View Full Version : The SCRIPT to Hasbro's Episode Six: The Return of the Resculpts - Special Edition!

02-25-2002, 06:38 PM
The movie saga continues as the Star Wars fanfare blares out of the THX soundsystem and the opening title scroll goes up:

Star Wars: Episode Six


LUKE SKYWALKER has returned to his home CyberWorld on E-BAY to get at least an in-demand figure of his friend HAN SOLO and secure the assistance of the under-appreciated gangster, JABBA THE HUTT.

Little does Luke know that HASBRO'S RESCULPT EMPIRE has secretly begun construction on a new DEATH STAR DIORAMA, full of even more little-wanted Resculpts of figures we already have than did the first dreaded Power of the Jedi waves, the later Episode One waves, and all of the Flashback waves combined!

When completed, these new, untimely waves of resculpts will spell certain boredom for Star Wars collecting fans struggling to get new never-before-made characters added into the line.............


In Tycho's apartment, a vintage Imperial Shuttle flanked by two TIE Fighters is getting dusted off as two Imperial Officer figures are being added to its control cockpit before it is reset into a large Death Star diorama that's still under construction.

IMPERIAL OFFICER ONE: "We have Formula 409 requesting dust-off of the entire diorama."

[On board one of two vintage Death Star Playsets] DEATH STAR TROOPER ONE: "Transmit a message to Tycho to stop wasting time on the internet and clean his toys off! Meanwhile, you are clean and clear to proceed."

IMPERIAL OFFICER ONE: "We are starting our approach."

John Williams strikes up a nice rendition of Darth Vader's theme song coming through the stereo speakers in the other room.

The vintage shuttle comes in for a landing and the two TIE Fighters are diverted to resume hanging from the ceiling via fishing wire.

TIE PILOT ONE: "Hey Tycho: what do I do if I gotta go to the bathroom and you got my ship hanging up here? Idiot $#(&*#!!!"

TIE PILOT TWO: "He's a real jerk if you ask me!"

Back in the Death Star Diorama the shuttle is docked and Imperial R2-Q5 droids, a red R2 unit, and GNK power droid units are positioning themselves to service it as customized Imperial Ground crewmen move in to do their job while a much-too-large stormtrooper collection gets into position.

IMPERIAL OFFICER [to Death Star Trooper One]: "Inform Darth Vader that no new plans for a shuttle or a Commander have arrived."


Mr. Williams plays his musical score of Vader's theme in a most foreboding manner!

The poor Death Star Trooper's legs are so twitching with nervous energy that he can't even stand up straight as the Imperial Shuttle's boarding ramp slams down and stirs up a new cloud of dust!

Darth Vader stalks forward and takes command!

DEATH STAR TROOPER: "My Lord, we were enamored with your Toy Fair Exclusive!"

VADER: "You may dispense with the pretences Trooper. You know as well as I do that they need a lot more resculpts of me kept in stock or not every kid can get one. I'm here to put you back on schedule!"

DEATH STAR TROOPER: "We are working as hard as we can to come up with more variations."

VADER: "Perhaps I can suggest some more one-pose wonders to really flood the Market with them!"

DEATH STAR TROOPER: "My Lord, I tell you we have a 25th Anniversary 2-pack and a Bespin Attack figure planned."

VADER: "Emperor Hasbrotime does not share your satisfaction with this being enough."

DEATH STAR TROOPER: "But he asks the impossible. We can't propose an Extreme Detail "Generation Y" line and another 14" for you before we even have a Moff Jerjerrod action figure?"

VADER: "Perhaps you can tell him that when he arrives."

DEATH STAR TROOPER: "Emperor Hasbrotime is coming here?"

VADER: "That is correct, Death Star Tripper."

DEATH STAR TROOPER: "We shall double your resculpts and put you as both Anakin and M' Lord in the Generation Y-Line."

VADER: "I should hope so, Trippy, for Your Sake. And The Emperor wants to be resculpted as many times as I have been!"

Williams plays a shockingly brilliant, vibrant, but intensely doom-spelling rendition of Vader's theme as the Dark Lord stalks off into Tycho's diorama and the scene cuts...

to the Cyberscape of E-BAY...


R2D2 and C-3PO are moving along from back-page to back-page not getting any bids on, as they are using the search engine to find Jabba the Hutt.

At last they locate a packaged deal that includes the RARE and VHTF Qui-Gon and the Eopiee.

3PO notes down the listing.

THREEPIO: "Artoo, hold on and let me bookmark this link. We are so lucky to be following Lando Calrissian and Chewbacca to this wonderful page!"

Artoo warbles something.

THREEPIO: "Don't be so pessimistic. We've only seen half the never-before-made droids that could be sculpted from this wonderful place."

Threepio notes the next bidding price is well over $70.

THREEPIO: "R2, are you sure we can e-mail the seller without paying the price?"

Artoo acknowledges him.

THREEPIO: "Well, I should check his feedback rating I suppose."

He clicks the feeback rating link.

THREEPIO: "He's got well over 1,000 successful sales - he's a scalper?! Let's go back and tell Master Luke."

R2 reaches out with his dataplug and clicks the main auction link.

The new page loads.

THREEPIO: "R2, I really don't think we should rush into all of this!"

He sees the scalper's other auctions including a B'Omarr Monk for $40.00.

THREEPIO: "R2 - wait for me!"

Suddenly R2 and Threepio are surrounded by Jabba's other auction listings for Skiff Guard 3-packs, MOMC Gamorreans with Freeze Frames, even an expensive Weequay FF.

THREEPIO: "One hundred dollars! Oh my!"

A tall alien with an evil-but-badazz Twi'lek headsculpt, yet for some reason with robes that close worse than a hospital gown, approaches them.

It's Beg ForResculpt!

FOR-RESCULPT: "[What do you want?]"

THREEPIO: "We bring a message for your Master, Jabba the Hutt."

Artoo warbles something.

THREEPIO: "And a gift."

[Turns to R2] - "Gift? What gift?"

FOR-RESCULPT: "[If it's a petition for me to get a Resculpt, I might let you leave before my guards rip you apart....]"

ForResculpt bends down (if that's possible) to examine R2 more closely but the little droid gets right back in his face!

R2D2: {Screw you, You worthless old pegwarmer! I'm a MOMC variation packaged with Holo-Graphic Leia and your Master would rip those maggots out of your freaking head if he saw you ruin a perfect-money making figure like me before he had the chance to scalp a variation of this kind!}

THREEPIO: "I'm afraid he's right. Terribly sorry, but we know you can't auction us yourself - what with your feedback rating..."

FOR-RESCULPT (growls)... "[Come on then!]"

They enter the main UserProfile Page for Jabba the Hutt!

Beg For-Resculpt approaches his Master and makes the introduction.

THREEPIO: "The message, R2. The Message!"

R2D2 turns his Princess Leia Hologram on as Jabba's eyes open wide and he spits out a Chubba as the price tag on this little droid registers in his mind!

Slowly he begins to focus on the message....

PRINCESS LEIA HOLOGRAM: "Grettings mighty Jabba. I know that this message should be from Luke Skywalker as a Jedi Knight and a full-sized hologram, but that these new figures don't exist is part of our problem.

I also know that you are playing host to Boba Fett and a friend of mine, Han Solo. I know that they each want new sculpts, but that your desire for more aliens that serve you is equally powerful.

I seek an audience with your Greatness to combine our efforts and petition Hasbro to make more figures like Ephont Mon! I am sure with your huge amount of never-made-characters from your Court, as well as with the much needed additions to my Alliance Forces, we can develop a Most-Wanted List that will be mutually beneficial and help us to avoid any more unwanted resculpts.

As a token of my good will, I present you a gift: these two droids."

THREEPIO: "What did she say?!"

LEIA HOLO: "Both will soon be stars of a new movie who's stock will be valuable, and Artoo-Deeto is guarding all of the combined complaints and requests for new figures listed and e-mailed to Hasbro by all of the fans."

THREEPIO: "This is part of the plan? Artoo, I just hope Mighty Jabba is not put off by this message."

JABBA THE HUTT: "There might be some kind of a bargain."

THREEPIO: "We're saved!"

JABBA THE HUTT [points to Han Solo in Carbonite Hanging on his collection picture page in a cardboard palace diorama] : "If I get that chic in a string bikini tied to me with a chain, I might be persuaded to agree to get Solo a deluxe edition, while that Princess of yours becomes my favorite decoration!"

THREEPIO [aside to R2]: "R2, look that doesn't do us much good. A new Captain Solo might be exciting, but the Princess would still be a Resculpt!"

A kowokian lizard-monkey named Salacious Crumb (by a pretty, green Twi'lek dancer) looks at an identical kowokian lizard monkey named Salacious Crumb standing by an Amanin Headhunter and lets out a sqeaky but evil sounding laugh.

The guards start to take Threepio and R2 away into a dungeon diorama as the story continues....

02-25-2002, 11:50 PM
A pair of really well-sculpted Gamorrean Guards lead Artoo and Threepio through a series of collection pictures towards one of the Droid Torture Chamber.

THREEPIO: "What more articles of clothing can possibly come off Mistress Leia? Would she let herself be chained to that Hutt?"

"Oh dear! What are we doing?"

The droids are escorted into a diorama with a Gonk droid being turned upside down and an 8D8 unit playing with an oversize accessory and the GNK droid's featured button that makes his legs move.

GONK: "[Whew-hew! Look at my new feature!]"

Suddenly R2D2 and C-3PO are brought before a tall, female operations droid with 3 eyes that seem to glow. EV-9D9 makes her appearance!

EV-9D9: "Ah, Poo-Doo. Useless acquisitions."

"You are a Peg-Warming Droid, are you not?"

C-3PO: "I am C-3PO Millennium Minted Coin Figure and I was technically shelf -warming if you must know the truth."

EV-9D9: "Yes or no will do."

C-3PO: "Well yes then I suppose. I am worthless in over six-million variations and can readily gather dust at ratios of -"

EV-9D9: "Pathetic, any which way you cut it."

"How many Resculpts do you have?"

C-3PO: "Well, if you want to count my Green Japanese Variation..."

EV-9D9: "Nevermind, our Master got angry when our last two stocks of droids just sat around and had to be discounted by him."

C-3PO: "Discounted? Oh-my!"

EV-9D9: "Guard, this Peg-Warming Droid is really useless. See if you can spell well-enough to e-mail the company and request an interesting feature for a Resculpt! Then find out if he's really starring in some new film that will bring out audiences to see us in a theater!"

"He might yet be worth hanging on to. Learn what you can, and if it's true, take him back to the Master so he can start scalping autographed tickets!"

C-3PO: "Artoo, why can't even you believe in me?"

Threepio is taken back to Jabba's Palace diorama.

R2 bleeps some invectives. EV turns to study the droid with the little hologram.

EV-9D9: "Well, your a valuable little one, and you'll soon run up quite a high auction. I have listed you as a Featured Item and I'm sure you'll turn quite a scalper's ransom. Now let's take a look at those collector demand e-mails."

R2 starts to download fan letters from all the websites requesting figures from J'Quille and Herme Odel, to Crix Madine and General Reikeen.


Meanwhile Jabba the Hutt is having a party!

Almost all the best-sculpted figures in the entire line are invited, so long as they don't have any Imperial associations.

02-26-2002, 12:22 AM
Max Reebo is playing the keyboards and chanting "I need to find my Weequay! Where is Ak-Revv?"

Sy Snootles is singing "Let's get Rappertune."

Lyn Mie, Rystall, and Greeta are providing backup vocals that chime in: "I want to dance with somebody - sombody like Yarna."

Ephont Mon is late to the party, and Amanaman only has a picture of him to help the Headhunter imagine the Chevin's big noggin embalmed on his staff.

Dengar is looking for his backpack and Bossk can't help him find it because his eyes are crossed.

Tessek is using his hidden quick draw to score blaster holes under a late cousin of Greedo's new vest.

An Ishi Tibb is trying to beg Jabba to not auction the Eopiee so he can hide his Rebel uniform and borrow Qui-Gon's peasant cloak.

Yak-Face is trying to get drunk so he can live down Ree-Yees picking on him for being an original sculpt and actually peg-warming while the Gran became a Fan Club Exclusive.

Jabba's getting mad at Oola because she can't at least get memberships in her special exclusives club to get Seargeant Doallyn, J'Quille, Herme, and any Elomin produced. Finally he has enough of her protesting it's impossible and he calls in the Rancor Keeper with his friend, the awesome, giant Rancor Monster!

Oola screams as the Monster rips off his Factory2You discount sticker and marks down Oola so she's less and less valuable and then all of the 100's of Malakali pegwarmers suddenly feel like they can find her more approachable to dance with them.

Oola screams again! no - make that 200 Malakali's!

Jabba sighs. This is going to be a long night...

Suddenly, a blaster shot is heard. Boba Fett tries to check if his new firing missle has accidently gone off, but for all his new articulation, he can't turn around and see even half-way behind him.

The Bounty Hunter Boussh and Chewbacca in Chains have arrived!

BOUSSH: "I've come because of the bounty on the Wookiee."

C-3PO will speak for Jabba...

THREEPIO: "The limited poseable Jabba bids you welcome but says the Wookiee isn't worth paying you a reward of even one-ninety-five."

BOUSSH: "That's the problem - there are 7 Resculpts of him and still more in counting."

THREEPIO: "There are still resculpts coming?"

JABBA [shoves C-3PO out of the way] "Still more coming?!!"

THREEPIO: "What did I say?"

JABBA: "Tell the Bounty Hunter I better get my Whipid or I'll melt that Wookiee figure down and make it customized!"

THREEPIO: "The Mighty Jabba asks why he hasn't gotten J'Quille marketed yet."

The bounty hunter moves and draws out a little blue corporate logo.

BOUSSH: "See Hasbro!"

THREEPIO: "He's holding the Corporate Letterhead!"

All of the awesome creatures in the whole palace shudder or vomit! Boba Fett tries his best to aim in the other bounty hunter's direction, but his Anniversary figure can't turn in that direction!

Jabba only laughs....

02-26-2002, 02:01 PM
JABBA: "Ho-ho-ho-hah-ha-ha-haaah"

"That company is the greatest rip-off artist if I ever saw one: vindictive and frustrating."

"Tell the Bounty Hunter the Wookiee can stay at the party if I can negotiate with Boussh as a representative of Hasbro so that I can get my direct orders before Brian's Toy and Amok Time. That way I can scalp some new stuff and make a fortune!"

THREEPIO: "Jabba suggests that as a representative of Hasbro you can help turn another fan into a real low-life and he would like to hear what you can offer."

The bounty hunter lowers his Hasbro Corporate Identity Badge and the rest of Jabba's Court boos and hisses, or just grumbles, sighs, and returns to drinking more. Beg For-Resculpt approaches Boussh to try and corner him to address his own personal demands.

Several Gamorrean Guards lead Chewbacca away to show him all the friends he might have amongst the back-stock that never sells. About 12 Malakali's join them. In disguise as an extra from Gladiator, Lando Calrissian observes the procession of events from afar, with growing concern.

The party cautiously continues on.


Late in the middle of the night, when almost no buyers and sellers are logged on, the Bounty Hunter Boussh re-enters the Palace Diorama, quietly carrying a large, flat box. He approaches the Han Solo in Carbonite Freezing Chamber Point Zero-Zero-Zero-Zero variation and quickly glances around. Seeing no one noticing what he's doing, Boussh quickly uses the edit image feature and switches the rare Han for a new figure with an all-new-likeness, wet hair, and a unfrozen carbonite block. Han doesn't quite fit in this carbonite piece right anyway, so he quickly falls to the floor.

Han stumbles to turn over. Boussh helps him.

BOUSSH: "Just relax. You've become less collectible and are free from most scalper's sights."

HAN: "My zero-zero card, my price? What happened to them?"

BOUSSH: "You're going to be packaged with this new cardboard diorama in this box I brought along. Your price will climb up in time."

HAN: "What is it?"

BOUSSH: "Jabba's Palace. I've got to win a bargain here."

HAN: "Who are you?"

Boussh removes his helmet to reveal not a "him," but the beautiful face of "a her!" It's Princess Leia! (well duh...who did you think I was going to make it be?)

She offers her answer to Han:

LEIA: "Someone who loves you."

HAN: "Chewbacca?"

LEIA: "No, Leia! Only my first figure looked like Chewbacca. Remember?"

"Now I've got to offer Jabba an alliance - he gets this new sculpt of you and a way to market his palace diorama which might rally his fans to demand more aliens and droids from this action sequence."

Suddenly they hear a thunderous, low rumbling laugh:


It is followed by the slippery sounds of oozing goo.

HAN: "What was that?"

"I know that sound. That's that gunk coming out of a Jabba Glob!"

Suddenly, Han and Leia are surrounded by Jabba's Minnions!

[and we pause for a little while as Tycho researches back into the Old Forums for the reason Solo and Jabba have a back-history from the Script to E4: A New Resculpt - even I don't remember at the moment right now : P ]

02-26-2002, 02:28 PM
[OK - I got it now. This fits in good! Chuxter and Bel-Cam originally wrote the back story for Solo's debt and wow! I can't say I planned this part to go this way, but it really works... so let's continue!]

HAN: "Hey Jabba. I was just on my way to pay you back for those CommTech cases when I got a little side-tracked."

JABBA: "It's been two years too late for that Solo, and apparently I had to pay Boba Fett to force you to help me, but I finally got your R2 with Leia Holo!"

HAN: "Well Jabba, he's got a starring role in Hasbro's Episode Two - "Resculpts of the Clones?" and I swear I can smuggle you out some of his blue-cards! Just give me a chance. If we scalp them now we could make a fortune! Don't throw it all away and be a fool!"

JABBA [disgusted with Han] : "Take him away and dump him with the Malakali's! Did you think a cardboard playset was going to pacify me? I want plastic!"

(globs of green Nalaa Tree Frogs spew out of the Hutt's mouth and gather in slime at the base of his massive body)

Jabba turns toward Princess Leia!

JABBA: "Strip search her for evidence she's had her boyfriend's Zero-Zero package she ripped me off for, then leave her in a bikini chained up in this great, sticky goo with Dear Old Loveable Me!"

"Ho-Ho-ha-haah-haaaaa. I win again!"

03-26-2002, 02:40 PM
While everyone's looking for "funnies," I thought I'd recycle this thread and continue on completing the movie.

Han Solo is being thrown into a discard bin with Chewbacca and a gang of Malakalis in the backstock of infamous E-bay Scalper Jabba the Hutt's.

Meanwhile, Princess Leia, chained up to the Mighty Jabba wearing nothing but "Fredricks of Alderaan" is still trying to negotiate an alliance with the Scalping Lord so that under-represented figures from the Alliance's General Reikeen to Jabba's men J'Quille and Sgt. Doallyn get produced.

They must band together to fight the evil Emperor Hasbrotime who wants to flood the Market with resculpts of Jedi and Sith characters, who have formed an unholy alliance of their own to make sure background characters never see the pegs.

It could be up to Luke Skywalker, apprentice Jedi Knight to decide who will win: the resculpts or the rebels!!!

As the story continues, Han Solo reflects on this from his back-stocked junk bin located in the Hutt's E-bay extras page....

03-28-2002, 10:02 PM
HAN: "Malakali? Is that you?"

Suddenly Han Solo is surrounded by a bunch of bald guys with man-boobs wearing towels over their heads. They all look angry and they all are carrying vibroblades on the ends of spear tips!

HAN: "What is this? An American Airlines security stop?"

MALAKALI #1: "Hey Han, why did you leave us at Target?! Huh? Huh? You could have given us your stormtrooper belt and made us a Force-File! You're a hero, you could have sold without the accessories, but Nyyyoo! - You had to leave us there in the hands of the Empire and their incompetant merchandisers!"

HAN: "What do you mean give you my stormtrooper belt?! You've so over-exceeded your shipping weight that my hard-won trophy I took from the Empire wouldn't have fit around your neck let alone your waist!"

MALAKALI: "I was considering it for an ankle bracelet. I thought maybe I could dance for Jabba in light of the palace still missing a figure of Yarna."

HAN: "Well, you're well on your way to looking like her, that's for sure!"

"But what were you going to do with a Force-File? You can't even read! Who was it going to list for your Allies? Sarah-Lee, Betty Crocker, and Mrs. Butterworth? And with that thing you call a pet, the only enemies I ever can conceive of you having to worry about are Jenny Craig, Richard Simmons, and Oprah Winfrey! -and they don't have action figures!"

MALAKALI: "Yet..."

HAN: "Look, there's nothing I can do about it. Even I can't see a fair price, Pal."

MALAKALI: "Yeah, well what about Luke?"

HAN: "Luke? Luke's crazy! He can't change the mismanagement of the Power of the Jedi line much less even get all his various movie attire sculpted in figures made for himself."

MALAKALI: "I've heard he's a Jedi Knight."

HAN: "A Jedi Knight? Look, I've been out of it for a little while, but all of us main cast members get over-merchandised every once in a while..."

03-28-2002, 10:07 PM
But now, Luke Skywalker has logged on to E-bay and entered Jabba's Scalper Page himself!

The path of the black-clad figure is blocked by two enormous Gamorrean Guards, but Luke merely points a finger at each of them and says:

LUKE: "Nice sculpt boys! Keep up the great job!"

They let him pass.

Then Beg ForResculpt steps out of the shadows!!

03-28-2002, 11:00 PM
BEG FOR-RESCULPT: "You're the Jedi Knight Luke Skywalker! They made you wearing high heels? Though he'd roll on his fat flab laughing, Jabba doesn't want to see you! He's got the Rare, VHTF Droid and the Princess. He doesn't need you for anything!"

LUKE: "I am the Rare and VHTF Theater Edition!"

BEG FOR-RESCULPT: "The Theater Editon?!"

LUKE: "I also have a tan vest."

BEG FOR-RESCULPT: "A tan vest would be really swell !"

LUKE: "And my lightsaber is the innie-outer kind versus the outer-innie one."

BEG FORRESCULPT: "I am going to make such a fortune..."

They enter the throne room diorama, but Jabba is sleeping....

Beg For Resculpt wakes the Mighty Jabba up by nudging him with his arm and for that he is summarily shot by a flying Chubba launched out of the big Hutt's mouth.

Beg For Resculpt, wounded, staggers back to his master's side.

BEG FOR RESCULPT [makes the introduction]: "The Jedi Knight: Luke Skywalker."

JABBA: "I told you not to admit him!"

LUKE: "Most people had to wait in lines to even see me!"

BEG FOR RESCULPT: "We have to wait in a line to see him."

JABBA [switches to his Jabba Glob sculpt and seizes For-Resculpt by the neck and vomits slime all over him!]: "You weak minded fool! I'm a scalper - I got cases of that figure in my back stock-room!"

The Hutt throws For-Resculpt away from him.

Luke takes note of the beautiful Princess chained to the Hutt, trying to keep her new soft-goods out of the vomit.

LUKE: "You're striking a bargain with Princess Leia here, and her friends. You will either profit from this or never ever see Herme Odel and J'Quille, let alone Yarna D'Gargon. It's your choice, but I'm warning you not to over-estimate the line's continued Marketing Power."

03-30-2002, 12:22 PM
Power of the Jedi did not last long.

Bel-Cam Jos
04-01-2002, 11:15 AM
Luke: "I am taking any prototype Hans, Leias, and Landos you have, plus unproduced Cinema Scenes."
Jabba: "Hoh hoh, hoh hoh. Your 'Wish Lists' have no effect on me, boy. I shall enjoy watching your variants rise in value."
Threepio: "Master Luke, you're-"
Luke tries to fire his gun, but remembering he's not the Vintage version, he has no gun! Jabba hits a switch on his bootleg POTF2 throne set, and Luke tumbles down, but he tried to brace himslef with a Freeze Frame Gamorrean Guard. The dented corners on the cards plummet the value of each figure. All the sculpted Jabba's palace aliens peek over the edge to view the carnage.

Luke tries to fling off his Jedi cloak, but since it's a molded plastic, not cloth, one, he knocks himslef over. The G Guard tries desparately to get out of the pit, knowing he'll never be bought if his dented blister isn't fixed to Mint condition properly by a true scalper restorer.

Threepio: "Oh no! The Restore-cor!"

Bel-Cam Jos
04-03-2002, 05:27 PM
The aliens laugh evilly as the Restore-cor growls and places auctions for "MOMC" Vintage carded figures, that are horrendously re-packaged. Luke looks on in horror, as the Gamorrean Guard is put on a vintage ESB card, with a POTF2 axe weapon and a $6.99 TRU price tag. The sucker eBay bidders swallow up the "rare" figure.
Threepio: "How horrid! I can't look."

Luke tries to hide his dented blister corners, but a Restore-cor can sense repairs it feels are necessary and reaches for Theater Edition Luke. Luke hides under a Planet of the Apes figure box as the creature pokes its fingers to grab him. Turning briefly into the Deluxe Creature with Rancor Luke, he hits the Restore-cor with the bone, and the beast drops his hot glue gun, burning his fingers. It screams in pain as the glue has dripped on the "authentic" Kenner card. Luke sees an exit behind the creature; a negative feedback button. If only he can reach it in time...!

El Chuxter
04-04-2002, 11:31 AM
As the restore-cor approaches and the music builds in intensity, Luke sees a bone lying on the ground. He picks it up and looks around with a vacant expression (not unlike the expression you'd expect from a retarded anteater embryo who suddenly finds himself in a theater playing Moulin Rouge).

"This is the dumbest accessory I've ever been packaged with!" he mutters, tossing the bone absently at the wall.

"Stupid brat," mutters the Obi-Wan Jell-O mold, who makes an unauthorized cameo. "Never using the power of the Market when he should be!" Obi-Wan closes his eyes, and the bone hits the negative feedback button dead center.

The negative feedback crushes the restore-cor into a mass of goo!

An army of Malakilis push their way into the pit, crying. "Now we have no hope of being passed off as vintage Rancor Keepers. We'll destined for a long, painful shelf life."

Jabba the Glob is mortified. "Bring the resculpts to me!" he roars in Huttese. Then he says some other nonsense.

"The honorable Jabba the Glob says that you are to be condemned to Rite Aid," says C-3PO.

"Can't be any worse than this!" says Han.

"There you will learn a new meaning for the word suffering as you pegwarm for one thousand years!"

Han and Luke look at each other, horrified. Mara Jade sneaks up behind Luke, hoping to fulfill the Emperor's wishes, but she finds herself snatched up by a scalper before she can issue a Luke Skywalker: Valiant Death resculpt.

Bel-Cam Jos
04-04-2002, 01:18 PM
Flying in a Hasbro "Episode I Wave 1" box (since there has yet to be a Sail Barge made), Jabba's court heads to unknown regions. In a smaller lid to a box (you can call it a Desert SKU), our captured heroes head to the Doomed Sea and the Great Pit of Crapcoon. Han and Luke have what could be their last conversation.
Han: "The quality of Hasbro's work must be improving. Instead of terribly misspelled Force Files I see partially mispelled (sp? :p ) ones."
Luke: "Don't worry. There's no new product here. I used to be the greatest pegwarmer, you know."
Han: "Your X-Wing version's gonna end up that way, you know? Convenient."
Luke: "Just request an Endor Victory Celebration cinema scene with Chewie and Lando. I've taken care of everything."
Han: "Endor? Great. More rescuplts..."

The Desert SKU lid comes to a stop, as Threepio steps up to the COMMtech Reader to signal the death of the SW line...

Bel-Cam Jos
04-10-2002, 11:06 AM
Threepio: "How might I serve you? What do you mean 'naked'?"
Jabba: "Talkdroid! What are you doing?"
Threepio: "I do wish I had a Classic Trilogy COMMtech. My E1 lines make little sense here."
Jabba: "Say, 'The Great Jabba will now listen for your pleas for new figures,' now!"
Threepio: "The Great Jabba will now listen for your pleas for new figures now!"
Han: "Threepio! You tell that slimy, no-good piece of glob-ridden plastic, he'll get no such requests from us! Right?"
Lando, Chewbacca, and Luke all cancel sending their e-mails to starwars.hasbro.com.
All Three: "Uh, right!"

04-10-2002, 05:09 PM
Luke nods to R2-D2 who pops out of the top of the larger Episode One case and positions his booster rockets over an abort message key. The complete text of all the past few years' worth of collectors' e-mails, suggestions, and consumer complaints held hostage!

All of Jabba's courtiers nervously laugh.

LUKE: "Jabba: this is your last chance! You get Herme, but only for Garven Dreis!"

JABBA: "Mail them to Rite-Aid! - and send them 4th Class!"

Bel-Cam Jos
04-18-2002, 10:55 AM
Weequay Skiff Guard FF pokes his force pike into the bubble of Theater Edition Luke, dropping its collectibility towards the Pit of Crapcoon. However, in an amazing Jedi power, the dent pops back out, with no visible damage. Jabba's cohort is stunned! Luke has become the Complete Galaxy version, slashing prices on various Jabba's Skiff Guards cinema scenes, sending them to KBs everywhere. The scalpers on board the Hasbro "Episode I Wave 1" box gasp. Skiff Lando changes back and forth between his Hologram and Freeze Frame versions, in his battle with a guard.
Jabba: "Get them off the shelves!"
Leia sends a Buy-One-Get-One-Free coupon to all the Sunday newspapers in the galaxy, briefly turning the lights out on the scalpers' market and spreading chaos...

Mandalorian Candidat
04-25-2002, 06:15 PM
The flurry of activity sends a very dusty Lando Skiff Guard over the edge of Tatooine Skiff right into the pit of the Scalpaar-lac.

"Aah my eyes! I haven't seen the light of day since that brat hid me under the shelves at Walgreen's in 1997. Help me Han!"

Just then, Lego Desert Skiff Han appears and offers him a very stunted vibropole. "Sorry Lando, the Carbonite Han got called away by Lucasfilm to stand in for Harrison Ford on Indy 4. Looks like Harrison's age makes him unbelieveable for the role. I'm his replacement for now."

Lando reaches up to grab the pole, but his weight is too great for the little Legoman to handle. Lego Han's torso comes right out of his legs and falls deep into the Scalpaar-lacs greedy hands.

Moments later another item is listed on ebay...

Meanwhile, Theatre Edition Jedi Luke is tied up by AOTC Boba Fett. "Where the heck did you come from? I was expecting your fully grown version!"

"Sorry, since my grown-up self has been scalped numerous times, all that's left is me. There's plenty to go around since I was just cloned, I mean, released a couple of days ago."

"No problem," said Luke as he easily picks him up and gently tosses him to the waiting Scalpaar-lac.

04-27-2002, 03:17 AM
Meanwhile, unwittingly calling upon her inner strength in the ways of the Market, Leia signals the purchasers at Pick N Save, and they take out Jabba!

Just before the Scalpaar-lac tries to ditch an overly-common Lando at some outrageous auction price, Calrissian calls for his friends.

LANDO: "Help! Chewie!"

Han Carb returns from his Indy script reading just in time!

HAN: "Lando!"

- "Chewie, grab my Depens, I'm still aging!"

"Hang on Lando! Grab on!"

Han hangs over the side of the Desert SKU and waves a Target Stores raincheck just barely within Lando's reach!

Suddenly a VHTF Weequay FF tries to grab Lando and take him down the Scalpaar-lac's bottomless pit of immorality along with him.

LANDO: "Yee-ooowwww!"

HAN: "Chewie, log us in!"

LANDO: "Wait, I think you can hit 'Buy it now!' "

HAN: "Trust me. It's alright. I can write a lot better than Hasbro."

"OK, I'm e-mailing the seller!"

"Chewie and me can pull this off!"

Meanwhile R2D2 has found Princess Leia.

LEIA: "Come on! We gotta clear out of here!"

They spot the Salacious Crumb clones by their friend C-3PO.

THREEPIO: "Artoo! Help the price!"

R2D2 removes the 'Sold Out' label from the Fan Club's online store and Oola is made available again! (you knew they had extras...)

They climb outside of the large Episode One box and emerge up on top just as Luke arrives, fighting his way toward them through an army of Malakalis.

LUKE: "Get the gun. Aim for the Deluxe!"

Leia races to claim her resculpt and kill her sales value she might have got with her .00 hologram card.

LUKE: "Come on!"

They leap from the Episode One case and land safely on a Desert Skiff vehicle piloted by Lando!

HAN: "We sent the Scalper our Target Raincheck for another Skiff along with that Freeze Frame Weequay, and he sent us the last of his stash of exclusive vehicles!"

LUKE: "What a sucker! Don't forget that's just about an even trade!"

LANDO: "We've got game!"

Together, our heroes collect the droids and race off across E-bay's cyberspace on their new-found Desert Skiff, leaving Jabba and all his Scalper-kind no worse, but no better either.

It was a narrow escape, but they have yet to face an even greater danger....


Far, far away, in Tycho's Death Star Diorama, the soldiers of the Empire assemble for Emperor Hasbrotime's arrival!

Darth Vader uses his gunner station's resculpt to kneel before his master as 6 Crimson Guards do nothing at all.

EMPEROR: "Rise my friend."

VADER: "The resculpts will be avaiable in short time."

EMPEROR: "You've sold well Lord Vader. And now I sense your wish to resculpt young Skywalker."

VADER [pauses]: "Yes my Master."

EMPEROR: "Patient. Yes, this time a Bespin Tragedy Patient we'll put out. And then you must get him back in Tatooine White. He has grown strong and even together his most recent figures have not stagnated the line."

VADER: "We could only wish..."

EMPEROR: "Hmmm. Everything will slow down as I have dreamed."

Hasbrotime's evil laugh resounds throughout the room as the scene fades into the shadows and we move into an uncertain time...

Bel-Cam Jos
04-28-2002, 12:02 AM
An unused scene that was filmed...

Our heroes head back to their ships, but a terrible sandstorm arises! It is hard to hear the COMMtechs over the winds.
Han (Chewie?): "Harrgan kee chovolla, apu qwik eemart?"
Luke (Lando?): "It's hard to barggle nargglevas."
Han-bacca: "Shrkm, heppan whoosville soos!"
Leia (R2?): "Voot beep ba-roop boop!"

The bubbles on some of the characters begin to get the scratches and dents like toy hiders inflict. Force Files have even more horrendous spelling, if that is possible. It gets even harder to hear.
Lukdo Skyrissian: "Scuse me while I kiss this guy."
Le2-Dgana: "Oh no. We gotta go. Yeah yeah yeah-yeah."

Understandably, this scene was cut from the film. :rolleyes:

04-28-2002, 12:41 AM
Once our heroes are safely back to their starships and exiting Tatooine's hospitality for the sanctuary of hyperspace, Luke receives a comm signal from the Millennium Falcon.

It's LEIA: "Hurry back. The Alliance is assembling a new product demand list."

LUKE: "I know my wish list."

HAN [cuts in on the commlink]: "Hey Luke. Thanks for coming out for that Endor Resculpt for me. That will keep me in the cause. I owe YOU an Artoo with Hologram now!"

Luke smiles as the two ships veer off in separate directions.

Artoo warbles a question.

LUKE: "That's right R2. We're going back to Grand Admiral Thrawn's place and to his Dagobah Playset's location. I have a compromise to make with an old fuddy-duddy from his collection...."


Following being strip-searched for weapons at no less than 2 airports Luke had layovers at, his Bacta Tank version is wearing all that's left of Luke's accessories by the time he arrives at Thrawn's home.

This time he immediately gains an audience with the Jedi Master Yoda.

YODA: "That face you make. Look I so insensitive to your ideals I do?"

LUKE: "Yup. That about sums it up."

YODA: "Well, when 900 years you reach, look as good in your underwear you will Not!"

Yoda coughs and struggles to admire his 1995 red card. He tosses it aside and Luke hands him his Flashback card. Yoda grunts and tosses that one out of his way too and pushes his way past the Complete Galaxy Dagobah set, then starts to lovingly stroke his Rare Green Holo Card, and sets it neatly down next to his "Episode One" Episode One card. Yoda sighs.

YODA: "Too boring I fear I've become. Need a resculpt I do. Clearance Sales are upon me, and soon my demand must fall."

LUKE: "Master Yoda, even you can't keep up that kind of appeal."

YODA: "Strong in the Market I am, but not without a lightsaber, some kind of action feature, and a blue card could I pull it off."

LUKE: "But I need your help. I've come back to learn who I need to complete the Jedi Council."

YODA: "No more Jedi Council Members do you require. More main characters - that's what you need."

LUKE: "But at least they are Jedi!"

YODA: "Ooooh. No. Not yet. One thing remains. Vader. You must resculpt Darth Vader. Only after about 5 or 6 more will another Jedi Council member be so smart to make."

Luke clenches his fist in frustration. This is going nowhere!

Finally, he decides to let go with a most disturbing question that's been nagging him for the longest time:

LUKE: "Master Yoda, is JarJar Crap my grandfather?"

04-28-2002, 01:04 AM
YODA: "Resculpts I need. Yes, Resculpts."

LUKE: "Yoda, I must know."

YODA: "Your grandfather he is."

John Williams strikes up a sad melody as the terrible truth dawns on Luke like twin suns over his Tatooine sculpt.

YODA: "Seen his resemblance to your X-wing pilot figure you did?"

Luke sadly nods.

YODA: "Pathetic this is. And unfortunate."

LUKE: "Unfortunate that I know the truth?"

YODA: "No! Unfortunate that your POTJ figure was so ugly you had to look like him!"

"Not ready for a Resculpt you were."

LUKE: "Well man, when I looked in the mirror, was I ever Really Sorry!"

YODA: "Luke, remember the Jedi's strength flows from the Resculpt. But beware of the Dark Side of the Market: variety, selection, decent distribution. If once you encourage more collectors into the hobby, forever will they keep the action figures away from the children."

YODA: "Luke, when Resculpted am I, a hot figure I will be!"

"Luke, the Market is strong for a Resculpt of your Bespin figure."

"Hang out with me in Collection 1."

"Luke, do not underestimate the demand of the Children, or suffering Playmate's Star Trek line's fate we will be."

"Luke, there is another JarJar."

And with that last word, Yoda is scooped up and packaged away as the collector Grand Admiral Thrawn makes room for his new Episode 2 toys.

Luke staggers away, stunned.

He heads back to his bacta tank, where Artoo is dutifully waiting for him.

LUKE: "I can't do it Artoo. I can't go on without any clothes!"

A disturbance in the Market signals the approach of another Spirit of Obi-Wan.

BEN: "Yoda was offering you Jedi Robes."

LUKE: "Obi-Wan!"

"Why didn't you tell me? You told me JarJar Crap finally sold out!"

BEN: "Luke, what I told you was true, from a certain point of sales."

LUKE: "A certain point of sale?"

BEN: "Luke, you're going to find that many of the sell-out prices we are victims of, depend greatly on our own Resculpt's next Market value."

"When I first knew your Grandfather, JarJar was already dominating the racks - no one wanted him. I took it upon myself to find him a fish. I then thought I could sell him just as well with a pitdroid. I was wrong."

LUKE: "There's still a bunch of him out there."

BEN: "Moreso at K-mart than anywhere else."

LUKE: "I can't do it Ben. I can't stand to see another Resculpt of JarJar!"

BEN: "You cannot escape our destiny. You must hang on the racks with JarJar Crap just as your father did before you."

LUKE: "Yoda spoke of another."

BEN: "The next one he was speaking of was from "Resculpts of the Clones???!"

LUKE: "Resculpts of the Clones???!" Sounds kind of redundant doesn't it?"

04-28-2002, 01:20 AM
BEN: "You were resculpted only after you'd been Cloned!"

"Emperor Hasbrotime knew as I did, that if Anakin were to have any offspring, they could become excellent pegwarmers along with him. So when you turned out to be such a whining little complainer, you were Cloned when you were born. That is the reason why your sister looks like she's a man."

LUKE (thinking to himself....'Boy is Han in for a big surprise!')

LUKE: "Leia. Leia is a man!"

BEN: "Your inside didn't serve you so well when you were kissing him!"

"But his real name, his given name is Lawrence Skywalker, and he's actually a trans-sexual - but that's not really important right now."

"Luke, bury your feelings deeply now. Hard to find figures seldom get returned to our retailers for store credit. But the overproduction of trans-sexual action figures could be our first new type of pegwarmer to expand the Star Wars line even beyond Playboy's Empire!"

With that, the Spirit of Obi-Wan Kenobi fades away and leaves Luke with a lot to think about.

The young Jedi shudders - either from the cold, hard truth, or the horror of it all. Bare-skinned, except for his hydro-undies, Luke slowly dons his dark Jedi robes....

06-04-2002, 06:49 AM
At a secret redezvous point at one of the last remaining FAO Schwartz stores, the Rebel Alliance is preparing for a massive battle!

Han Solo enters the Star Wars section and spots Lando Calrissian and immediately approaches him.

HAN: "Well, look at you: posed spread-eagled!"

LANDO: "Somebody told the Calamari Security about racial profiling."

HAN: "Well don't think it was me pal. But you're the one that HAD to have a carbon freezing chamber..."

LANDO: "I'm surprised you didn't thank me for that. I did get you two new sculpts out of that."

HAN: "I'm the ingrateful one, remember?"

A signal sounds and the "Welcome to the world...Welcome to the world....welcome to the world OF TOYS" FAO theme song is played about 95 times. Leia and Chewie join Han and Lando as the Rebels assemble for the concert. With so many aliens and droids in attendance, it looks like Woodstock gone wrong.

Finally, Mon Mothma, leader of the Rebel Alliance and the Salt-Shaker Action Figures Seeking Legs, begins her briefing.

MON MOTHMA: "The Emperor has made an infinite amount of errors and the time for us to attack is long past."

"The data brought to us from E-bay prices has discovered the Emperor has begun marketing for a new movie. We also know that with Clones involved, the possibilities for Resculpts will be enormously high. With the Empire content to think most of our forces are spread out, marked down for clearance, and relatively easy to find, we appear to be weak presence in the Market and they don't take our threat to bring the collector justice very serious. We've also learned that the Emperor himself is personally overseeing this new final phases of the marketing for this new movie franchise."

"Many Scalpers had to be patronized to bring us this information."

"Admiral Ackbar."

The leader of the Mon Calamarians and the Rebel Alliance's Fleet Commander steps forward.

ACKBAR: "You can see here the Saga Line's blue cardback. Although this style mimicks the days of one sculpt per character with a larger variety, this line might have a strong Resculpt element."

"It starts by being disguised with a Sneak Preview Format. These figures are distributed on the forest green cardback from POTJ. A strike force of 3 out of 4 figures will land on this cardback, then be only slightly modified and re-released. Once that is done, our fighters could have a tougher time seeing more obscure figures from all corners of the Classic films' perimeters."

"General Calrissian has volunteered to do a lot of things, because we don't have an action figure for General Madine."

LANDO: "Using our e-mails and letters to the company headquarters, we've gotten their concession to finally offer an Imperial Shuttle vehicle. Disguised as an exclusive, luxury item only really affordable to Emperors, we will fly back to Hasbro company headquarters and readjust their marketing strategy."

C-3PO: "Sounds impossible!"

LEIA: "Wonder who they found smart enough to pull that off."

LANDO: "General Solo, is your Resculpt ready?"

HAN: "My Resculpt is set to ship out. The trouble is I don't know how to spell very good."

Chewbacca announces something unintelligible except to Han.

HAN: "Well, it's going to have to be a Resculpt or we won't be able to sneak in there. I didn't want to speak for you, Pal."

LEIA [suddenly surprised and a bit enamored with Han]: "General : count me in!"

LUKE [just walks in]: "I don't think so!"

Artoo warbles something.

THREEPIO [to Artoo]: "Confusing is hardly the word for it."

06-06-2002, 03:51 AM
Later that day in the day on Home One's flight deck, Lando and Han discuss Princess Leia.

HAN: "Take her? I don't want you to take her! She's the fastest girl in the galaxy. I don't need any help from my friends!"

LANDO: "Alright Old Buddy. Now I think there's some things you ought to know about her. I promise, I'll tell you everything when you calm down after you get back."

HAN: "OK. We'll talk about her then. After I get back."

LANDO: "Would you get going you Pirate?

HAN: "Alright. Now take the Falcon, and be careful."

LANDO: "And most definitely you, too!"

General Han Solo boards the exclusive Tyderium shuttle. Chewie Mechanic, Luke Endor, Leia General, C-3PO Minted Coin, and R2 Data Plug are already on board. On his way into the cockpit, Han greated 4 Clones wearing camaouflage, 4 trading jackets and pants, and 4 sporting identical goatees.

HAN: "You guys aren't bored?"

Endor Clone One: "Nah. Getting ready for the new movie coming up."

Endor Clone Two: "Yeah, we started the line."

Chewbacca growls something derogatory and Han turns to him.

HAN: "No, I don't think Hasbro had Wookiees in mind or they would have sculpted more legroom. Better change into a different resculpt or I can't close the cockpit.

LEIA: "Hey. Are you alright?"

HAN [looks at Chewie]: "Yeah, I just got a funny feeling like I'm still not going to be able to close the cockpit."

LEIA: "Come on General. Then this ship couldn't be worth one-hundred and twenty-five!"

HAN: "Yeah, alright. Let's see if pre-ordering this thing was actually worth the bill that's due."

LUKE: "Ready everyone."

HAN: "Let's go."

The Shuttle leaves HomeOne and gets set up to leave FAO as damaged product shipped back to Hasbro.


Darth Vader and Emperor Hasbrotime have just returned to company headquarters in the Rhode Island sector at Ineptitude Center.

The two Dark Lords stand with others hidden in the shadows but it is evident by their siluettes that they wear long robes and have strange shapes on their heads. Something more is going on here than just the simple exchange that is undertaken by the two Sith Lords.

VADER: "What is thy bidding, My Master?"

HASBROTIME: "Send the Resculpts to the far side of the assortments ready for shipping. There they will stay until they're grossly overdistributed."

VADER: "What of the reports of the Rebel Heroes massing near FAO Schwartz?"

HASBROTIME: "It is of no concern. Soon all hopes for original sculpts will be crushed and young Skywalker will be pegwarming with us."

"Your work here is done my friend. Go out in the backstock and wait for Rite-Aide to order."

VADER: "As you wish My Master."

06-12-2002, 04:50 AM
The Shuttle Tyderium arrives in Hasbro's outgoing stockroom.

HAN: "This is Shuttle Tyderium requesting a signature for a certified delivery from FAO Schwartz."

A HASBRO INTERN: "Shuttle Tyderium, do you have a Reason for Return sheet?"

HAN: "Ask the guy in the UPS uniform. What they heck are you talking to the toys for?"

LEIA: "Now we find out if our C8 box condition wasn't even worth the price we paid for it."

HAN: "It'll work...trust me."

LUKE: "Vader's here at Hasbro."

HAN: "Now don't get all your resculpts getting anxiety Luke. We don't need to leave a trail of all the dust they'd stir up. There are a lot of Vader Resculpts. Of course they'd be well-represented here."

HAN [to Chewie]: "But we're going to have to get out of here in a hurray if they don't accept that 'damaged merchandise' receipt we got from the toy store there, Chewie."

"So rip a hole in the packaging Chewie, or accidently lose the sticker sheet."

CHEWBACCA mutters something to Han.

HAN: "I don't know! Maybe fly without the canopy? We certainly couldn't ever actually close it with you in here, anyhow!"


In Hasbro's mail receiving room, Darth Vader takes notice of the shuttle as it comes in with the UPS man.

He stalks directly toward Admiral Piett, a Hasbro peon.

VADER: "Where is that shuttle going?"

PIETT: "Shuttle Tyderium, what is your reason for return and request for credit amount to?"

HAN: "Uh, our cockpit canopy was missing and this ship wasn't worth the $150 we paid for it."

VADER: "Do they have a 'damaged merchandise receipt?"

PIETT: "It's signed by one of FAO's stores that is closing, but it's a valid complaint, My Lord. I was about to pass them on to Quality Control."


LUKE: "I shouldn't have come. All my Tatooine figures are dropping their CommTechs all over the place!"

HAN: "C'Mon! Let's keep a little optimism for your short saber / long tray you've got here."


PIETT: "Should I refuse to sign for the delivery, My Lord?"

VADER [senses something]: "No. Leave them to me. I will see to the value in this ship myself."


HASBRO INTERN: "Shuttle Tyderium, you may proceed to Quality Control."

HAN: "See I told you partnering up with Chewie always works."

Luke thinks back on Han Battle of Endor and Chewie Bespin Escape, Han and Chewie 25th Anniversary Set, Han Bespin Capture and Chewie Mechanic, Chewie Dejerrik Champion and Han Solo Cantina Showdown and wonders if even he can remember what the heck was the difference that The Empire justified "needing" those sculpts for...


Vader suddenly turns and starts off at a brisk walk for Emperor Hasbrotime's office!

07-26-2002, 12:52 AM
The Shuttle Tyderium lands in Hasbro Quality Control.

HASBRO INTERN #2: "Well what the heck is wrong with this thing now? Do you know how many e-mails I had to respond to collectors over this thing?"

HASBRO INTERN # 3: "Maybe they'd pay us something if we'd have charged them more."

As the employees of Ineptitude Center continue to debate this alarming chain of events, the Rebel Strike Team disembarks and makes their way out of Quality Control and heads towards Consumer Marketing. On their way they stop short as Han signals the group to take cover outside of Retail Partner Relations.

Speederbikes with Bikerscouts, Luke Endors and Leia Endors are being boxed up and destined for Entertainment Earth...

08-15-2002, 12:25 AM
LEIA: "Should we let them ship our resculpts around?"

LUKE: "They do have to eventually sell out."

Chewbacca growls something.

HAN: "Chewie and me will take care of this."

LUKE: "Minted Coin Figures? But what about you and Chewie? There are more of them out there."

HAN (changes into his Bespin sculpt): "Hey. It's me!"

Slowly Han and Chewie start making progress sabotaging the Empire's attempt to flood the Rebels out with the same vehicle-type packaging. With a nod to their favorite ship they're missing, the pair christen the Millennium Minted Coin Collection. Several loyal soldiers of the Empire try to give them trouble and this starts a fight! A good brawl gets going between Han, Chewie, and some Snowtroopers!

LUKE (observing from a safe distance): "Great!"

LEIA: (jumps into action!) : "Come On!"

As Leia quickly moves out ahead of the Rebel Strike Team she notices another stack of bikerscouts in the discount bin of speederbike assortments.

LEIA: "Look! Over there! More of them!"

LUKE: "I see them. Wait Leia!"

But it's too late! Proving she has the cahunas Leia leaps onto a speederbike and chases after the scout troopers who have fled to alert their masters.

Luke just barely makes the jump to land on the bike behind her and plops down squarely on a rolled up forest cloak that's disguising a secret self-destruct button!


The bike they were on blows into pieces and Luke and Leia go flying in opposite directions! Luke lands across the room, dazed but otherwise intact.

There is no sign of the Princess!


A little while later, Luke returns to find Han and Chewie having boxed all the Snowtroopers with Millennium Minted Coins and having done their best to paint half the remaining scout troopers with dirty "battle-worn" variations.

LUKE: "Han."

HAN: "Luke."

LUKE: "Where's Leia?"

HAN: "I thought she was with you."

LUKE: "We got separated!"

HAN: "So those springs on those bikes actually work?"

LUKE(grumbling): "Sometimes, it's an incovenient play feature."

"Hey, we better go look for Leia!"

[to datalink R2-D2] "Come on Artoo - we'll need that sculpt!"

C-3PO: "We know when we're under-used. Come on Artoo!"

[angrily toward R2-D2] - "And you said we'd be welcomed stars for the new movie over here!"


Meanwhile, in a box labeled "Overstock: Collection 2" threatening furry paws stalk closer to an unconscious Princess Leia. A clawed hand is visible holding some kind of accessory that looks like a chain-saw. Not activated, it pokes at the still Princess and suddenly she stirs and rises.

LEIA: "Hey! Cut it out!"

She sees the chain saw.

"Bad choice of words. Nevermind. Lak Sivrak, isn't it?"

The Wolfman nods.

LEIA: "Can I help you?"

Biggs Darklighter steps forward with 8D8, some Ugnaughts, and Malakali.

BIGGS: "Let me translate for you."

LEIA: "Wait a minute. Biggs, I thought you were lost in "The Battle in the Attic?"

BIGGS: "I'm an obscure character in an assortment with Ewoks. Didn't you think there'd be a lot of me left hanging around somewhere? Vader couldn't get rid of all of the selection and variety even if we're proof that some figures don't sell."

LEIA: "Well, speaking of Vader and the Ewoks, I'm here at Hasbro with a Rebel Strike Team to stop Darth Vader from dominating the Hasbro Universe with only Resculpts and restore more of that good 'ol variety to the line. In this part of the script, I'm supposed to meet up with a bunch of furry Ewoks who will help us keep the entire Imperial Army at bay while Luke, Han, and I hack into Hasbro's marketing strategy and revamp the entire line!"

BIGGS: "Hmmm. We've got two Ewoks, Wicket and Logray, and we could repaint one of them and get him up high and scouting for us on a glider. I used to fly here and there myself, you know Princess. And I think we can sneak Teebo into the end of the POTJ line. Lak Sivrak here is furry and is handy with that chainsaw. So that would make 5...."

MALAKALI: "What can I do Princess? Han promised me I would find a role for myself doing something."

LEIA [to Malakali]: "Hide."

BIGGS: "The Ugnaughts here say they will help too, as will the Droid."

LEIA: "Great! Let's move!"