past. Oh, and you have to try pretty hard to make a plot worse than a Michael Bay movie, but apparently, they've succeeded given that it truely was Paramounts worst tested movie ever. Of course, that means all the half brain dead people who EW/People/TV Guide/US Weekly is their guide to life and liking things, will show up and prove that stupidity and emptiness sell.

wawe1
07-15-2009, 04:08 AM
WHOA! (lol) I think I see your point. Oh well, I'm sure they'll reboot it somehow down the road.

Darth Jax
07-15-2009, 09:44 AM
to know it's gonna be horrible you just have to see the clip from the trailer with the joes skipping down the street in their fancy armor doing gymnastics over missiles.

JEDIpartner
07-15-2009, 11:00 AM
to know it's gonna be horrible you just have to see the clip from the trailer with the joes skipping down the street in their fancy armor doing gymnastics over missiles.

I know... 'cos that is SO G.I. Joe. :rolleyes:

pbarnard
07-15-2009, 11:21 AM
31) REality check, (fully automatic fired) bullets beat ninja's every time. Myth Busters have demonstrated it. Maybe finally they'll get rid of SE/SS for good!

Bel-Cam Jos
07-15-2009, 12:23 PM
32) All the film cannisters/digital films actually have copies of G-Force in them.
33) The 13th Anniversary Edition of G.I.Jane earns several millions of dollars by mistake.
34) One of those "have your meeting in a movie theater" events is at every showing of the film, where film execs across the country ask the fans what would work.

DarthQuack
07-15-2009, 01:26 PM
35) A MIB USS Flagg waiting for me when I got home. :thumbsup:

Ando
07-15-2009, 01:59 PM
36. Character's wearing the costumes/uniforms from the 80's cartoons and toys.

37. "Knowing is half the battle" PSA's every 22 minutes.

38. Hand written, personalized apologies handed out to people as they leave the theater.

39. Cobra Commander gets his hood back.

40. Cameos from Indiana Jones and Optimus Prime breaking the 4th wall and making fun of the movie goers because compared to this, THEIR movies were awesome.

41. Girls jumping on trampolines.

pbarnard
07-15-2009, 02:12 PM
42) Vouchers to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

DarthQuack
07-15-2009, 06:48 PM
43) Slick's Mom as the Baroness!

El Chuxter
07-16-2009, 12:14 AM
Dude, no. Just no. Baroness is supposed to be hot. That's the one thing they got right. Well, that and casting Ray Park.

pbarnard
07-16-2009, 10:44 AM
44) Allowing torture in theaters as it is being shown. Hey, if they want to show it on screen, may as well expierence the real thing, right?

DarkArtist
07-19-2009, 09:45 AM
35) A MIB USS Flagg waiting for me when I got home. :thumbsup:

how about giving away the USS Flagg as well as the Terror Dome and Joe Headqaurters for just buying a ticket.......if you sit through the whole movie you get a complete set of every Hasbro G.I. Joe toy from the 80's shipped directly to your door as an apology as to how crappy the movie is



42) Vouchers to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

these could work too.....going to see HBP tomorrow night with some friends.

Bel-Cam Jos
07-19-2009, 10:50 AM
45) seeing it in the theater for myself, and finding out that the worst parts were shown in the trailers, while sneakily keeping the best scenes unknown until then.

El Chuxter
07-20-2009, 09:37 PM
46) It was filmed as a silent movie. Instead of score, sound effects, or dialogue, the entire movie is set to Billy Ocean singing his greatest hits. We can actually see Billy standing in the foreground. The final battle occurs when Ocean is singing "Carribean Queen (No More Love on the Run)," and Ripcord accidentally hits Billy Ocean during an instrumental break. He doesn't miss a beat in his singing and smacks Ripcord into the Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince screening next door, proving you don't **** with Billy Motha****in' Ocean.

pbarnard
07-20-2009, 10:14 PM
47) Only Big Brawler disguised as Duke, who is disguised as Cobra Commander as a Pink and purple polka dotted ninja can save this movie. Cuz Big Brawler is the only joe who can both be an interior decorator and wear a "Brawlin'" t-shirt.

tagmac
07-20-2009, 10:28 PM
48. Heavy Duty's name changed to Roadblock, and Sgt. Stone's name changed to Flint - the way it should have been all along!

49. The Baroness gets her accent back (from the sound of the trailers, Sienna Miller pulled a Halle Berry a'la X-Men 3 - a shame, too, since other than Snake Eyes, this was the only other character whose look was perfect!)

50. After 5 minutes of that ridiculous mask, Cobra Commander dons a black hood, to finally LOOK like himself (and in yet another scene guarded so well to prevent leaks, the curent mask is actually part of a full breathing apparatus that is topped off with the correct helmet & face shield).

51. Major Bludd actually appears in the movie.

52. The shots of a maskless Destro turn out to be nothing more than pre-production photos, and he actually IS masked for the entire movie. 52a - it actually is a MASK, rather than the explanation on the back of the figure.

pbarnard
07-20-2009, 10:34 PM
48. Heavy Duty's name changed to Roadblock, and Sgt. Stone's name changed to Flint - the way it should have been all along!

Sgt. Stone is more a reference to Sigma 6, so all post 82 joe except Extreme and Sgt Savage, get it.

JimJamBonds
07-20-2009, 11:27 PM
48. Heavy Duty's name changed to Roadblock...


48b. Spinal Tap performs the song "Heavy Duty" at some point during the film.

pbarnard
07-21-2009, 01:40 PM
49. Spinal Tap (combined) is revealed to be the True Cobra Commander
50. States where this film is viewed as positive or likable are immediately excluded from the Union, nuked, and all relatives of anyone from that state within 5 generations is summarily "evolutionary eliminated".

tagmac
07-21-2009, 08:00 PM
53. Rex Lewis is actually bald and named Dr. Minbender, instead of possibly being the guy spoilers may claim him to be.

54. Shipwreck, Deep-Six, Firefly, Barbeque, and every other character made into a movie figure, but not listed on IMDB, actually DO appear in the movie.

Qui-Long Gone
08-06-2009, 06:18 PM
55. Brett Ratner directs the sequel.

56. We murder Brett Ratner and everyone who did this film.

57. Robert Rodrigez or someone good directs a re-imagined movie about GI Joe, the real American hero.

JediTricks
08-06-2009, 06:48 PM
Why does everyone hate this movie already? It isn't even out yet. It's an honest question... I'm trying to figure out if there's something you all know that I missed.The evidence. Trailers, photos, production news, the people involved with the making of it, the fugly toys.



31) REality check, (fully automatic fired) bullets beat ninja's every time. Myth Busters have demonstrated it. Maybe finally they'll get rid of SE/SS for good!
Well, Snake Eyes carries a gun as he's a "Commando", so I guess he's just been really bored going up against Storm Shadow. That'd make an awesome scene, they have a huge ninja battle and then SE just pulls out that uzi on his hip and blows SS away. Oh the fanboys and mass audiences would lose their s**t over that one, but it'd be awesome.

Darth Jax
08-06-2009, 06:52 PM
been done already, indy against the swordsman in cairo. no way they could top that

Ando
08-06-2009, 06:52 PM
Well, Snake Eyes carries a gun as he's a "Commando", so I guess he's just been really bored going up against Storm Shadow. That'd make an awesome scene, they have a huge ninja battle and then SE just pulls out that uzi on his hip and blows SS away. Oh the fanboys and mass audiences would lose their s**t over that one, but it'd be awesome.

AGREED.

Storm Shadow getting put down like the Cairo Swordsman from ROTLA would be pretty awesome.

Bel-Cam Jos
08-06-2009, 07:05 PM
AGREED.

Storm Shadow getting put down like the Cairo Swordsman from ROTLA would be pretty awesome.But what if he bends the bullet, or cuts it in half, or does a Matrix back bend to avoid them? Wouldn't that be lame? I mean, bad? I mean, terrible? Yes.

Darth Jax
08-06-2009, 09:43 PM
could see the soft master managing that, but not storm shadow

El Chuxter
08-06-2009, 10:21 PM
Soft Master was the shiz. I was really hoping for a movie that was more faithful to the comic, with Hama's cameo being SM.

JediTricks
08-07-2009, 02:57 AM
been done already, indy against the swordsman in cairo. no way they could top that
No no, not cloyingly cute like that. As a last resort, all serious, after a ninja battle, the true reason why there aren't ninjas today, blam blam blam blam blam, a spray of bullets across his chest and face. Then, since it's a movie, he could spin around, and hold his arms outstretched behind him one holding his sword like being a ninja made any difference to the outcome.