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  1. #31

    Arrow

    Deep inside an attic filled with Vintage figures and Rebel Alliance vehicles...

    Vintage General Madine (since Dodonna hasn't been made YET): "We have analyzed the emails and have discovered a weakness. The Empire has designed its Death Star playset vertically. It's defenses are a cannon at the top. They don't consider a small attack to be a threat. We have located a weak point, right at the bottom of the set."
    Arvenid Crivelnedski: "Excuse me, sir. My name is hard to remember and pronouce correctly."
    Madine: "That's okay."
    B-Wing Pilot: "What good is an assualt on the bottom?"
    Madine: "Like I said, the Empire doesn't consider a small attack force to be a threat. X-Wing and Y-Wing Fighters will fly down an aisle in the toy department and ram into this garbage masher part on the bottom. It will start a chain reaction that will topple the main playset."
    Last edited by Bel-Cam Jos; 10-27-2001 at 10:09 AM.
    CU Later. Contracted Universe? Later. :(

  2. #32

    Arrow

    Wedge Antilles (from M. Falcon carry case and Rebel Logo helmet): "THat's impossible! Even for a vintage vehicle!"
    Luke with T-16 model: "That's not impossible. I've toppled the POTF2 line with my pegwarming status, and I'm not more than 2 dollars."
    Madine: "Any questions?"
    Arvenididileavetheironon Crivelnedskirockymountains begins to raise his hand.
    Madine: "Except for Arvenididileavetheirononinmyapartment Crivelnedskiorsnowboardtherockymountains. No? Then man your ships, unless your scuplts don't let you fit inside the cockpit. And may the Power of the Force, uh, of the Jedi, be with you!"
    CU Later. Contracted Universe? Later. :(

  3. #33
    At the same moment, back at Target, the young boy's mother has returned alone and is secretly buying her son the Vader and Tarkin figures that were once hidden under a shelf in the Barbie isle.

    MOM: "Oh, aren't these a bargain? Bobby will be so surprised on his birthday! He just loves Star Wars."

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A little while later, in the trunk of a Honda Accord...

    DEATH STAR GUNNER: "We are approaching the boy's address. The Rebel Base is in the attic at the far side."

    Darth Vader strides up to Tarkin's side.

    VADER: "This will be a day long forgotten. We have seen another resculpt of Kenobi, we will soon see only Leia Bespin Escape and Chewbacca Mechanic representing the Rebellion."

    Tarkin gives the Dark Lord a nervous sideways glance, seeming to recall that there were resculpts of Han and Luke out there as well as one of their missing stormtrooper belts, but what the heck? There aren't any NEW characters.

  4. #34
    Up in the attic, 'New Luke Skywalker: X-wing Pilot with Removeable Helmet' and C-3PO come up upon Han, and Han....and Han...and well - all of them.

    LUKE: "So. You got your resculpts and now you're just leaving?"

    HAN (on Steroids): "Yeah. That's right. I've got all these resculpts - I can take away a fortune from E-bay with this stuff."

    "You're not really worth anything, but we could throw you up as a Bonus Add-In. Why don't you come with us?"

    LUKE: "Come on! Take a look at the low bids around you. You know you're not up for much. They could use your Mail-Away in the clear plastic baggie. And you're taking your TaunTaun away from them!"

    HAN: "What good's a Very Hard to Find Item if you don't have the User Rating to profit from it? Besides, attacking Hasbro ain't going to get you more droids and background aliens. It's more likely you'll get Expanded Universe resculpts."

    LUKE: "OK. Well go Feature yourself, Han. I guess it's what you're best at."

    Luke growls and shows his buck teeth at Solo, then starts to stalk off. Suddenly Han calls to him, almost regretfully.

    HAN: "Hey Luke. May the Market be with you."

    Chewbacca and his resculpts turn and curiously grunt at Solo.

    HAN: "What are all of you looking at? I'm telling you that Flat-Tops and polka dots are in."

    Chewbacca Mechanic continues to use his arc welder torch to do Chewie Snoova's hair.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In the vintage toy vehicles box, Luke meets up with Princess Leia.

    LEIA (soft goods collection): "What's wrong?"

    LUKE: "Oh, it's Han. I really thought he'd change the line."

    LEIA: "He's got to sell off his own bad batch. No kids going to want that many of him."

    LUKE: "I only wish a torture rack came with him."

    Leia's new sculpt kisses him. Luke blushes, smiles, and flashes his buck teeth again.

    The young Jedi star pilot moves on to examine the vintage Battle-Damaged X-wing Fighter. Suddenly Biggs Darklighter catches up with him.

    BIGGS: "Hey Luke! Luke."

    LUKE: "Biggs! I don't believe it. They actually made you!"

    BIGGS: "You getting clearanced out with us?"

    LUKE: "Well, I'll sell a lot slower than you, but man have I got some bad sculpts compared to you..."

    PORKINS intterrupts [so he has some lines, and since Red Leader was never made] "Skywalker!" holding out a Jedi Force File to the younger pilot while chewing on his. "Are you sure you can handle this?"

    BIGGS [answers for him]: "Luke's previous X-wing pilot sculpt was one of the buff-est in the line."

    LUKE [pointing to the X-wing]: "At least either of me can fit inside!"

    PORKINS [eating his Force File]: "With some salt, this tastes just fine."

    BIGGS: "Well Luke, when we get back, you'll have to introduce me to all your styles."

    LUKE: "Hey Biggs - it's just like old times!"

    BIGGS: "They'll never sell us!"

    Luke approaches the vintage X-wing to which he's been assigned.

    REBEL FLEET TROOPER: "This X-wing of yours looks a bit out-dated. You want a new one?"

    LUKE: "One with realistic deco and real movie sounds!"

    C-3PO approaches noticing that now even the X-wing has been resculpted from the vintage line...

  5. #35

    Lightbulb

    Meanwhile, on the Death Star playset:

    Voice: "Death Star will be produced in 30 months."
    All Imperials laugh.
    Voice: "No, seriously. Within 30 months."
    Imperials laugh harder.
    Tarkin: "I think you over-estimate the chances."

    ---------------------------
    The Rebels approach the playset in their vehicles. The Death Star is right now visible as the MicroMachines set.
    Wedge from Rebel Pilots Cinema Scene: "Look at the size of that thing!"
    Jek Porkins (with munching sounds in background): "Cut the chatter, you! All wings report in."
    Wedge: "Red Two."
    Porkins: "Rmrld Smph."
    Luke: "Red Five standing by."
    Biggs: "Red, uh, 43?"
    Silence.
    Voice: "B-Wing Pilot."
    2nd Voice: "A-Wing Pilot."
    3rd: "Arvenididileavetheirononinmyapartmentupstairs Crivelnedskiorsnowboardtherockymountainhighcolorad o."
    Nen Nunb: "Oogah boogah hahaha."
    5th: "Sullustan Pilot."
    6th: "Rebel Y-Wing Pilot."

    Luke: "That's it? We're no Rebel fleet. We're no better than the Last Action Hero line!"

    --------------------------
    Imperial Officer on Death Star: "We'd like to count 30 ships, Lord Vader. Snub fighters. But there's hardly any of them out there. Might be scalpers hoarding them somewhere."
    Vader: "You, and you. Come with me."
    Voices: "Yes, sir."
    A TIE Bomber Pilot and TIE Interceptor Pilot follow Vader, although they seem to be the same figure.
    CU Later. Contracted Universe? Later. :(

  6. #36
    On board his X-wing fighter, Luke seems to here Blue-Plastic-Jello Ben Kenobi's voice,

    BEN: "Luke, the Market will be with you."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In the Rebel Base, Princess Leia monitors the battle.

    TACTICAL: "Standbye alert! Death Star approaching. Estimated time to firing range 30 minutes."

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Up in the attic space, the Rebel flight teams are honing their strategy:

    PORKINS: "I'm going to cut across the attic, and try and draw some French fries."

    LUKE: "This is Red-5. Count me in!"

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    On board the vintage Death Star playset.

    Darth Vader and two TIE Pilots launch in their star fighter crafts.

    VADER: "Several fighters have broken off from the main group. Follow me. Track any Happy Meal Formation."

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Meanwhile, Red Squadron has located a discarded ancient bag of fast food products laid to rest in the attic.

    PORKINS: "There's a lot of dead cockroaches around the far side of that Quarter-Pounder."

    BIGGS: "Yuck. I see them. Cover me. I'm dining in!"

    PORKINS: "Right with you, Boss!"

    Reds 6 and 43 grab some old green hamburger meat from a strafing run over the dusty floor.

    PORKINS: "Wait a minute. I think I ate some bad moldy stuff in here."

    BIGGS: "Eject! Spit up!"

    PORKINS: "No I can hold it... RRrraaaaaaa-lppphhhh. Uhhhggg!"

    Porkins vomits inside his removeable helmet and spits up green chunky stuff and parts of his Force File he ate earlier. The goo completely covers his front windshield and unable to see where he's going, his X-wing plows into a mouse hole in the side of the attic. We last see Porkins being chewed on by a hungry house rat that was at least smart enough to stay away from the green hamburger.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Back at the Rebel Base,

    TACTICAL COMPUTER: Standbye alert! Death Star within firing range in 15 minutes.

    REBEL FLEET TROOPER [to Luke who has now become Red Leader]: "Red Leader, this is Base One. We've picked up a new group of signals. The Empire's got several Exclusives heading your way."

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In space:

    LUKE: "My scopes negative. I don't see anything."

    WEDGE: "Pick up your Toys R Us fliers. But they're still hard to find!"

    SULLUSTAN PILOT: "I'm hit! Aaarrgghhh!"

    Without a ship to protect him, the tiny rebel alien made an easy target for the new TIE Bomber -what with him just running at the Death Star on foot.

    BIGGS: "Luke, you've picked one up!"

    LUKE: "I can't believe it!"

    BIGGS: "It's an exclusive TIE Interceptor."

    LUKE: "I'm hit, but not bad. Artoo - see what you can do with it."

    R2-D2 [translated with subtitles]: "What the heck do you want me to do about it, Ace? You got me smushed down in this thing trying to keep the wings open, don't you realize I'm already busy? I told you to take the F/X X-wing. But did you listen? Noooohh! Dumb-stupid-wanna-be-hero-retarded-farm-boy!"

    LUKE: "High Bidders where are you?."

    "I can't shake him!"

    WEDGE: "I'm on it Luke."

    Wedge hits the Interceptor with a Featured Item and re-edits it as 'Very Hard to Find.'

    A die-hard collector finds the ship from Bobby's brother's E-bay ad, and the ship gets scooped up just in time.

    LUKE: "Thanks Wedge."

    BIGGS: "Nice editing, Wedge."


    Y-WING PILOT [to Fleet]: "This is Gold Leader. We're starting our attack run!"

    The Target Exclusive Y-Wing, the A-Wing, B-Wing, and Nien Numb running on foot and trying to keep up, all make their run straight toward the Death Star.

    Darth Vader, a TIE Fighter, and the TIE Bomber are in close pursuit!

  7. #37

    Red face

    Vader gives advice to his 2 wingmen.
    Vader: "Aim for any accessory or small part. Without a bomb, side engine, or cockpit hinge, they'll be "loose, non-mint" and no longer valuable."
    TIE Pilot 1: "Yes, sir."
    Vader takes out A-Wing Pilot's clear canopy, which also loses his gun.
    Vader takes out A-Wing Pilot's clear canopy, which also loses his gun.
    Vader takes out A-Wing Pilot's clear canopy, which also loses his gun. (Had to make it seem like a true battle went on, by repeating the task)
    Luke: "There's just too many of them!"

    --------------------
    On Death Star:
    Voice: "Yavin base within 15 days production."
    Officer: "Okay, your first time was a joke. NOW you're getting nasty!"
    Officer beats up voice until he sounds like a COMMtech chip: "Marggle nargle vas."
    CU Later. Contracted Universe? Later. :(

  8. #38
    GOLD LEADER: "Red 5, can you see those fighters?"

    LUKE: "Wait. There's far too few of them shipping. Wait a minute. They're coming in before Christmas."

    GOLD LEADER: "I saw the advertisement. Target in range. Just hold them off until I can get to Walmart and Toys R Us."

    B-WING PILOT: "They're right behind me. If you can't pick them up, you better scalp 'em loose. I can't hold them any longer! ---gaaaaggghhhh!"

    The TIE Bomber launches its torpedos and knocks the B-wing off course. It hits the wall and damages its remote wing operation, thus impairing its resell value.

    GOLD LEADER: "Almost there. Almost there...."

    "I'm away!"

    Gold Leader jumps out of his Target Exclusive Y-wing and sends his ship on a direct collision course into the Death Stars main supporting trash compactor!

    YAVIN BASE: "Is it a hit?"

    GOLD LEADER [running on foot] "Negative. It didn't do it in. It just bounced back off the surface."

    LUKE: "Gold Leader, we're right above you. Try running and kicking in the cardboard control panels. We'll cover for you."

    But Vader is swooping down on the Rebel in his personal TIE.

    GOLD LEADER: "Negative. I've just got a green plastic missle stuck between my legs. It's really upsetting. This is no longer any fun!"

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Back at the Rebel Base,

    TACTICAL: "Death Star approaching. It will be within firing range in 5 minutes."

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In space:

    LUKE: "Biggs, Wedge, let's close this item out. We're going to need Bobby's brother."

    WEDGE: "Let's draw him out!"

    BIGGS: "Luke, is that what we really need?"

    LUKE: "It'll be just like E-bay scalping back home!"

  9. #39
    BIGGS: "We'll stay back, far enough to to artificially inflate the auction. But we won't be able to cover it."

    WEDGE: "My scope says the vintage Death Star is valuable. Are you sure Bobby's brother will put it out to bid on it?"

    LUKE: "You'll monitor the auction. I'll worry about getting Bobby's brother!'

    "Artoo? See if your F/X version and our ship's sound effects will be enough to attract his attention. He's just downstairs from here."

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In the Death Star's Control Room,

    DEATH STAR GUNNER: "The Rebel Base is in Range"

    GRAND MOFF TARKIN: "You may tell all the stormtroopers carrying this thing they can retire when ready."

    DEATH STAR GUNNER: "Commense Primary Recognition. Anything else - Don't Buy!"

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    At the Rebel Base,

    REBEL FLEET TROOPER: "The Death Star is in range."

    C-3PO: "Now I'm really holding out for Episode Two!"

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In Space,

    DARTH VADER: "I'm on the leader!"

    Suddenly Wedge's ship is hit by a green plastic missle!

    WEDGE: "I'm hit. I can't stay with you."

    LUKE (pointing toward some discarded bottles off and below to their left): "Hit that beer, Wedge. We gotta make some more noise up here!"

    VADER (to his men) "Let him go. They're empty bottles and very, very old."

    Wedge's X-wing smashes into an old, discarded six-pack of Miller Light left over from the last time Bobby's brother had a girl up in the attic.

    WEDGE: "Sorry"

    Glass shatters everywhere. A muffled voice is heard below the attic entrence.

    BOBBY'S BROTHER: "Hey, what's going on up there?"

    Meanwhile Biggs is Luke's last defensive cover.

    BIGGS: "Quickly Luke! They're coming in much faster this time! I don't know if I can hold them."

    "Quick!"

    Vader's TIE (out of missles) rams Biggs X-wing causing his wings to close and he goes spinning out of control and falls through the attic opening as Bobby's Brother starts to climb up the stairs.

    LUKE: "Goodbye Biggs, Old Pal."

    Suddenly Luke hears the voice of Ben-blue-plastic-Jello-Kenobi's resculpt # 2.

    BEN: "Luke, use the Market. Let go. Luke, trust me."

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Back at the Rebel Base, Luke's attack computer signal's been cut off.

    REBEL FLEET TROOPER: "Luke, you switched off your computer. What's wrong?"

    LUKE: "Nothing. This isn't my F/X X-wing. I don't have a computer."

    TACTICAL: "Death Star within firing range!"

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    On the Death Star, all the Rebel action figure characters are being reviewed,

    "Don't Buy. Don't Buy."

    It is the end of the line!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Suddenly Darth Vader zeroes in on R2 with Leia Hologram!

    VADER: "The Market's strong for this one!"

    LUKE: "He's trying to buy Artoo! He's trying to buy Artoo!"

    VADER (pulling out a trade for his 1995 long bubble, long saber card) "I have you now!"

    Suddenly the Millennium Falcon appears out of nowhere, as it's crazy pilot brings the battered freighter into the starfighter fight!

    VADER: "What?!"

    The TIE BOMBER gets scalped immediately as it is only available in the Orient until February. The other TIE fighter collides with Vader's ship and its wings pop off. Vader's ship is sent hurtling across the attic and lands on an old Toys R Us Five-Dollar-Sale.

    HAN SOLO: "Yahoooooo!......dot-com. There's more than one auction site! Now let's sell this thing and bring the unproduced Ewoks home!"

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    On the Death Star,

    "Don't Buy! Don't Buy!"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Luke closes his eyes (and his buck teeth) and concentrates... reaching deep into the force of the Market:

    Inside Bobby's Brother's head the force of the Market reaches him,

    BOBBY'S BROTHER: "Wow! My vintage Death Star Playset. I could sell this thing and make enough money I could get some of the older guys to buy me beer and get Daisy up in the attic again!"

    "Oh, but I promised I'd give Bobby all my old Star Wars hand-me downs. Eh, but it's o.k. Kids these days probably aren't interested in the playsets. With whatever extra money I have left over, I'll get him some Pokemon cards or something."

    Suddenly, the dusty old Death Star playset is all but gone!

    HAN SOLO: "Greed's great kid. For that you'll get a least one hundred seventy-five, if it's loose-mint!"

    BEN (resculpted Jello) voice overheard: "Remember, the Market will be with you. Always."
    Last edited by Tycho; 10-29-2001 at 05:57 PM.

  10. #40
    When Luke returns to the Rebel Base, a hero's welcome receives him!

    He spots Princess Leia All-New Likeness across the hanger running towards him.

    LUKE: "E-bay!"

    LEIA: "E-bay!"

    Seeing Han land the Falcon and run to join them,

    LUKE: "E-bay!"

    HAN: "E-bay! Well, I knew that there was Yahoo and Amazon and some others. I wasn't going to sit around and let you allow Bobby's Brother to take away all the rewards!"

    LEIA: "I think I could love you now that you have money!"

    LUKE (noticing R2): "What now?"

    C-3PO: "Sir, do you think you use the e-mails from him? If any of my pathetic resculpts are needed as evidence, I'll glady donate them."

    LUKE: "The line will be alright. Let's celebrate!"

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The next day, in a great ceremony, Luke in New Ceremony Attire, Han in his best sculpt from the Cantina Showdown, and Leia in her All-New-Likeness, joined by R2-D2 with Datalink, C-3PO with Minted Coin, as well as Bobby's Brother and Daisy, spent a great time with rows upon rows of Miller Light.

    Their first victory won, but the war far from over, the Rebels rejoiced in the thrill of winning the fight. Climbing in and out of the newest empty bottles in the attic, and feeling mighty fine, the Rebels party through the night.

    LEIA: "Hey, I think I can actually see General Reikeen in plastic, finally!"

    HAN: "Hey Your Highnessness, is that dress also removeable?"

    LUKE (remembering what has been won, what has been lost, and thinking about Aunt Beru, starts to sing) "And the Creeps come out at Night!"

    THE END

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