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  1. #1

    Editing Room: Attack of the Clones

    The following post is a cut and paste version from another website called Editing Room. I've done it this way to clean up some profanity that otherwise wouldn't be allowed. Also because of the policy, I shouldn't post the link here either. If you wish to have the original link, PM me and I'll send it to you.

  2. #2
    STAR WARS: ATTACK OF THE CLONES: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

    By Rod Hilton

    FADE IN:

    EXT. A VERY FOGGY CORUSCANT

    A glimmering ship cuts through the fog, eventually
    landing, followed closely by two smaller Nubian
    transports.

    DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
    Look! We figured out how to do fog!

    JAY LAGA'AIA emerges from one of the smaller ships, as
    does THE REAL SENATOR NATALIE PORTMAN

    JAY LAGA'AIA
    Looks like there was no danger at
    all. I suppose your decoy can get
    off the ship now.

    DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS (CONT'D)
    Decoy? Was I planning on still
    screwing around with that horrible
    bull****?

    Suddenly, the ship explodes, killing crew members and
    NATALIE'S DECOY! Every single element of all shots now
    appear to be computer-generated.

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    Decoy! No!

    NATALIE'S DECOY
    I'm sorry, I've failed you.

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    How? You were my decoy. This was
    your job - in fact, this was your
    ONLY job. Frankly, I'm not sure
    why I'm so upset, why else did I
    think I was hiring you?

    NATALIE'S DECOY
    (dies)

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    Wait, since you're my decoy,
    shouldn't you at least look like
    me? And not be Mexican?

    JAY LAGA'AIA
    We have to go to another obviously
    computer-generated location and
    interact with computer-generated
    characters. Hurry, before the movie
    gets boring.

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    Look, I really appreciate your
    concern, but this is the second
    movie where you've been up my butt.

    JAY LAGA'AIA
    No no, that was the other black
    security guy. I have an eye patch.
    See?

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    So, what, do I find all of the
    black people in the galaxy and make
    them my security guards?

    INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

    NATALIE PORTMAN enters a room full of JEDI COUNCIL
    MEMBERS and the aging SENATOR IAN MCDIARMID.

    IAN MCDIARMID
    Natalie! You look.. Exactly the
    same. Why am I the only one who
    actually aged ten years?

    NATALIE looks in the vicinity of the floor, where FRANK
    OZ sits with a green mask on in front of a giant blue
    set.

    YODA
    Heard about the explosion, I did.
    Seeing you again brings warmness to
    my heart. Wait, that's not my
    heart.

    IAN MCDIARMID
    I'm bringing in Ewan McGregor and
    Hayden Christensen to keep an eye
    on you.

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    Why them?

    IAN MCDIARMID
    Because it's part of my evil
    scheme. Uh, somehow. Look, do you
    want to pork the little kid from
    Tatooine or not?

    JAR JAR
    When they arrive, I'll be sure to
    announce it twice for no reason.

    AUDIENCE
    GOD DAMN IT! **** YOU! WHY ARE YOU
    STILL ******* HERE?! Jesus Christ
    on a crapstick!

    EXT. CORUSCANT

    LEANNA WALSMAN and TEMUERA MORRISON meet inconspicuously.

    TEMUERA MORRISON
    Here. I got these assassin bugs
    for you to use.

    LEANNA WALSMAN
    Thanks for the bugs. It's a good
    thing you, a bounty hunter, hired
    me, a bounty hunter, to do
    absolutely nothing other than put
    this tube into a flying droid which
    you could just as easily possess.
    It gives me some real purpose.

    TEMUERA MORRISON
    Meh. You make another action
    figure. With quick-change face
    shift action!

    INT. CORUSCANT BEDROOM

    NATALIE sleeps, R2D2 guarding over her. EWAN and HAYDEN
    are in the adjacent room.

    HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
    Just being around her again is
    intoxicating. I haven't seen her
    since the last movie.

    EWAN MCGREGOR
    Wait a minute... Coruscant appears
    to be the home base to both the
    Senate and the Jedi.. And you
    haven't even run into each other in
    ten years?

    Hayden has his eyes closed and and a ****-eating grin on
    his face.

    EWAN MCGREGOR (CONT'D)
    What are you doing?

    HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
    She made me turn the cameras off.
    Luckily for me, her thoughts betray
    her - she's having one of those
    nightmares where she shows up to
    the senate naked. Mmmm.

    EWAN MCGREGOR
    Hayden, pay attention. Be mindful
    of the force and do what I tell
    you. I had almost completed my own
    Padawan training when I took you as
    my apprentice, so I have ever so
    slightly more training than you.

    HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
    Nuh uh.

    EWAN MCGREGOR
    Yuh huh! And I do a great impression
    of Alec Guinness, too!

    AUDIENCE
    Wow.. So.. Uh.. apprently Jedi
    bicker incessantly.

    NATALIE PORTMAN (O.S.)
    Icky! Bugs!

    HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN runs in, hops on the bed, and
    kills the bugs.

    HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
    I knew I'd be on top of you in bed
    someday.

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    Bah. Ten years of Jedi training and
    the coolest thing you've done is be
    a bada** exterminator.

    YODA
    Set the story into motion we must.
    Ewan, get to the bottom of this.
    Talk to a distractingly CGI
    character in a diner.

    EWAN MCGREGOR
    A diner? Doesn't a diner severely
    ruin a sense of the distant fantasy
    Star Wars holds?

    YODA
    Ahem. Midichlorians.

    EWAN MCGREGOR
    Diner. Right. I'm on my way.

    YODA
    Hayden, you will take Natalie back
    to Naboo. She'll be safer with an
    unpredictable, dangerous apprentice
    who shouldn't have been trained
    than she would be on a planet
    populated largely by Jedi.

    SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
    Don't use registered transports,
    either.

    HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
    I was thinking she could ride my--

    SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
    Just go.

    INT. CORUSCANT BEDROOM

    HAYDEN is whining to NATALIE as she packs.

    HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
    ..and, and he always yells at me in
    front of my friends, and he won't
    let me watch TV past 10, and he
    tells the CORNIEST jokes when we're
    out in public..

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    Jesus, is this your way of
    impressing me?

    HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
    (leering at her)
    No, my boyish magazine-cover-model
    eyes are.

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    Don't look at me like that.

    HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
    Why not?

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    Because it could get you arrested
    anywhere else, you ******* creep.

    They get into a blue screen, which later becomes a SHIP.

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    I'm scared, Hayden. I'm scared
    that I'll be known only for Star
    Wars because obsessive geeks can't
    seem to separate me from my
    characters.

    HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
    I'm scared too. Hey, but we have
    R2 with us!

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    Ha ha! Wait, why? Doesn't he fix
    ships? Why is he even here?

    EXT. RAIN PLANET

    DIRECTOR GEORGE LURCAS
    Look! We got rain right too!

    EWAN MCGREGOR slowly uncovers the extremely simplistic
    mystery. He meets TEMUERA MORRISON

    EWAN MCGREGOR
    Hi there.

    TEMUERA MORRISON
    I'm just a simple man trying to
    make his way in the universe.

    EWAN MCGREGOR
    Er, um, that's great. So who are
    you?

    TEMUERA MORRISON
    My clone son is Boba Fett. He was
    a small role in the original
    trilogy and ravenous Star Wars
    fanboys elevated his importance
    based merely on his cool
    appearance. George Lucas, utterly
    sacrificing whatever vision he
    claims to have for the series, has
    made his role much more important
    by coincidently making his father
    responsible for the clone wars.
    But you can take a flying leap up
    my ***, Jedi scum.

    They FIGHT.

    TEMUERA MORRISON (CONT'D)
    Isn't it cool how bada** I look?

    EWAN MCGREGOR
    Actually, you seem somewhat inept
    in this fight. I'm outsmarting you
    and kicking your *** repeatedly.

    TEMUERA MORRISON
    Hey, I said I look cool, I didn't
    say I was good at fighting. I'm
    modeled after the original Boba
    Fett; he gets killed by a blind guy
    accidentally.

    TEMUERA MORRISON escapes, sans much of his armor and
    weaponry.

    EXT. ENORMOUS, OPEN FIELD

    Romantic music swells in the background as HAYDEN and
    NATALIE sit in the grass, talking.

    HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
    It's hard being a Jedi. I like the
    part where I kill stuff and kick
    ***, but the stuff about not bumping
    uglies with you totally sucks.

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    I thought love was forbidden for a
    Jedi.

    HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
    Whoa whoa whoa. Let's not go
    throwing the L-word around so
    suddenly, I just want to ****. Now
    why don't you get naked and stop
    being a senator.

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    You really hate politicians, don't
    you?

    HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
    I don't think the system works. We
    need someone telling everyone else
    how to think.

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    Sounds an awful lot like the
    original trilogy to me.

    HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
    It's better than the system you've
    devoted your life and childhood to,
    you pathetic waste of flesh.

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    I think I'm falling in love with
    you. You know how to sweet talk a
    lady.

    HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
    Guh, you're soft. Can I touch you?

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    Let's wrestle in an uncomfortably
    erotic manner.

    They run through the open field, playing with animals
    and giggling like children. NATALIE'S sundress flows
    behind her majestically.

    AUDIENCE
    (staring at tickets)
    Star. Wars. Attack. Clones.
    (looking back at the
    screen)
    Did we walk into the wrong theater?

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    I won't let genital herpes get in
    the way of MY youthful frolicking!

    INT. SECRET EVIL BASE

    EWAN MCGREGOR uncovers a secret meeting between
    CHRISTOPHER LEE and a bunch of ******* CARTOONS.

    CHRISTOPHER LEE
    Soon, every powerful group in the
    galaxy will join my cause. Then,
    we will take over! Uh, I mean,
    separate from the republic.

    EVIL ALIEN
    I'm back, but my obviorsry Asian
    accent has been toned down a bit.
    I agree with you, Christopher Ree!
    Now, ret's kill Natalie Portman,
    because I apparentry have gone from
    being corrupt and stupid to being
    insanery sadistic and stupid in the
    rast ten years.

    Various PATHETICALLY FAKE LOOKING CHARACTERS respond in
    agreement to CHRISTOPHER LEE.

    EWAN MCGREGOR
    Jeepers, R4! I better get a
    message back to the gang!

    INT. DARK ROOM WITH A FIREPLACE

    HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
    I love you, Natalie. Why can't we
    be together?

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    Um, because my name would be Padme
    Naberrie Amidala Skywalker.
    I may have put Jar Jar in charge in
    my absence, but I'm not a complete
    moron. Besides, I'm kinda worried
    Lucas is going to tell us we're
    brother and sister. We must not
    fall in love. Excuse me while I
    change into something that reveals
    more cleavage.

    HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
    I wish I could just wish away my
    feelings by wishing a wish with
    which one wishes!

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    Wow. And George had help with the
    script, too.

    HAYDEN finds out that his mother was killed by TUSKEN
    RAIDERS, so he slaughters every single last one of them.

    HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
    I killed them all, Natalie. Women
    and children, too.

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    I see. I'm definitely in love with
    you now. Let's go rescue Ewan
    McGregor, who has been abducted on
    Genosis. But first, let me change
    into yet another god damned outfit
    and spawn yet another god damned
    action figure.

    INT. GENOSIS

    EWAN MCGREGOR
    You'll never get away with this,
    Christopher Lee.

    CHRISTOPHER LEE
    That's, what, the three thousandth
    time I've heard that line in my
    career? Join me, Ewan.

    EWAN MCGREGOR
    In what?

    CHRISTOPHER LEE
    Uh, my, um.. I dunno. Whatever
    dude, it doesn't matter, we're all
    Ian McDiarmid's pawns anyway.
    You're ******, enjoy being
    spidercrab food.

    He leaves. NATALIE and HAYDEN arrive to rescue him.
    First, there is a short MEGA MAN GAME.

    EXT. ENORMOUS FIGHTING ARENA

    NATALIE, HAYDEN, and EWAN are chained to giant posts.
    Three monsters emerge, ready to kill them.

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    Oh, look, I got a big kitty. Looks
    like I'll be fine, how are you guys
    doing?

    HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
    I sure am glad I'm wearing black
    robes right now.

    Everyone fights their designated monster. NATALIE'S
    KITTY rips the midriff of her shirt off perfectly,
    exposing her well-toned tummy.

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    That was subtle.

    As they fight, SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON comes in
    and puts a lightsaber to TEMUERA'S neck. He glares at
    CHRISTOPHER LEE.

    SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
    Normally, both of you would be dead
    as ******* fried chicken by now,
    but since I'm in a transitional
    period, I don't want to kill either
    one of your a**es.

    Numerous JEDI appear. There is a shaky battle with an
    impossible-to-follow amount of stuff going on.
    Eventually, there is a break.

    CHRISTOPHER LEE
    Surrender.

    SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
    Nope.

    The battle resumes exactly where it left off. Suddenly,
    YODA arrives with CLONE TROOPERS. The CLONES rip the
    place up.

    AUDIENCE
    Holy ****, they can actually aim!

    CHRISTOPHER LEE escapes on a small speeder. He looks
    COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS. EWAN, NATALIE, and HAYDEN chase
    after him.

    INT. BAY

    CHRISTOPHER prepares to leave, but CERTAINLY NOT TO
    VISIT IAN MCDIARMID. CHRISTOPHER LEE shoots lightning at
    EWAN, who absorbs it into his lightsaber.

    CHRISTOPHER LEE
    You can absorb force lightning?

    EWAN MCGREGOR
    Oh, yeah, of course. I really
    ought to tell Luke that at some
    point, shouldn't I? I bet that
    would be helpful.

    CHRISTOPHER LEE
    God. Whatever.

    He beats down HAYDEN and EWAN after a surprisingly tame
    lightsaber duel. YODA walks in. They levitate stuff
    and use lightning.

    CHRISTOPHER LEE (CONT'D)
    It's obvious this contest cannot be
    decided by our knowledge of the
    force, but by our ability to spit
    out our own horrible lines.

    YODA
    Yoda I am. Look bada** while
    acting goofy I can.

    They FIGHT.

    AUDIENCE
    YODA IS FIGHTING! THIS IS AWESOME!
    (pause)
    Wait, this looks ******* stupid.
    Why am I tolerating this assault on
    my childhood?

    CHRISTOPHER LEE
    It's obvious this contest cannot be
    decided by our skills with a
    lightsaber either, but rather by..
    Um.. how many character names you
    have. Let's see, I have two or
    three.

    YODA
    I only have one. Go you may.

    CHRISTOPHER LEE escapes. EWAN rises.

    EWAN MCGREGOR
    I had this horrible dream. I was
    an actor, and my job consisted of
    prancing about on blue sets and
    talking to sticks with pictures of
    faces taped to them. It was
    horrible. Who would do such a
    thing to the world of cinema?

    YODA
    It's all over now. Back in three
    dimensional, somewhat textured
    world you are.

    NATALIE runs in.

    NATALIE PORTMAN
    Hayden! I'm completely in love
    with you, despite never being given
    a single god damned reason for it
    to be so. Let's get married!

    IAN MCDIARMID
    Yes, yes! Get married! Have
    children who will one day turn my
    Sith apprentice against me and lead
    to my demise! Everything is going
    according to my design!

    DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
    Stay tuned for the next installment:
    It Came From the Dark Side!

    END
    Last edited by Jedi Clint; 07-14-2002 at 07:26 PM.

  3. #3
    You really need more time on your hands, I only read about hlf then got bored and stopped but the half I read was pretty funny. Good job!
    "War not make one great"- Jedi Master Yoda "The Empire Strikes Back"

  4. #4
    You also must not have read the part about how stillakid didn't write it.

    stillakid, so that's the shooting script? I hope so, because they thankfully left the CG-3P0 business out . . . but with ILM there's no stopping them from thinking it up at the last minute!

    The cynicism of that script edit makes me sad.


  5. #5
    Wow... that was really funny. Thanks for posting that, Stillakid!
    C'mon, Anakin! Every time I fight a Dark Lord of the Sith on my own, I get my butt kicked! ~ Obi Wan

  6. #6
    Originally posted by Caesar
    You also must not have read the part about how stillakid didn't write it.

    stillakid, so that's the shooting script? I hope so, because they thankfully left the CG-3P0 business out . . . but with ILM there's no stopping them from thinking it up at the last minute!

    The cynicism of that script edit makes me sad.

    Sorry, I didn't quite get the gist of your second paragraph.

    And thanks for the clarification. To all: no, I am not the author. But I will admit to thinking some of those exact same things when I watch the movie. The "I've failed you" line at the beginning had me scratching my head every time, but I've always forgotten about it by the end. And that horrid "I wish I could wish away..." line had me choking on my popcorn in disbelief when I heard it.

    What I wish is for MST3K to take a stab at the prequels. Now that would be an entertaining couple of hours.

  7. #7

    Really funny........some things are the same that I thought....you also forgot when Nat falls from a ship riding at 100 M/ph and doesn't get a single scratch........
    Anyone notice that nor Nat, Anakin or Ewan got their dresses with dirt..., strange when fighting in dusty ambient........

    Oh, sorry that's a bluescreen sand-ambiented planet.....
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Click image for larger version. 

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    Hasbro CEO to designers team:
    Star Wars Collectors,
    They must be dead by now...
    Destroy what's left of them !


    'Mate y Bizcochitos de Grasa'

  8. #8
    It was their Republic Automatic Self-Cleaning Clothes! Which are of course very sand resistant even though they breath enough so that even if you're going to Naboo or from desert planet to desert planet the hot suns will not get you down!

    Only 11.38 republic credits, buy yours today! Don't leave the boundarys of the Republic without'em!
    "Hokey packaging and ancient gimmicks are no match for good detail on your figure, kid."
    "I am a Klingot from Oklahoma in human boy form."
    "We came, we saw, we conquered... We, woke up!"

  9. #9
    That cracked me up Stilla, good find! I did an honest-to-goodness spit-take when I read "NATALIE and HAYDEN arrive to rescue him. First, there is a short MEGA MAN GAME."
    That was so dang funny and TRUE!!!!
    Darth Vader is becoming the Mickey Mouse of Star Wars.

    "In Brooklyn, a castle, is where dwell I"
    The use of a lightsaber does not make one a Jedi, it is the ability to not use it.

  10. #10
    i read it and it's hilarious! good work!
    Sampsonite! i was way off!

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