Dear Mr Cruise,
I am getting really tired of seeing your ugly mug everywhere. I would appreciate it if you acted more like other celebrities and tried to shy away from the papparazzi.
I know that you are clinically insane, but this in no way excuses the ridiculous shenanigans you have been performing every chance you have over the past month. I have seen more of you and your stupid little fling with that dumb girl from that teenybopper show in the past month than I did of the Michael Jackson trial, and it must stop.
You have apparently brainwashed Katie Holmes into believing that personal hygiene is her lowest priority, and, well, it's pretty gross. I realize that you dumped Nicole Kidman, one of the loveliest women who ever lived, for the fugly Penelope Cruz, so there is obviously no accounting for your taste. But seriously, man, she used to be cute and now the sight of her makes me wretch.
I firmly believe it would have been much funnier in the far too publicized recent incident in London if someone had dumped a truckload of cow manure on your head instead of squirting you with water, you dumb crybaby.
I still respect your talent as an actor and you have not yet reached the point where I will avoid a movie because of your appearing in it. But you are rapidly approaching the point where I would choose Carrot Top vs the Teletubbies over any film in which you star, even if it were a seventh Star Wars film.
Thank you for your consideration,
E Chuxter, Esq.
PS: You're a dork.