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  1. #1

    The SCRIPT to Hasbro's Episode Six: The Return of the Resculpts - Special Edition!

    The movie saga continues as the Star Wars fanfare blares out of the THX soundsystem and the opening title scroll goes up:

    Star Wars: Episode Six

    THE RETURN OF THE RESCULPTS!

    LUKE SKYWALKER has returned to his home CyberWorld on E-BAY to get at least an in-demand figure of his friend HAN SOLO and secure the assistance of the under-appreciated gangster, JABBA THE HUTT.

    Little does Luke know that HASBRO'S RESCULPT EMPIRE has secretly begun construction on a new DEATH STAR DIORAMA, full of even more little-wanted Resculpts of figures we already have than did the first dreaded Power of the Jedi waves, the later Episode One waves, and all of the Flashback waves combined!

    When completed, these new, untimely waves of resculpts will spell certain boredom for Star Wars collecting fans struggling to get new never-before-made characters added into the line.............

    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    In Tycho's apartment, a vintage Imperial Shuttle flanked by two TIE Fighters is getting dusted off as two Imperial Officer figures are being added to its control cockpit before it is reset into a large Death Star diorama that's still under construction.

    IMPERIAL OFFICER ONE: "We have Formula 409 requesting dust-off of the entire diorama."

    [On board one of two vintage Death Star Playsets] DEATH STAR TROOPER ONE: "Transmit a message to Tycho to stop wasting time on the internet and clean his toys off! Meanwhile, you are clean and clear to proceed."

    IMPERIAL OFFICER ONE: "We are starting our approach."

    John Williams strikes up a nice rendition of Darth Vader's theme song coming through the stereo speakers in the other room.

    The vintage shuttle comes in for a landing and the two TIE Fighters are diverted to resume hanging from the ceiling via fishing wire.

    TIE PILOT ONE: "Hey Tycho: what do I do if I gotta go to the bathroom and you got my ship hanging up here? Idiot $#(&*#!!!"

    TIE PILOT TWO: "He's a real jerk if you ask me!"

    Back in the Death Star Diorama the shuttle is docked and Imperial R2-Q5 droids, a red R2 unit, and GNK power droid units are positioning themselves to service it as customized Imperial Ground crewmen move in to do their job while a much-too-large stormtrooper collection gets into position.

    IMPERIAL OFFICER [to Death Star Trooper One]: "Inform Darth Vader that no new plans for a shuttle or a Commander have arrived."

    DEATH STAR TROOPER ONE: "Why me, Sir?"

    Mr. Williams plays his musical score of Vader's theme in a most foreboding manner!

    The poor Death Star Trooper's legs are so twitching with nervous energy that he can't even stand up straight as the Imperial Shuttle's boarding ramp slams down and stirs up a new cloud of dust!

    Darth Vader stalks forward and takes command!

    DEATH STAR TROOPER: "My Lord, we were enamored with your Toy Fair Exclusive!"

    VADER: "You may dispense with the pretences Trooper. You know as well as I do that they need a lot more resculpts of me kept in stock or not every kid can get one. I'm here to put you back on schedule!"

    DEATH STAR TROOPER: "We are working as hard as we can to come up with more variations."

    VADER: "Perhaps I can suggest some more one-pose wonders to really flood the Market with them!"

    DEATH STAR TROOPER: "My Lord, I tell you we have a 25th Anniversary 2-pack and a Bespin Attack figure planned."

    VADER: "Emperor Hasbrotime does not share your satisfaction with this being enough."

    DEATH STAR TROOPER: "But he asks the impossible. We can't propose an Extreme Detail "Generation Y" line and another 14" for you before we even have a Moff Jerjerrod action figure?"

    VADER: "Perhaps you can tell him that when he arrives."

    DEATH STAR TROOPER: "Emperor Hasbrotime is coming here?"

    VADER: "That is correct, Death Star Tripper."

    DEATH STAR TROOPER: "We shall double your resculpts and put you as both Anakin and M' Lord in the Generation Y-Line."

    VADER: "I should hope so, Trippy, for Your Sake. And The Emperor wants to be resculpted as many times as I have been!"

    Williams plays a shockingly brilliant, vibrant, but intensely doom-spelling rendition of Vader's theme as the Dark Lord stalks off into Tycho's diorama and the scene cuts...

    to the Cyberscape of E-BAY...

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    R2D2 and C-3PO are moving along from back-page to back-page not getting any bids on, as they are using the search engine to find Jabba the Hutt.

    At last they locate a packaged deal that includes the RARE and VHTF Qui-Gon and the Eopiee.

    3PO notes down the listing.

    THREEPIO: "Artoo, hold on and let me bookmark this link. We are so lucky to be following Lando Calrissian and Chewbacca to this wonderful page!"

    Artoo warbles something.

    THREEPIO: "Don't be so pessimistic. We've only seen half the never-before-made droids that could be sculpted from this wonderful place."

    Threepio notes the next bidding price is well over $70.

    THREEPIO: "R2, are you sure we can e-mail the seller without paying the price?"

    Artoo acknowledges him.

    THREEPIO: "Well, I should check his feedback rating I suppose."

    He clicks the feeback rating link.

    THREEPIO: "He's got well over 1,000 successful sales - he's a scalper?! Let's go back and tell Master Luke."

    R2 reaches out with his dataplug and clicks the main auction link.

    The new page loads.

    THREEPIO: "R2, I really don't think we should rush into all of this!"

    He sees the scalper's other auctions including a B'Omarr Monk for $40.00.

    THREEPIO: "R2 - wait for me!"

    Suddenly R2 and Threepio are surrounded by Jabba's other auction listings for Skiff Guard 3-packs, MOMC Gamorreans with Freeze Frames, even an expensive Weequay FF.

    THREEPIO: "One hundred dollars! Oh my!"

    A tall alien with an evil-but-badazz Twi'lek headsculpt, yet for some reason with robes that close worse than a hospital gown, approaches them.

    It's Beg ForResculpt!

    FOR-RESCULPT: "[What do you want?]"

    THREEPIO: "We bring a message for your Master, Jabba the Hutt."

    Artoo warbles something.

    THREEPIO: "And a gift."

    [Turns to R2] - "Gift? What gift?"

    FOR-RESCULPT: "[If it's a petition for me to get a Resculpt, I might let you leave before my guards rip you apart....]"

    ForResculpt bends down (if that's possible) to examine R2 more closely but the little droid gets right back in his face!

    R2D2: {Screw you, You worthless old pegwarmer! I'm a MOMC variation packaged with Holo-Graphic Leia and your Master would rip those maggots out of your freaking head if he saw you ruin a perfect-money making figure like me before he had the chance to scalp a variation of this kind!}

    THREEPIO: "I'm afraid he's right. Terribly sorry, but we know you can't auction us yourself - what with your feedback rating..."

    FOR-RESCULPT (growls)... "[Come on then!]"

    They enter the main UserProfile Page for Jabba the Hutt!

    Beg For-Resculpt approaches his Master and makes the introduction.

    THREEPIO: "The message, R2. The Message!"

    R2D2 turns his Princess Leia Hologram on as Jabba's eyes open wide and he spits out a Chubba as the price tag on this little droid registers in his mind!

    Slowly he begins to focus on the message....

    PRINCESS LEIA HOLOGRAM: "Grettings mighty Jabba. I know that this message should be from Luke Skywalker as a Jedi Knight and a full-sized hologram, but that these new figures don't exist is part of our problem.

    I also know that you are playing host to Boba Fett and a friend of mine, Han Solo. I know that they each want new sculpts, but that your desire for more aliens that serve you is equally powerful.

    I seek an audience with your Greatness to combine our efforts and petition Hasbro to make more figures like Ephont Mon! I am sure with your huge amount of never-made-characters from your Court, as well as with the much needed additions to my Alliance Forces, we can develop a Most-Wanted List that will be mutually beneficial and help us to avoid any more unwanted resculpts.

    As a token of my good will, I present you a gift: these two droids."

    THREEPIO: "What did she say?!"

    LEIA HOLO: "Both will soon be stars of a new movie who's stock will be valuable, and Artoo-Deeto is guarding all of the combined complaints and requests for new figures listed and e-mailed to Hasbro by all of the fans."

    THREEPIO: "This is part of the plan? Artoo, I just hope Mighty Jabba is not put off by this message."


    JABBA THE HUTT: "There might be some kind of a bargain."

    THREEPIO: "We're saved!"

    JABBA THE HUTT [points to Han Solo in Carbonite Hanging on his collection picture page in a cardboard palace diorama] : "If I get that chic in a string bikini tied to me with a chain, I might be persuaded to agree to get Solo a deluxe edition, while that Princess of yours becomes my favorite decoration!"

    THREEPIO [aside to R2]: "R2, look that doesn't do us much good. A new Captain Solo might be exciting, but the Princess would still be a Resculpt!"

    A kowokian lizard-monkey named Salacious Crumb (by a pretty, green Twi'lek dancer) looks at an identical kowokian lizard monkey named Salacious Crumb standing by an Amanin Headhunter and lets out a sqeaky but evil sounding laugh.

    The guards start to take Threepio and R2 away into a dungeon diorama as the story continues....

  2. #2
    A pair of really well-sculpted Gamorrean Guards lead Artoo and Threepio through a series of collection pictures towards one of the Droid Torture Chamber.

    THREEPIO: "What more articles of clothing can possibly come off Mistress Leia? Would she let herself be chained to that Hutt?"

    "Oh dear! What are we doing?"

    The droids are escorted into a diorama with a Gonk droid being turned upside down and an 8D8 unit playing with an oversize accessory and the GNK droid's featured button that makes his legs move.

    GONK: "[Whew-hew! Look at my new feature!]"

    Suddenly R2D2 and C-3PO are brought before a tall, female operations droid with 3 eyes that seem to glow. EV-9D9 makes her appearance!

    EV-9D9: "Ah, Poo-Doo. Useless acquisitions."

    "You are a Peg-Warming Droid, are you not?"

    C-3PO: "I am C-3PO Millennium Minted Coin Figure and I was technically shelf -warming if you must know the truth."

    EV-9D9: "Yes or no will do."

    C-3PO: "Well yes then I suppose. I am worthless in over six-million variations and can readily gather dust at ratios of -"

    EV-9D9: "Pathetic, any which way you cut it."

    "How many Resculpts do you have?"

    C-3PO: "Well, if you want to count my Green Japanese Variation..."

    EV-9D9: "Nevermind, our Master got angry when our last two stocks of droids just sat around and had to be discounted by him."

    C-3PO: "Discounted? Oh-my!"

    EV-9D9: "Guard, this Peg-Warming Droid is really useless. See if you can spell well-enough to e-mail the company and request an interesting feature for a Resculpt! Then find out if he's really starring in some new film that will bring out audiences to see us in a theater!"

    "He might yet be worth hanging on to. Learn what you can, and if it's true, take him back to the Master so he can start scalping autographed tickets!"

    C-3PO: "Artoo, why can't even you believe in me?"

    Threepio is taken back to Jabba's Palace diorama.

    R2 bleeps some invectives. EV turns to study the droid with the little hologram.

    EV-9D9: "Well, your a valuable little one, and you'll soon run up quite a high auction. I have listed you as a Featured Item and I'm sure you'll turn quite a scalper's ransom. Now let's take a look at those collector demand e-mails."

    R2 starts to download fan letters from all the websites requesting figures from J'Quille and Herme Odel, to Crix Madine and General Reikeen.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Meanwhile Jabba the Hutt is having a party!

    Almost all the best-sculpted figures in the entire line are invited, so long as they don't have any Imperial associations.

  3. #3
    Max Reebo is playing the keyboards and chanting "I need to find my Weequay! Where is Ak-Revv?"

    Sy Snootles is singing "Let's get Rappertune."

    Lyn Mie, Rystall, and Greeta are providing backup vocals that chime in: "I want to dance with somebody - sombody like Yarna."

    Ephont Mon is late to the party, and Amanaman only has a picture of him to help the Headhunter imagine the Chevin's big noggin embalmed on his staff.

    Dengar is looking for his backpack and Bossk can't help him find it because his eyes are crossed.

    Tessek is using his hidden quick draw to score blaster holes under a late cousin of Greedo's new vest.

    An Ishi Tibb is trying to beg Jabba to not auction the Eopiee so he can hide his Rebel uniform and borrow Qui-Gon's peasant cloak.

    Yak-Face is trying to get drunk so he can live down Ree-Yees picking on him for being an original sculpt and actually peg-warming while the Gran became a Fan Club Exclusive.

    Jabba's getting mad at Oola because she can't at least get memberships in her special exclusives club to get Seargeant Doallyn, J'Quille, Herme, and any Elomin produced. Finally he has enough of her protesting it's impossible and he calls in the Rancor Keeper with his friend, the awesome, giant Rancor Monster!

    Oola screams as the Monster rips off his Factory2You discount sticker and marks down Oola so she's less and less valuable and then all of the 100's of Malakali pegwarmers suddenly feel like they can find her more approachable to dance with them.

    Oola screams again! no - make that 200 Malakali's!

    Jabba sighs. This is going to be a long night...

    Suddenly, a blaster shot is heard. Boba Fett tries to check if his new firing missle has accidently gone off, but for all his new articulation, he can't turn around and see even half-way behind him.

    The Bounty Hunter Boussh and Chewbacca in Chains have arrived!

    BOUSSH: "I've come because of the bounty on the Wookiee."

    C-3PO will speak for Jabba...

    THREEPIO: "The limited poseable Jabba bids you welcome but says the Wookiee isn't worth paying you a reward of even one-ninety-five."

    BOUSSH: "That's the problem - there are 7 Resculpts of him and still more in counting."

    THREEPIO: "There are still resculpts coming?"

    JABBA [shoves C-3PO out of the way] "Still more coming?!!"

    THREEPIO: "What did I say?"

    JABBA: "Tell the Bounty Hunter I better get my Whipid or I'll melt that Wookiee figure down and make it customized!"

    THREEPIO: "The Mighty Jabba asks why he hasn't gotten J'Quille marketed yet."

    The bounty hunter moves and draws out a little blue corporate logo.

    BOUSSH: "See Hasbro!"

    THREEPIO: "He's holding the Corporate Letterhead!"

    All of the awesome creatures in the whole palace shudder or vomit! Boba Fett tries his best to aim in the other bounty hunter's direction, but his Anniversary figure can't turn in that direction!

    Jabba only laughs....

  4. #4
    JABBA: "Ho-ho-ho-hah-ha-ha-haaah"

    "That company is the greatest rip-off artist if I ever saw one: vindictive and frustrating."

    "Tell the Bounty Hunter the Wookiee can stay at the party if I can negotiate with Boussh as a representative of Hasbro so that I can get my direct orders before Brian's Toy and Amok Time. That way I can scalp some new stuff and make a fortune!"

    THREEPIO: "Jabba suggests that as a representative of Hasbro you can help turn another fan into a real low-life and he would like to hear what you can offer."

    The bounty hunter lowers his Hasbro Corporate Identity Badge and the rest of Jabba's Court boos and hisses, or just grumbles, sighs, and returns to drinking more. Beg For-Resculpt approaches Boussh to try and corner him to address his own personal demands.

    Several Gamorrean Guards lead Chewbacca away to show him all the friends he might have amongst the back-stock that never sells. About 12 Malakali's join them. In disguise as an extra from Gladiator, Lando Calrissian observes the procession of events from afar, with growing concern.

    The party cautiously continues on.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Late in the middle of the night, when almost no buyers and sellers are logged on, the Bounty Hunter Boussh re-enters the Palace Diorama, quietly carrying a large, flat box. He approaches the Han Solo in Carbonite Freezing Chamber Point Zero-Zero-Zero-Zero variation and quickly glances around. Seeing no one noticing what he's doing, Boussh quickly uses the edit image feature and switches the rare Han for a new figure with an all-new-likeness, wet hair, and a unfrozen carbonite block. Han doesn't quite fit in this carbonite piece right anyway, so he quickly falls to the floor.

    Han stumbles to turn over. Boussh helps him.

    BOUSSH: "Just relax. You've become less collectible and are free from most scalper's sights."

    HAN: "My zero-zero card, my price? What happened to them?"

    BOUSSH: "You're going to be packaged with this new cardboard diorama in this box I brought along. Your price will climb up in time."

    HAN: "What is it?"

    BOUSSH: "Jabba's Palace. I've got to win a bargain here."

    HAN: "Who are you?"

    Boussh removes his helmet to reveal not a "him," but the beautiful face of "a her!" It's Princess Leia! (well duh...who did you think I was going to make it be?)

    She offers her answer to Han:

    LEIA: "Someone who loves you."

    HAN: "Chewbacca?"

    LEIA: "No, Leia! Only my first figure looked like Chewbacca. Remember?"

    "Now I've got to offer Jabba an alliance - he gets this new sculpt of you and a way to market his palace diorama which might rally his fans to demand more aliens and droids from this action sequence."

    Suddenly they hear a thunderous, low rumbling laugh:

    "HO-Ho-HO-ho-Hoooooe!"

    It is followed by the slippery sounds of oozing goo.

    HAN: "What was that?"

    "I know that sound. That's that gunk coming out of a Jabba Glob!"

    Suddenly, Han and Leia are surrounded by Jabba's Minnions!

    [and we pause for a little while as Tycho researches back into the Old Forums for the reason Solo and Jabba have a back-history from the Script to E4: A New Resculpt - even I don't remember at the moment right now : P ]

  5. #5
    [OK - I got it now. This fits in good! Chuxter and Bel-Cam originally wrote the back story for Solo's debt and wow! I can't say I planned this part to go this way, but it really works... so let's continue!]

    HAN: "Hey Jabba. I was just on my way to pay you back for those CommTech cases when I got a little side-tracked."

    JABBA: "It's been two years too late for that Solo, and apparently I had to pay Boba Fett to force you to help me, but I finally got your R2 with Leia Holo!"

    HAN: "Well Jabba, he's got a starring role in Hasbro's Episode Two - "Resculpts of the Clones?" and I swear I can smuggle you out some of his blue-cards! Just give me a chance. If we scalp them now we could make a fortune! Don't throw it all away and be a fool!"

    JABBA [disgusted with Han] : "Take him away and dump him with the Malakali's! Did you think a cardboard playset was going to pacify me? I want plastic!"

    (globs of green Nalaa Tree Frogs spew out of the Hutt's mouth and gather in slime at the base of his massive body)

    Jabba turns toward Princess Leia!

    JABBA: "Strip search her for evidence she's had her boyfriend's Zero-Zero package she ripped me off for, then leave her in a bikini chained up in this great, sticky goo with Dear Old Loveable Me!"

    "Ho-Ho-ha-haah-haaaaa. I win again!"

  6. #6
    While everyone's looking for "funnies," I thought I'd recycle this thread and continue on completing the movie.

    Han Solo is being thrown into a discard bin with Chewbacca and a gang of Malakalis in the backstock of infamous E-bay Scalper Jabba the Hutt's.

    Meanwhile, Princess Leia, chained up to the Mighty Jabba wearing nothing but "Fredricks of Alderaan" is still trying to negotiate an alliance with the Scalping Lord so that under-represented figures from the Alliance's General Reikeen to Jabba's men J'Quille and Sgt. Doallyn get produced.

    They must band together to fight the evil Emperor Hasbrotime who wants to flood the Market with resculpts of Jedi and Sith characters, who have formed an unholy alliance of their own to make sure background characters never see the pegs.

    It could be up to Luke Skywalker, apprentice Jedi Knight to decide who will win: the resculpts or the rebels!!!

    As the story continues, Han Solo reflects on this from his back-stocked junk bin located in the Hutt's E-bay extras page....

  7. #7
    HAN: "Malakali? Is that you?"

    Suddenly Han Solo is surrounded by a bunch of bald guys with man-boobs wearing towels over their heads. They all look angry and they all are carrying vibroblades on the ends of spear tips!

    HAN: "What is this? An American Airlines security stop?"

    MALAKALI #1: "Hey Han, why did you leave us at Target?! Huh? Huh? You could have given us your stormtrooper belt and made us a Force-File! You're a hero, you could have sold without the accessories, but Nyyyoo! - You had to leave us there in the hands of the Empire and their incompetant merchandisers!"

    HAN: "What do you mean give you my stormtrooper belt?! You've so over-exceeded your shipping weight that my hard-won trophy I took from the Empire wouldn't have fit around your neck let alone your waist!"

    MALAKALI: "I was considering it for an ankle bracelet. I thought maybe I could dance for Jabba in light of the palace still missing a figure of Yarna."

    HAN: "Well, you're well on your way to looking like her, that's for sure!"

    "But what were you going to do with a Force-File? You can't even read! Who was it going to list for your Allies? Sarah-Lee, Betty Crocker, and Mrs. Butterworth? And with that thing you call a pet, the only enemies I ever can conceive of you having to worry about are Jenny Craig, Richard Simmons, and Oprah Winfrey! -and they don't have action figures!"

    MALAKALI: "Yet..."

    HAN: "Look, there's nothing I can do about it. Even I can't see a fair price, Pal."

    MALAKALI: "Yeah, well what about Luke?"

    HAN: "Luke? Luke's crazy! He can't change the mismanagement of the Power of the Jedi line much less even get all his various movie attire sculpted in figures made for himself."

    MALAKALI: "I've heard he's a Jedi Knight."

    HAN: "A Jedi Knight? Look, I've been out of it for a little while, but all of us main cast members get over-merchandised every once in a while..."

  8. #8
    But now, Luke Skywalker has logged on to E-bay and entered Jabba's Scalper Page himself!

    The path of the black-clad figure is blocked by two enormous Gamorrean Guards, but Luke merely points a finger at each of them and says:

    LUKE: "Nice sculpt boys! Keep up the great job!"

    They let him pass.

    Then Beg ForResculpt steps out of the shadows!!

  9. #9
    BEG FOR-RESCULPT: "You're the Jedi Knight Luke Skywalker! They made you wearing high heels? Though he'd roll on his fat flab laughing, Jabba doesn't want to see you! He's got the Rare, VHTF Droid and the Princess. He doesn't need you for anything!"

    LUKE: "I am the Rare and VHTF Theater Edition!"

    BEG FOR-RESCULPT: "The Theater Editon?!"

    LUKE: "I also have a tan vest."

    BEG FOR-RESCULPT: "A tan vest would be really swell !"

    LUKE: "And my lightsaber is the innie-outer kind versus the outer-innie one."

    BEG FORRESCULPT: "I am going to make such a fortune..."

    They enter the throne room diorama, but Jabba is sleeping....

    Beg For Resculpt wakes the Mighty Jabba up by nudging him with his arm and for that he is summarily shot by a flying Chubba launched out of the big Hutt's mouth.

    Beg For Resculpt, wounded, staggers back to his master's side.

    BEG FOR RESCULPT [makes the introduction]: "The Jedi Knight: Luke Skywalker."

    JABBA: "I told you not to admit him!"

    LUKE: "Most people had to wait in lines to even see me!"

    BEG FOR RESCULPT: "We have to wait in a line to see him."

    JABBA [switches to his Jabba Glob sculpt and seizes For-Resculpt by the neck and vomits slime all over him!]: "You weak minded fool! I'm a scalper - I got cases of that figure in my back stock-room!"

    The Hutt throws For-Resculpt away from him.

    Luke takes note of the beautiful Princess chained to the Hutt, trying to keep her new soft-goods out of the vomit.

    LUKE: "You're striking a bargain with Princess Leia here, and her friends. You will either profit from this or never ever see Herme Odel and J'Quille, let alone Yarna D'Gargon. It's your choice, but I'm warning you not to over-estimate the line's continued Marketing Power."

  10. #10

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