The Script to Hasbro's Episode Four: A New Resculpt - Special Edition! (continued)

[Tycho]

Han is last to land inside the Detention Cell Rescue Box.

He is immediately upset with the Rebels current circumstance:

HAN (to Leia): "A garbage set? What an incredibly large rocket launcher you've discovered here. Let's get out of here."

(to Chewie, by the hole in the box) "Get away from there."

Han picks up the giant double barreled missle launcher and aims a white plastic missle it at the rip.

LUKE: "No wait!"

Han fires off a a shot and the missle disapears on out of the hole.

LUKE: "I already tried! Now this playset is worthless because we've lost the pieces and broken the seal!"

LEIA: "Would you put that thing away before we all get recalled?"

HAN: "Absolutely your Worshipfulness. You know I had everything under control until you led us in here!"

LEIA: "It could be worse."

Suddenly the four of them hear footsteps approaching and they can begin to make out a large human form, wearing a red shirt, reaching out towards them.

HAN: "It's worse."

LUKE: "Is there something dead in here."

HAN: "All hope for an end to your pegwarming stagnation."

Suddenly the whole cardboard container starts shaking!

LUKE: "The walls are moving! No- it's the floor! Now it's the ceiling! Hang on, will you?"

HAN: "Where?"

LUKE: "Anywhere."

LEIA: "Don't just stand there! We're being shipped back to the manufacturer!"

"Try and escape or something!"

LUKE: "Wait a minute!"

He reaches for the comlink in his stormtrooper helmet.

LUKE: "Threepio? Threepio? Where could he be?"

__________________________________________________ __

Back in a commercial advertisement for Ultarama action figure display systems's Death Star control room mock-up, Stormtroopers burst onto the scene.

Stormtrooper1: "Take over."

Stormtrooper2 (noting a damaged Death Star Trooper): "See to him."

Suddenly they notice the droids -as if they we're bright and colorful...

Stormtrooper1: "Look! Over there!"

C-3PO: "They were mad men! I think they were headed towards the Detention Cell Rescue Playsets. If you hurry, you might catch them."

[JEDIpartner]

LUKE (escape from DS game): Where's Threepio??

LEIA (Monkey Face): Who knows!? He hasn't been around for quite sometime other than that "naked" sculpt they put out a couple years ago.

LUKE (escape from DS game): Wha...?

HAN (Cereal Offer): One things for sure... we're all gonna be buried in the bottom of clearance bin somewhere in Idaho underneath all those Malikilis! Get on Top!

LEIA (Monkey Face): I can't!!!
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Millennium Coin Threepio and "tools" Artoo show up in back at the contol room of the Ultrarama Death Star display once someone removed all the Stormies to make it look like a different scene...

THREEPIO: Oh! No one is here. I wonder where they could be! Stick one of those tools into your torso to simulate your data link!

ARTOO: Click Click Click...!

THREEPIO: The commlink? Oh! Hasbro never made one of those! Master Luke will be in serious trouble now!

ARTOO: Click Click!

THREEPIO: The glass of blue milk pack-in from Aunt Beru...? Sure! Why not? It didn't look like much anyhow! Who will notice the difference?? Curses! I can't hold anything in these hands! They should resculpt me with arms like TC-14!!!

[El Chuxter]

Artoo beeps a sigh.

C-3PO: Good idea! We can tape over this copy of random episodes of Droids, have a bowl of C-3POs, and use the Stormtrooper head walkie talkies! [Into the immense walkie talkie.] Hello! Luke!

Luke: Shut down the stockboys in the toy aisle!

C-3PO: Shut them all down! I don't know--distract them or something!

The man in the red shirt sees another employee walking by with a case of the latest issue of Maxim, the new Limp Bizkit CD, and some Cheetos. He puts down the playset and runs after his fellow Target Team Member.

Luke, Han, and Leia climb out of the playset. Han and Luke remove their Stormtrooper disguises, and Han leaves the belt on.

Leia: Wow, Han, with that belt on, you look just like Michael Kelso from That 70s Show!

Luke: Cool! Hey, who do I look like when I put mine back on?

Han swipes Luke's belt.

Han: I'll take that. Can't have two folks running around with cool belts!

Luke: Hey! Don't make me whine!

Han: All right, kid, you can have it back when we get back to the Falcon--but only if you'll man the Gunner Station!

Luke: Okay.

Several Stormtroopers of various sculpts happen up and begin shooting at our heroes.

Leia: Why don't we split up, so we can have an additional subplot going on for a few minutes?

Han and Chewie chase the Stormtroopers down the hall and around a corner, only to find a legion of teenage girls. They take one glance at Han, say, "Ooh, it's Ashton Kuchter! He's so dreamy!" and chase Han and Chewie away.

Meanwhile, Luke and Leia arrive at the Death Star Chasm playset, take one look down at the poorly rendered pit on the cardboard floor, and. . . .

[El Chuxter]

Luke says, "Man, I wish I had something we could swing over this with." He looks at his rapelling gun, which is a solid piece of plastic only a few inches long.

"Look!" says Leia. On a platform above them, a Stormtrooper mans an enormous floor-mounted version of an Imperial blaster. It fires a huge missile. Luckily, the missile is white and impossible not to dodge, given its low propulsion.

However, the release of the firing mechanism shakes the entire playset and a string tied to an oversized tower falls onto the floor beside our heroes. "Hey, look!" says Luke. "It's got a sorta belt tied to it!"

Luke snaps the belt around his waist and begrudgingly puts his arms around Monkey Face Leia.

"For luck," says MFL, leaning over to kiss him.

"Don't even think about kissing me, you deformed simian!"

[Bel-Cam Jos]

Meanwhile, Han has become the new, "rare" DS Escape variant. Chewie is stuck as the DS Cinema Scene one. Han had just chased an entire case of CT Stromtroopers into the back stock room, but realizing that an illegal deal was going on at the time between TRU employees and scal- er, "dealers," he runs away screaming.

Han: "Yaaaaaahhhhhhh!"

The Troopers pursue the duo through the same Cinema Scene cardboard background. Han realizes he can just go through the side flap, and then re-seal it back up.

Trooper 1: "Close the side flap!"

Han and Chewbacca escape.

Trooper 2: "Open the side flap! Open the side flap!"

[Tycho]

Meanwhile Obi-Wan Flashback is making his way cautiously back toward the Millennium Falcon, when he suddenly stops short.

His path is blocked by the Dark Lord of this Sh_t, himself: Darth Vader!

For the first time in almost 2 days, former master and apprentice face each other again!

VADER: It's been a long time Obi-Wan. The circle is now complete. When I left you, my new Emperor's Wrath variation was hidden by a collector. Now I have been restocked!

OBI-WAN: Only because your figures have been clearanced at Walmart, Darth!

The two change into their Power F/X variations, ignite their lightsabers, and prepare for deadly battle.

VADER: Your commercial value is mired by a weak demand.

OBI-WAN: You can't possibly win Darth. If they clearance me out, I shall come back as an Episode 2 figure, with more resculpts than you could possibly imagine!

VADER: But you'll never be on the card back!

With that the two ancient rivals attack and counterattack in a violent display of overproduction.

[Bel-Cam Jos]

Our heroes suddenly find themselves in a repacked case: 1 X DS Escape Han, 1 X All New Likeness! Leia, 1 X T-16 Luke, 1 X Mechanic Chewie, and 4 X Malakili and 4 X Chocobi-Wan.

Malakili: "Hey, can we come too?"
Chocobi-Wan: "Yeah! Pleeeease? Nobody wants us. Even customizers!"
Leia: "No! It's too risky. Our case assortment might get cancelled."
Malakili goes away crying, and Chocobi-Wan comforts him.
Luke pulls out the scraping tool he's packed with, since he's never had a comlink.
Luke: "Threepio?"
C3PO: "Yes, sir?"
Luke: "Are you nearby?"
C3PO: "We're in the case below you, with 4 Malakilis and Chocobi-Wans."
Luke: "Oh no! Whine..."
Han: "Threepio! You tell that slimy, no good piece of worm ridden filth Hasbro, that they'll get no such product orders from us! Right?"
Chewie: "Grraaankk!"
Leia notices the beat-up box of the Millenium Falcon. "You boight that, non-MIMB? You're dumber than I thought."
Han: "Nice."

[Tycho]

Our heroes stop arguing momentarily to glance out and survey the situation around the Falcon.

6 CommTech Stormtroopers are guarding the ship.

HAN: Weren't we just packed with this party?

CHEWIE: Aggrroooooooooh.

Leia and Luke step closer.

HAN: What took you so long?

LEIA: We were trying not to get our cards bent.

LUKE: Is the shipment OK?

HAN: Seems alright, but there's an error or Chewbacca's just not included.

LUKE [into Aunt Beru's blue milk carton]: Threepio, are you alright?

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[cut to a clearence isle across from the ship]

C-3PO: I'm in a busted Minted Coin package and R2 is on a discounted Freeze Frame across from the ship.

LUKE's voice [through milk carton]: Alright. Stand bye.

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Suddenly the CommTech Troopers notice the lightsaber duel between the Jedi and their Dark Master. They rush to help Vader when suddenly they're overtaken by an obsessive collector!

LUKE: Look!

C-3PO [in the clearance isle]: Come on Artoo. We're going!

HAN: Now's our chance! Go!

But Luke stops short as he and the others become suddenly aware of Obi-Wan's plight.

The young Jedi Warrior and his beloved old Master's eyes meet for what they suddenly fear could be the 1 zillioneth time. Luke's mouth drops open and his face turns pale with a dorky expression. But the old Jedi Master just smiles as Vader swings his crimson blade of destruction in what would be the final kill stroke that would render worthless the old Jedi Knight's packaging.

LUKE: Yessss!!! Yahoooooo!

Ben Kenobi has turned into a blue Jello molded resculpt!

HAN: Come on Kid!

LEIA: Luke! This is turning out great!

HAN: Grab the potato chips, Kid!

Suddenly aware of the danger he's in as the Dark Warrior he'd seen nearly strike Obi-Wan down now turns on him, Luke rushes on board the Falcon with his friends.

HAN [pushing and shoving Chewie since they both can't fit in the cockpit]: Let's hope Hasbro's going to resculpt this ship, or this is going to be a real uncomfortable trip!

With that, the Falcon's engines roar to life and the ship moves at lightspeed away from the toy isle, as some kid's purchased it and even supplied batteries for realistic lights and sounds!

[Tycho]

On board the Millennium Falcon enroute to some kid's place, safely stowed in his mother's trunk, Han smirks at Chewie, clearly gloating in their last minute triumph and daring escape from the clutches of Darth Vader.

Meanwhile, in the main hold, Leia comes to sit with Luke.

LUKE [Gunner Station Resculpt]: I can't believe they're gone.

LEIA [soft goods resculpt]: With my new, smaller figure, eating all these potato chips was fun.

Artoo moans woefully, well aware Leia is growing back into her first edition form as she speaks.

Up in the cockpit, the proximity alert alarm sounds.

HAN [to Chewie] : Looks like were coming up on some TIE Interceptor rehashes. Add the AA Alkalines and try and hold them off while I change into my Gunner Station Resculpt.

The trunk opens and 'mom' tosses in one more large Toys R Us bag with Geoffrey the Giraffe all over it and a TIE Interceptor inside of it.

MOM: And that's all you're getting for your birthday! Christmas is coming up. Now don't you want to wait so you can still get some other presents?

Han gets into his gunner chair, as does Luke, while Leia runs up to the cockpit and joins Chewie piloting the ship.

HAN: You in kid? Try and stay sharp.

LEIA: Here they come!

LUKE: There's too many Giraffes!

Suddenly the ship is wildly jolted as the birthday boy gets home and rushes up to his room and opens the boxes.

LEIA: We've lost the packaging!

HAN: Don't worry. She'll hold her value!

[to the Falcon, with stickers applied haphazzardly]: "Hear me, Baby: hold your value!"

Suddenly, the kid has the TIE Interceptor opened as well.

LUKE yells: "He got one! He got one!"

HAN: "Awww. His mom got lucky!"

LEIA: "There's still a TIE Bomber on its way out there."

And next the Falcon's guns light up as Luke scores a kill shot and the Empire's pursuit ship's wings are blown off and the kid drops the TIE on the floor.

LUKE: That's it! We did it!

LEIA (hugs Chewbacca, and now looks like him, too): We did it!

C-3PO: Help. I think I'm still resculpting! This is all Episode 2's fault!

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Back at Target, after the Falcon had disappeared, Grand Moff Tarkin approaches Darth Vader.

Tarkin: Are they sold out?

Vader: They just left in a Honda Accord.

Tarkin: You're sure the return gaurantee was in place? I'm taking an awful risk Vader. This had better work.

[Tycho]

In the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon, Han Solo joins Princess Leia, unaware of the danger they still face.

HAN: Not a bad bit of retailing. You know, sometimes I even manage to outsell myself.

LEIA: That doesn't sound so hard. They let us go. That's the only way I account for the ease of our escape.

HAN: Easy? You call clearance easy?

LEIA: They're returning us.

HAN: Not this ship, Simmian.

LEIA [shaking her head, in exasperation]: I only hope that when the day we're restocked the information in R2 is applied.

HAN: What's so important? What's he carrying?

LEIA: The hopes and e-mails from the fans, as well as my hologram and a scalper's dream value on the market. It's not over yet.

HAN: It is for me, Simmian. Look, I'm not in this for your revolution and I'm not in it for you, Princess. I'm in it for the money. I expect to finally be worth my weight.

LEIA: Well, if money is all that you love, then with a TaunTaun is the only way you'll get it.

[to Luke, as he steps in on the Princess' way out]

Your friend is quite a mercantilist. I wonder if he's ever really been worth anything - or fun to play with.

LUKE (Tatooine): Well, I'm crap.

[to Han]: So. What do you think of her, Han?

HAN: A flying Sasquatch, kid.

LUKE: Sure is.

Noticing Luke's disappointment...

HAN: I don't know. What do you think? D'you think another white with a CommTech Chip...

LUKE: No.

Sadly, Han nods in agreement.

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Sometime later, the crew of the Millennium Falcon encounter some more Rebellion-allied action figures in the child's collection.

REBEL FLEET TROOPER [to Leia]: You're face! When we heard about your first addition, we feared the worse.

LEIA: We have no time for you to get your neck bent out of shape over that, Commander. We must acknowledge that you don't even have a neck and plan for our attack. The e-mails brought back in this R2 unit are our only hope.