I just spoke with one of the dumbest people on Earth!!!!

[JEDIpartner]

Caller (female): "Hello, I'm trying to reach Christine at her extension but no one answers. They only have an answering machine."

Me: "Ah, yes. I'm sorry Christine has taken an unexpected leave for the day. She should be back in the office tomorrow."

Caller: "Well... I want to talk to someone about my account. I need to understand what is going on with it."

Me: "Certainly. I'll see what I can do for you. What is the account number...?"

Caller: "The number is _______________."

Me: "Thank you. I'm looking at your account now. How may I assist you today?"

Caller: "Well... I got a letter saying that you sent me to a collections office and (laughs) I don't see how that's possible!"

Me: "Ah, yes. Well, I do see that you have missed two payments. One was due on November 21 and the third payment was due February 21."

Caller: "No... our first payment was due in September!"

Me: "Actually, your first payment was due on August 21 and we DID receive that one. That's not an issue here."

Caller: "When we agreed to do this advertisement, they said they'd do that quarterly. That's not quarterly!"

Me: "We're billing you $115 every three months beginning August 21. How is that not quarterly?"

Caller: "Well... well... um. I'm having trouble. What IS quarterly?"

Me: "Quarterly is 'every three months'. Twelve months divided by three months is 4. Four times a year times three months is twelve months. There are twelve months in a year."

Caller: "Huh? Um... hold on a minute."

Nothing happens for about 30 seconds and I need some water.

Me: "Would it be okay if I put you on hold for a moment whilst you get this sorted on your end?"

Caller: "Um... okay. That's fine."

I leave for about 40 seconds and return to the line.

Me: "Thank you for holding. Have we got this right now?"

Caller: "Okay... here's there problem. When we started the ad, it was $580 for the year and you gave us a $120 discount..."

Me: "So... we're charging you $460, which is less than the standard two-space advert for that account. That's a problem?"

Caller: "Well, yeah... 'cos we paid you $115 for our first payment."

Me: "And... $115 times four payments is $460."

Caller: "Uh... oh? Are you sure? That's not what I get."

Me: "I'm quite sure about this. I just did the math. If you'd like, I can do it for you again but on my adding machine this time. (tap tap tap) Yep... $460!"

Caller: "Um... oh. Well... if you are doing it quarterly, it's all wrong. We paid in September. September... October... November... December... January..."

Me: "As I previously stated, your first payment was due August 21 and we received that. Please follow me on this one. August 21 to September 21. One month. September 21 to October 21. Two months. October 21 to November 21. Three months. See? It works out."

Caller: "Well, sure... the way YOU did it..."

Me: "It's the way that ANYONE would do it. Why can't you seem to get it right? 'Quarterly' is STILL 'every three months' in any country and in any language if your total contract term is one year, which, by the way, it is."

Caller: "Well, look-- we do over $20,000 in flower and plant business with this church every year. I can't believe you sent us to collections."

Me: "Well, your dealings with the church is between you and the church. If we were the gas company or the power company, we'd shut off your utility or send you to collections. This is no different. If we provide you a service and you fail to pay us on time, we have someone in place to come get that money!"

Caller: "But this is for the church..."

Me: "It's not really pertinent, ma'am. A business is a business and we have to pay our bills on-time as we expect you to pay yours. I can't understand why you feel that you are an exception to the basic rules of commerce."

Caller: "Well-- I don't want to run my ad again."

Me: "That's perfectly fine with me. I don't think we'd allow you to run the advert again after having such trouble getting a payment for services rendered. I'd be surprised if we didn't cancel you immediately."

Caller: "Um... can you put me back into Christine's voicemail again?"

Me: "Most certainly. Have a nice day."

[JediTricks]

Dang JP, I'm surprised you're not getting into trouble for that, if I were your boss I'd totally put you on warning for the way your attitude comes off, everything from "If you'd like, I can do it for you again but on my adding machine this time. Yep... $460!" on is not what I consider appropriate business behavior even if the customer is a moron (which clearly is the case with this customer). I get that she was a doofus, but when you get snarky it only makes things worse and reflects badly on your company.

Good thing I'm not your boss, eh?

[JEDIpartner]

Actually, I wasn't snooty to her at all. I spoke to her in such a nice manner the entire way through that it would have gone right over her... or just about ANYONE'S head. That's the fine, fine beauty of my charm and eloqunce.

And yes, she was SO stupid that I probably could have asked her how stupid she was and she wouldn't have picked up on how inappropriate that was!

Beyond that, whatever I did wouldn't register in her fat head. The fact that we sent her to a collections agency is what reflects badly on our company in her small mind.

Anyhow... just enjoy the ride. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[Slicker]

I say good on ya, JP. Sometimes stupidity needs to be answered with stupidity. If I could do it I would but I don't deal with people so I unfortunately can't. I can be the most sarcastic mofo around if need be.

[JetsAndHeels]

I can totally understand how you feel JP. At my job (eb games) I encounter some of the same things...questions and comments that almost make me want to laugh in people's faces.
I think the best one I had last week was when a lady came in, looked around, and said "What do you do with these games?"
I was going to respond by telling her they can treat disease and help increase your sex life but of course that would get me in trouble. I almost couldn't believe it, but I had to tell her that they are meant to be played.

Then of course you get the occasional questions like "why won't this xbox game play on my computer?, " or "why don't the xbox 360 games work on my original xbox?" After encountering these types all day it almost makes you feel like you are losing brain cells.

[stillakid]

Christ Almighty, we need a virus that just wipes out morons.

[JediTricks]

Christ Almighty, we need a virus that just wipes out morons.

It's called 'television', but it works very slowly.


JP, it's not HOW you said it, it's WHAT you said. Think of it this way, would you really want to lose your job over some moron if she complains?


I used to work at a video store, we had one woman who called up saying the tape wasn't working, what did WE do to her, turned out her block had a blackout. Another was a woman who said she couldn't figure out how to play the tape - turned out she had NO VCR!!! A computer tech buddy had one: woman calls up saying her computer's coffee cup holder broke - turned out she didn't know what the CD-ROM drive was. But ya gotta be nice or trade them off to someone else 'cause customer satisfaction is what creates business and reflects on the company.

[stillakid]

A roomie back in college had a story from when he worked in a video store. Some stupid woman wanted to copy tapes and wanted to know if the VCRs had to be facing each other. He told her "yes."

Something about video rental places that attract road scholars.

[Turbowars]

There's really no such thing as customer service anymore. Everything is serve yourself these days. JP's Attitude towards this moronic lady does not surprise me. After a few minutes of the BS I probably would have done the same thing or just hung up and let someone else in the office take the call when she called back.

[stillakid]

There's really no such thing as customer service anymore. Everything is serve yourself these days. JP's Attitude towards this moronic lady does not surprise me. After a few minutes of the BS I probably would have done the same thing or just hung up and let someone else in the office take the call when she called back.

True, but it does work both ways. When I call or ask for help from a store or tech support, I go in with the assumption that the other person knows more than I do about whatever it is I'm asking about. All too frequently lately, I have to "educate" the dimwit who is on Level One of customer service which is an exasperating process. Better sometimes to just ask for a supervisor right away, although that doesn't always guarantee getting to talk to anyone worthy either.