January 31, 1997
Top Ten Surprises in the New Version of Star Wars
10. Part of Chewbacca now played by a shirtless Ed Asner
9. Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian
8. Land speeders replaced with *****in' pink Miatas
7. Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as Luke Skywalker's wacky Mexican caddy
6. Darth Vader's voice goes up three octaves after Dennis Rodman kicks him in the groin
5. Instead of "May the force be with you," Obi-Wan Kenobi says, "Show me the money!"
4. Cameo appearance by Bob Dole as Yoda's great-great-grandfather
3. Luke and Darth Vader work together to beat the crap out of a bunch of Trekkies
2. New scene in which Jabba the Hut is hugged by a sobbing Richard Simmons
1. R2D2? Gay[font=Arial]
[/font]February 21, 1997
Top Ten Signs You've Seen the `Star Wars' Movies Too Many Times
10. Your poodles are named "C," "3," "P" and "O"
9. You won't sleep with your wife unless she says, "Help me, Obi Wan, you're my only hope"
8. You spent $10,000 trying to Rogaine yourself into Chewbacca
7. You're continually stunned when the President makes major decisions without consulting Mark Hamill
6. Your favorite pickup line: "Would you like to handle my light saber?"
5. You keep referring to your lawn mower as "that crazy droid"
4. You spend most of your days trying to use "the Force" to open a can of pears
3. You once saw an eggplant that looked kind of like Darth Vader and almost had a heart attack
2. Your sex life is strictly "Han Solo," if you know what I mean
1. You like Yoda so much, you voted for Ross Perot
April 06, 1999
Top 10 Rejected Star Wars Characters
10. Oprah the Winfrey
9. 10-10-321, The Telephone Droid
8. Tae Bo
7. Captain Overhype
6. Ol' Dirty Ewok
5. Bobadan Milosovic
4. R2 Deepak Chopra
3. Sticky, the Talking Piece of Chewing Gum
2. Obi Wan Jacobi and Meyers
1. Star Jones[font=Arial]
[/font]April 28, 1999
Top Ten Star Wars Fan Euphemisms For Not Having A Girlfriend
10. Camping alone outside the theater.
9. My force is no longer with me.
8. The Death Star is not yet operational.
7. The Empire's striking out.
6. Shaking hands with the wookie.
5. Darth Vader has no place to put his helmet.
4. Oiling the droid.
3. Unable to set coordinates for the planet Babe.
2. Spending the night with Han Solo.
1. Tractor beam not powerful enough.[font=Arial]
[/font]May 06, 1999
Top Ten Star Wars' Fans Complaints About The New Movie
10. Lame scene where Ewoks are freed from captivity by Reverend Jesse Jackson.
9. R2-D2 sexier with the implants in.
8. "A long time ago, in a galaxy far away" replaced with "Make me a billionaire, losers."
7. You never find out what the "Matrix" is.
6. When theater lights come back on, you're still a 40-year old virgin.
5. Scene where Millennium Falcon hits an iceberg feels tacked on.
4. There's no glowing hockey guy.
3. Somebody forgot to cut price tags off wookie costumes.
2. Most of special effects budget went toward giving Yoda a realistic looking rash.
1. Media is virtually ignoring its release.[font=Arial]
[/font]May 24, 1999
Top Ten Thoughts On The Minds Of People In Line For Star Wars
10. "Nice of Cher to loan me her Academy Awards outfit."
9. "First in line.... This'll look good on my resume."
8. "The babes should be coming over to talk to me any minute now."
7. "I shouldn't have to wait in this line -- I'm Carrie Fisher."
6. "I sense a disturbance in my hairline."
5. "Is that some sort of image-gathering droid?"
4. "Princess Leia... Princess Leia... Princess Leia... Princess Leia...."
3. "What I want is a prequel to 'Turner and Hooch'."
2. "This line better move soon, or Paul will have to host the show for me."
1. "What a couple of geeks."[font=Arial]
[/font]May 20, 2002
Top Ten Surprises In The New Star Wars Film
10. Most of the action takes place on Planet Hollywood
9. Jedis interrupting lightsaber battle to change double "A" batteries
8. Jar Jar Binks is shot by enraged Robert Blake
7. Obi-Wan wins the big dirty dancing contest
6. A confused William Shatner keeps showing up looking for Spock
5. Supreme Chancellor passes out after choking on a pretzel
4. "The Force?" -- just a sinus headache
3. All the time C3PO spends *****ing about Spider-Man
2. Usual Star Wars opening theme replaced with George Strait's "All My Ex's Live In Texas"
1. Yoda has sex with a pie